Im so confussed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Im so confussed
20
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 8:40am

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 12:58pm

Sorry you've gotten smitten with a guy who has made it clear he has criteria that you can't meet. When I first started dating my criteria included a pretty narrow age range. That meant that many of the guys in that dating pool (mid-40's) were at the stage of life that their kids were grown or nearly grown and they wanted someone in the same life stage. I have a toddler and teens plus a high drama X. I can tell you, I got nexted a lot due to that combo. But eventually I met men who were OK with my reality and had some fun dates and now am in a relationship with a great guy. We both occasionally get fed up with one another's X, but we both accept the situation as part of the package.

Sorry, I think this guy is a lost cause. You are not responsible for the choices your X makes, have no control over his taking the kids. It is unreasonable for any guy you are dating to give you an ultimatum that you have to fix that situation to his liking. There are men out there, perhaps closer to your age, in a more compatible life stage- and mature enough to meet your criteria. The guy you have been seeing has made it clear you don't fit his criteria.

Moving forward, perhaps your 16 year old is capable of watching his/her siblings a couple times a month. Mom needs Mom time to stay sane. Or a regular scheduled visit to Grandma's? Some set time that you can commit to for time for you, not just dating, doing something of interest to you. As single moms we sometimes put the kids first to our own detriment, which ultimately isn't good for the kids either.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 12:58pm

To me this is all very simple. You are a great mom who is taking care of her kids. You have good core values and are committed to them which is the right thing for them and you.

He wants everything HIS way - to have more intimate time with you regardless of your situation. You both know you cannot control your exh - that is not your job to make him a better father and your efforts to do so would be futile.

He could have viewed this as he gets a great mom who is a good person and a good mom and a great family. But instead he is being selfish and hurting your feelings and making your burden greater.

I say he did you a favor by wanting a clean break. Now, my dear, give him a very clean break. No matter what - NO CONTACT with him. No answering IMs, no answering phone calls. Just move on.

There is a GREAT guy out there who will want to be part of your life and your kids lives. You do not need a selfish jerk like this who only wants you and wants to disregard your family and your situation. But you are not going to meet this great guy if you are still intertwined with this jerk. He does not respect your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 3:46pm

I agree that this guy is too selfish.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 4:23pm

I was just thinking that something that could help you a lot for future relationships is for you to try to find peace with what your exh did and what he is doing now. I sense that you might have brought some resentment to him along with you, which is understandable. But it is the past and you cannot control him.

One more thing is for you to try to get out more on your own and to find ways to do that - as Queenbun suggested.

Things can only get better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 4:45pm

That would be a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 5:44pm

I do understand that you want your exh to have a good relationship with them. But this is up to him and will take time for him to do on his own and not because you asked him to or demanded him to. The first thing you have to do is to let him do that and not demand that he does it. Go on about your life with them as though he does not exist. Do not beg him to see the kids. Be strong and get a network of people to help you and your oldest to help and go the whole thing alone. Do not care if he takes them or not. That is the first step and is what my counselor advised me to do.

Do not speak about your past relationship with him - only about the kids as needed. Encourage the kids to have their own relationship with him and tell them he will step up to the plate more as he is ready.

The last thing you want to do with him is to have him think he is getting revenge on you by not helping you with them.

There are a lot of moms on here who have their kids 24/7 so you are not alone.

I think that when you have a lot of negativity and talk about that to a potential date or mate it is a big turn off and just brings you down - and you certainly don't want him to do that.

Perhaps, too, if you are happy with doing a lot of things on your own you will just shine and attract someone who is nicer and who wants to pitch in more with your whole life.

I thought QB had some great things to say about finding someone who meets your criteria and you meet his as well - this is a great learning lesson for you.

I hope you stick around and participate in our threads and keep us updated!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 5:45pm

Do you have a court order in place for a visitation schedule?


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 9:08pm

He says "it was your decision to leave, you made your bed now lie in it.

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 10:17pm

I totally agree that he is a loser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 10:36pm

I was even making excuses for the way he was acting.


Oh wow... how many of us can say that about the messed up relationships we've had in the past?!?? Somehow I think that should be one of the red flags of danger in a relationship. If you ever find yourself making excuses for his behavior... that is a red flag.


My best friend is getting divorced (not clear it will go that way yet, but looks more like it every week) and one of the "problems" in their marriage lately is that she decided she was going to stop excusing his bad behavior. And stop covering up for him with friends and family, if he says he doesn't want to go to some activity/event because he just wants to stay at home. Now she won't come up with excuses for him for being antisocial. And so they've been fighting alot because she is expecting more of him. He wants things back the way they were... because he could be lazy and tuned out and act rude... and she would just excuse it away. But no more... and so they fight... and head for divorce. But there is NO way anyone should have to live a life where they are constantly excusing someone else's behavior!!! THAT PERSON needs to own up to his own behavior and take responsibility for it!


As for your ex... your 16-yr old is old enough to see through him. And who's fault is it that

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Pages