"I could have abused the entire situation. However, I'm stupid enough to want to help him and care enough to help guide him in the right direction. I'm dumb enough to just be purely nice."
You have integrity and should be very proud of that. Sometimes doing the right thing is SO HARD. You were able to not only do what was right for you, but you were also taking his feelings and well-being into consideration.
You have been able to identify what areas you need to work on and are making plans to address that! That is HUGE!!! Please take some time for yourself and get some rest!! Steph
That is a good direction, Cat. And I am sure we will all enjoy hearing your updates and what you learn. For what it is worth, I think there are a lot of "yahoos" on match as Shrimps likes to call them - and we just have to weed and sort and not take them seriously until they merit it after time. A counselor is an excellent opportunity for anyone to help overcome bad experiences of any sort. And you didn't really have a fair start by what happened with your parents. Plus you will learn to be positive and make better decisions and communications.
I really think this was one of those "lightening strikes and you were there" kinds of things.
For what its worth I don't think you will end up like your mom. I think you have to make peace with being alone - and build a life so good that it is okay if you are alone - then you won't try so hard at finding someone - you will see that as a one of these days if he is right kind of thing and I think you will discard more at the start rather than try to make the wrong one work or you will be more patient instead of freaking out that it won't work. I know that sounds easy - but I do think after all that you have been through that a counselor will help you with that.
And dating is not easy - this is the kind of thing we all have to deal with - to find the right one and then be patient with him and allow him to learn lessons about us on his own as he goes instead of us dictating it. Easier said than done of course!!
You did everything right- communicated your thoughts and feelings. You didn't take advantage of C and his neediness (especially when you could SEE that he wasn't even aware of it) and made a relationship happen. You have integrity and you were watching out not only for yourself, but you put yourself out there in watching out for him, too.
You did the right thing, and I know you know that. But I just wish you could stop feeing so hurt and angry over doing the right thing!!! I wish you could have peace knowing that you are doing it right! Stop feeling cheated by life- because you are ADDING so much to life and the people around you. It will all come back around, and I believe it.
It's not because of YOU that you are attracting all these emotionally unavailable men. Or these men who didn't realize how they didn't know themselves and had NO clue just what their heart wanted out of life. I just think that the odds are high that there are many men out there (women included) who just simply DON'T KNOW what their hearts truly want. And they just do what they think society expects of them, or what their friends/family might expect of them... and they are just not sure how to look inside and realize just WHO they are.
I think it's because you ARE aware of this, that you can spot it in the men you are meeting... and you are then honest enough to talk about it and discuss feelings and thoughts... and then their light bulb comes on. And so maybe then they move on and discover life without you. But know that you have touched them in a very valuable way. That in itself is a huge gift you have. Not many people can say they've touched others in big ways.
If you see that they are about to step into an emotional hole because you see that they are blinded... but you don't say anything, then you could plow on into a relationship that will probably fall apart down the road anyway. But you are not that way- you are aware and you care- and so while the hit-and-miss efforts of dating sucks... you DO know that you are on the right track by not allowing yourself to date blindly, right?
Again... I just hope you can find peace within yourself about all of this. You didn't waste 2 weeks. I think we've all learned a little bit from the events of the 2 weeks... and it's surely not wasted.
I am also in the Postive Thinker and Doers club, so I feel it's helped a lot in different ways of making things happen that are positive for me instead of waiting for things to happen. I've taken a few steps by joining meetups like this, but I have more steps to take on the inner healing.
I just can't help feel sorry for myself when I think I've been without the right person for 7 years now and it seems to get worse instead of better and my heart feels so cheated. It's sad that I feel bad for always being someone's band-aide. Shrimpy was right, I should be happy for the gift that I have, but why can't someone want to grow with me and not away from me? Being someone's therapist gets old. It's not my profession. CRIPES!
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"I could have abused the entire situation. However, I'm stupid enough to want to help him and care enough to help guide him in the right direction. I'm dumb enough to just be purely nice."
You have integrity and should be very proud of that. Sometimes doing the right thing is SO HARD. You were able to not only do what was right for you, but you were also taking his feelings and well-being into consideration.
You have been able to identify what areas you need to work on and are making plans to address that! That is HUGE!!! Please take some time for yourself and get some rest!!
Steph
Cat- be proud of yourself that you've recognized this behaviour and are taking steps to change it.
That is a good direction, Cat. And I am sure we will all enjoy hearing your updates and what you learn. For what it is worth, I think there are a lot of "yahoos" on match as Shrimps likes to call them - and we just have to weed and sort and not take them seriously until they merit it after time. A counselor is an excellent opportunity for anyone to help overcome bad experiences of any sort. And you didn't really have a fair start by what happened with your parents. Plus you will learn to be positive and make better decisions and communications.
I really think this was one of those "lightening strikes and you were there" kinds of things.
Maybe in a good way you both helped each other!!
For what its worth I don't think you will end up like your mom. I think you have to make peace with being alone - and build a life so good that it is okay if you are alone - then you won't try so hard at finding someone - you will see that as a one of these days if he is right kind of thing and I think you will discard more at the start rather than try to make the wrong one work or you will be more patient instead of freaking out that it won't work. I know that sounds easy - but I do think after all that you have been through that a counselor will help you with that.
And dating is not easy - this is the kind of thing we all have to deal with - to find the right one and then be patient with him and allow him to learn lessons about us on his own as he goes instead of us dictating it. Easier said than done of course!!
I don't know why people assume I'm trying so hard to be with someone. He was the
"We don't want to be alone, but we choose to be alone until we find the right person."
Yeah!! I agree. Okay - keep us posted!!
I just wish you Peace, Cat.
You did everything right- communicated your thoughts and feelings. You didn't take advantage of C and his neediness (especially when you could SEE that he wasn't even aware of it) and made a relationship happen. You have integrity and you were watching out not only for yourself, but you put yourself out there in watching out for him, too.
You did the right thing, and I know you know that. But I just wish you could stop feeing so hurt and angry over doing the right thing!!! I wish you could have peace knowing that you are doing it right! Stop feeling cheated by life- because you are ADDING so much to life and the people around you. It will all come back around, and I believe it.
It's not because of YOU that you are attracting all these emotionally unavailable men. Or these men who didn't realize how they didn't know themselves and had NO clue just what their heart wanted out of life. I just think that the odds are high that there are many men out there (women included) who just simply DON'T KNOW what their hearts truly want. And they just do what they think society expects of them, or what their friends/family might expect of them... and they are just not sure how to look inside and realize just WHO they are.
I think it's because you ARE aware of this, that you can spot it in the men you are meeting... and you are then honest enough to talk about it and discuss feelings and thoughts... and then their light bulb comes on. And so maybe then they move on and discover life without you. But know that you have touched them in a very valuable way. That in itself is a huge gift you have. Not many people can say they've touched others in big ways.
If you see that they are about to step into an emotional hole because you see that they are blinded... but you don't say anything, then you could plow on into a relationship that will probably fall apart down the road anyway. But you are not that way- you are aware and you care- and so while the hit-and-miss efforts of dating sucks... you DO know that you are on the right track by not allowing yourself to date blindly, right?
Again... I just hope you can find peace within yourself about all of this. You didn't waste 2 weeks. I think we've all learned a little bit from the events of the 2 weeks... and it's surely not wasted.
Hugs galore,
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I admire anyone who takes ownership of their lives especially when doing so is difficult and challenging.
I am also in the Postive Thinker and Doers club, so I feel it's helped a lot in different ways of making things happen that are positive for me instead of waiting for things to happen. I've taken a few steps by joining meetups like this, but I have more steps to take on the inner healing.
I just can't help feel sorry for myself when I think I've been without the right person for 7 years now and it seems to get worse instead of better and my heart feels so cheated. It's sad that I feel bad for always being someone's band-aide. Shrimpy was right, I should be happy for the gift that I have, but why can't someone want to grow with me and not away from me? Being someone's therapist gets old. It's not my profession. CRIPES!
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