I'm posting this with some reservation..
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| Sun, 04-23-2006 - 5:25pm |
I'm a little afraid of what everyone is going to say, but I know that everyone is very honest and heart felt, so here it goes...
About 3 weeks ago crush came into where I worked (I'm not sure if I told this or not...lol). He had sent me an email that night telling me that he would like to go out and have some fun one night, etc., and that I should come out to where he bartends and sing kareoke with him. Not too long after that, maybe a couple of days, he started calling me as well. Well...I did go out to sing with him, actually, a bunch of us went, so it wasn't like I just went to see him. I barely talked to him b/c I was having a good time with all of my friends and just being silly, etc. Anyway...at the end of the night we ended up together and went out to get a late bite to eat. We talked for hours and then I went home. Well...we've been chatting ever since, and then last Thursday night he called me. We talked on the phone for about 3 1/2 hours.
This is the basis of our conversation:
He apologized for how he had been towards me. He also explained that when we first started dating last year that he had not given himself enough time to grieve/get over his ex wife. He said that while he did have feelings for me and did like me, that he hadn't given himself the chance to give up that hope that she was going to come back to him. He didn't feel like it was fair to me to keep seeing me, etc., if he had those thoughts and feelings.
He also said that he was sorry about everything...
He said that he tried to avoid me b/c he couldn't stop thinking about me (which is a little odd to me) and that it scared him b/c he couldn't stop thinking about me. He said that he likes me, very much, and has feelings for me still. However, we both agree that what we did in the past (ie jumping into things so fast and so intensely) wasn't very good for us).
So, I saw him Friday night and we hung out, had a few drinks, etc., and I saw him Saturday night after he got done with his bowling tournament and I got done with a wedding and a reception that I had to go to. We both ended up falling asleep on the couch watching a movie and about 3am he woke up and told me that I could come sleep in his bed with him, that he didn't think I should drive home being so sleepy. So, with reservations, I stayed, and it was so sweet. He just held me in his arms all night. I felt so at ease at that moment and it was unreal.
I'm scared though. I'm scared to like him - I mean, I never really stopped liking/having feelings for him, but I'm so scared that he'll do it to me again. Maybe it's a risk I'm just going to have to take. I know that I want to just date and to take things slowly and let them progress as they will - but I'm scared. I do have feelings for him, I do like him, I have love for him (which is different than being in love in my opinion - I guess I should say that I care about him a lot...lol), and it scares me. I'm a little nervous around him, but I want to be with him. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. Even before he decided to tell me everything, which is a lot more than I've put in this post, I haven't been able to forget about him. Trust me, I've dated, a lot actually, and no one has ever held a candle to crush. I don't understand it.
So, how would you proceed with this. I know that I'm not going to pursue him. I even told him that. I'm not going to ask him to do things, or call him, or anything...it's basically in his hands. I'm not going to stop living my life either. I mean, I'm going to continue to date people, but even when I do, I feel guilty when I go out with someone else b/c of the fact that I have such strong feelings for crush. I'm not going to tell him that - I might even let it slip that I am dating other guys just to let him know that he doesn't have me at his beck and call (which he doesn't). I don't know...all I do know is that for some reason I have allowed myself to give him a huge piece of my heart and I can't seem to get it back, nor do I want to at this point. But I'm scared....
So...any advise you're willing to give will be greatly appreciated (I'm kinda scared to hear what you all have to say...lol)!
Kait

Kait,
The power of this guy over you is strong. I think it's too strong to ignore and you would never forgive yourself if you passed up finding out one way or the other. You've never truly had closure from him and maybe this is the chance that will make you or break you.
If you want to commit to this guy, just take it slow and watch for warning signs. He's either being totally manipulative or totally honest, and only time will tell. I think you'll go into this with your head and your heart will follow if things work out.
Good luck sweetie,
--snow
Kait,
(((HUGS)))
I know what this guy means to you and how much you like him.
Kait, how could any one of us judge you for your feelings? Maybe somebody somewhere has invented some little pill to magically turn them off, but I didn't get my refill in the mail yet!
So, I would say, you know you have to go slowly. You know you have to think things out. you know you have to tread very carefully with Crush and watch for warning signs so he doesn't tear you up like he did before.
BUT- if he's being honest with you, don't you feel like you owe it to yourself to see where this could lead?
Just be careful, and know we're here for you, whatever happens!
Keep us posted!
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I could forgive him for his initial behavior because you realized that he did not want what you want and dumped him and now he is back of his own accord with a decent story. I can forgive that.
BUT before I give my green light, what is in this for you? What is his future - is he on the right track with working, not partying, being accountable? In other words - is he worth the risk of your feelings? We all have to ask this of ourselves. Does he have good character? Does he meet your must haves and can't stands? Would he accept your daughter? Think about this very well. Because often times, when we have feelings for someone we put on rose colored glasses.
ONE MORE THING _ if you do decide to give him a chance, please start over. Do not be a booty call right away. Give him time to court you and to see if his intentions are what he indicates now. He has to step up to the plate with taking you OUT and not just to his house. He has to work around your schedule and call on a consistent basis - you know - be INTO YOU with his heart and not just a roll in the hay. Keep us posted and we will help. We are always here no matter what you decide.
(edited to add this last paragraph)
Edited 4/23/2006 9:07 pm ET by cl-west1745
Kait,
He's certainly said some positive things, but actions must follow.
Jennie, that is such a beautiful message and story. We all remember the pain you had while you were in the relationship with your exbf and to think that now you are so happy with a man who can give you and your dd a good future, it is so heartwarming.
From everything you have said about the new man and especially how you two are blending your families, I think you are on the home stretch to graduating from our board!!! It gives everyone hope. And it shows that we all have to be strong and think of the future and our kids. When you put that first everything else falls into place.
Kait, are you listening!!??
Jennie,
I totally agree with Judy. I am very glad to have read your story and and I am so glad you didn't wait...you would have missed a beautiful opportunity.
And yep, Kait, don't sleep with him (or at least expect it to be because of love if you do) until he's gotten back your trust.
--snow