I'm so upset about Dylan

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Registered: 04-21-2003
I'm so upset about Dylan
35
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:31pm
I don't get it. Last Friday, he and another male student gave a female classmate a 1/4 moon almost at the end of the day. He got sent to the Behavior Room for the punishment. He had not had a few good days, but the couple leading up to that day were great.

Yesterday, he got in trouble for doing some stuff typical of his age, but still, it wasn't right. And today, he mooned AGAIN with a female student in PE and got sent to the room again, and I had to pick him up. Half day suspension.

In all my years of schooling, I was never suspended even for a few hours. He's in his 3rd six week period of Kindergarten.

Now his father wants me to remove him from class Monday and Tuesday of Thanksgiving week so he can have him because his mother volunteered that without me knowing it. Shane and I were supposed to go to New Orleans with his work next weekend, but we aren't going to go due to us buying the house at the end of the month. Scott's mother was supposed to keep D during that weekend, so I told her we weren't going, but offered her the opportunity to have him anyway if she wanted. She agreed and then emailed Scott to tell him about it and asked him if he wanted Dylan instead, which automatically puts me driving not only that weekend twice, but also again Tuesday after school. He also doesn't even think about the fact that Dylan's schooling is more important and that I scheduled an ultrasound for that afternoon that Dylan was attending with Shane and me. I think he needs to be included on that, don't you?

I told him no, he can't have D until Tuesday, but he's making it so hard on me. I'm just ready to give up. Take D out of school, homeschool him and give up everything.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:46pm
I'm new here and not sure of a couple things. Is Scott your ds's father? If his mother has ds you don't have to drive, but if his dad has him then you do have to drive a good distance? If they work out something between the two of them, can't someone else be obligated to do the driving? Which afternoon is the ultrasound? Monday? Tuesday? And do you automatically have to drive on Tuesday afternoon already because that is ds's time with his dad?

Sorry for all the questions. Regarding your son's behavior in school, what does he say about why he's done that? And what is a 1/4 moon... is a just a mini-mooning? Could he be acting out because of the baby that's coming? If so, maybe going to the ultrasound is not a good idea. If you think it will get him more excited about the baby, then maybe it is a good idea. I don't know if being at an ultrasound is more important than spending time with dad/grandma, that is really hard to say. But I don't think you should have to do extra driving because they want extra time with ds. Maybe it's other kids encouraging the mooning, in which case it's a bigger problem that the school will have to address. Sometimes kids do things just to get a laugh. I was picking my dd up from preschool the other day and a little girl was standing there pulling her shirt up. She thought it was funny and the teacher discouraged her but she didn't stop. I'd hate to think she'd be suspended for that. It just brings more attention to it and if the child is not wanting to be in school anyway, getting suspended is not punishment.

I do think school is important, but missing a few days might not be a big deal when it's a holiday week. If he wanted to pull him out of school all the time, that would be different. Just MHO.

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:46pm

Mel


HUG!!! I am so sorry. I know behavior stuff with your kids can be so difficult. You just can't lift the top of their head, and peek in and read their mind. And it's SO HARD for them to express to YOU what they're feeling and thinking.


I really think you'd benefit from calling the school and speaking with their counselor and asking HER to meet with D and see if she can determine if this is just acting out because it's a new thing/idea and he can, or if he's just plain old troubled by something and needs a little help.


Ty's in some counseling right now, and I really believe it's going to do him a world of good. It's SO hard for me to admit that I can't be the one to help him, and it was difficult for me to agree to give him the legal confidentiality he feels he wanted so that his every word doesn't go straight to me and it's private between him and therapist. But he was so happy to be able to talk to someone. If it's going to help, I can swallow my pride, KWIM?


As for Scott trying to change around the schedule, you stick to what works best for Dylan, in your opinion Mel. You have a custody arrangement, don't you? Do you have any legal responsibility to give Scott whatever he wants? If not, you just do what works for you, and politely let him know that unfortunately you can't rearrange your schedule this time, and stick with the original agreement.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:34pm
Originally, had Shane and I never planned to go to New Orleans, the weekend would have been Scott's, but we cancelled his visit, (with his okay) to go because it was a business trip. Anyway, because he planned to have D for Thanksgiving beginning that Tuesday evening, it wasn't supposed to matter about the weekend before because he'd get him a few days later for most of a week.

His mother opened her meddling gigantic mouth and decided to tell him before I could that she had him for the weekend even though we had decided not to atend the weekend away. So now he's ranting about me not giving him a chance to have extra time with Dylan. He thinks I did the wrong thing by just offering Dylan to see his Nana anyway without offering him first dibs. Ordinarily, I would have, but because he gets Dylan a couple of days later and it IS a long drive, I figured it was alright to leave plans as is.

He thinks it's fine for D to be pulled out of school to go see him a couple of extra days and had not responded back to me regarding the ultrasound appointment. Dylan needs to be included involving his sibling's arrival and preparation of it because I don't want him left out. I know it will be hard for him with a new baby in the house, but the more we make him feel a part of things, the better off we'll all be.

I have custody 100% and he has visitation. The agreement states that he cannot interrupt school related activities. Those come first over his time with Dylan. Always will. I will be calling the school for an appointment with the counselor at his school to see if there is something that can be done. I'm obviously not getting it out of him.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:36pm
Mel

I really can't offer any advice on the behavioral issues. I agree talking to the teacher and counselor/behavioral specialist would be a good idea.

As far as Scott and the change of plans, why can't his mother just drive dylan to Scott's if she was going to have him anyway? I don't get it.

Tara

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Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:42pm

First..Buy the boy some overalls.

Kim

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:50pm
Yeah, Scott is Dylan's father. He only has visitation and lives in another state. His mother was supposed to have Dylan for a visit next weekend, but she instead without contacting me first, decided that Scott should have Dylan instead of her, which volunteers me to drive 2 hours each way not only that Friday and Sunday, but AGAIN that Tuesday after my doctor's appointment. That's not fair. If she is so adamant that he get Dylan, let HER drive him. It was her decision, not mine. I was left out of my own son's life and that's not her place. She will see him again when Hell freezes over. She has no rights, so I can do that. She has her favorite grandkids, so let her focus on them like she usually does anyway.

Scott thinks Dylan's schooling is less important than him. I want my son to get perfect attendance unless he's sick and cannot go. And it's important to me that he attend school beccause it reinforces all the things he's been taught going into Kindergarten. It's best for him. Not sitting at his father's house with his step-mother while his father works. That's not a visit.

Dylan has been very excited about the baby. He talks to it, asks when it's coming out, and has been very sweet about becoming a big brother and we have done everything in our power to make sure he knows how important his job is and how much we love him. I think that the ultrasound is a good idea for him to see. The doctor's office encouraged me to bring him because it includes the older siblings to be a part of things and to know they aren't excluded, rather so important that we couldn't imagine doing this without him. I honestly can't think of anythng nicer than to have my little boy find out exactly when we do what his sibling will be.

If Dylan's father was more involved, I'd feel better about letting Dylan skip a couple of days. But he cancels visits, only does the bare minimum and for a man that claims to love his son so much, he's missed over a month of time and has never attended a function Dylan has been in, yet finds the time to take off work for his step-son's. He has all kinds of vacation time and only lives a few hours away so it's not like he can't make a day trip to see his son play ball or a karate tournament. Dylan got first place in his match. Was his father there? Of course not.

This is why I don't see fit to make special considerations for him.

But being new here, how could you know anything more than what you read in my post? Hope this clears things up. And welcome to the board!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:55pm
The cutest tushie ever! Just this little round tushie!! I might just have to get him overalls. Obviously he likes the idea of showing his butt. The mooning is just partial. Just the corner of the top. Not a full moon. A 1/4 moon. No crack. But it's so frustrating.

I'm going to call the school now about the counselling they offer.

Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:02pm
I love the panty idea, too...

I might sew him into his clothes, leave him something to potty through.

Or take his pants away and tell him he can go bottomless...not for real, but you know.

He's pushing you mel, don't let him win. You can outsmart him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:09pm
A good technique I use to find out why one of the kids is doing something assinine (pun intended) is to play the story game. You tell the story but let them fill in the blanks.

Once upon a time there was a boy named D. And D went to school at ________. One day, D did something at school that got him into trouble. D___________ his classmate. D did this because _________________________________. When D was doing this he thought it was ________________. He felt _____________ when he got into trouble. His mommy was upset that D got in trouble. This made D feel ____________________. Will D get in trouble again or will he be a good boy?

I think the overalls are a good idea!

As for your ex wanting D, you agreed to leave D with his grandmother…if she offered up the days to her son, let HER do the driving or have Scott go get him. You need not be involved. If the extra days weren’t originally planned and he is asking for a change, he should be doing the driving! Don’t make it easy for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:21pm
Mel, I've always been a believer in consequences for kids actions. But more like natural or related consequences.

For example...right now, my kids weren't washing the dishes they used. And how could you tell whose were whose right? So I bought them each a set of differetn colored dishes and locked the cabinet so no other could be gotten out. Now, if they want a plate to use, they wash their own.

And, at the moment, I'm on strike. No cooking or extra "mom stuff" because the kids aren't doing the chores they've been assigned. So when daughter one says "mom, will you trim my hair?" I say, "I'll trade you running the sweeper for it"...division of labor is an important concept for them to learn. I am NOT their slave.

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