I'm so upset about Dylan

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
I'm so upset about Dylan
35
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:31pm
I don't get it. Last Friday, he and another male student gave a female classmate a 1/4 moon almost at the end of the day. He got sent to the Behavior Room for the punishment. He had not had a few good days, but the couple leading up to that day were great.

Yesterday, he got in trouble for doing some stuff typical of his age, but still, it wasn't right. And today, he mooned AGAIN with a female student in PE and got sent to the room again, and I had to pick him up. Half day suspension.

In all my years of schooling, I was never suspended even for a few hours. He's in his 3rd six week period of Kindergarten.

Now his father wants me to remove him from class Monday and Tuesday of Thanksgiving week so he can have him because his mother volunteered that without me knowing it. Shane and I were supposed to go to New Orleans with his work next weekend, but we aren't going to go due to us buying the house at the end of the month. Scott's mother was supposed to keep D during that weekend, so I told her we weren't going, but offered her the opportunity to have him anyway if she wanted. She agreed and then emailed Scott to tell him about it and asked him if he wanted Dylan instead, which automatically puts me driving not only that weekend twice, but also again Tuesday after school. He also doesn't even think about the fact that Dylan's schooling is more important and that I scheduled an ultrasound for that afternoon that Dylan was attending with Shane and me. I think he needs to be included on that, don't you?

I told him no, he can't have D until Tuesday, but he's making it so hard on me. I'm just ready to give up. Take D out of school, homeschool him and give up everything.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:53pm
>>>She will see him again when Hell freezes over. She has no rights, so I can do that.<<<

There is obviously some history here, but to me it seems reasonable to think that she (grandma) would be talking to her son (ds's father), and that he would find out she had ds for the weekend, and that if the two of them wanted to, they could agree to let ds go see his dad... I think you are completely reasonable to say that if they make this side arrangment they have to work out the driving... but beyond that, she originally agreed to do you a favor by taking ds while you were going to be out of town, right? Unless she's mean to ds, I would think refusing her future visits with ds will be more harm to ds and would be unnecessary. And if she was mean to ds, then I can't imagine you'd have asked her to take him for the weekend in the first place, right? Sure, you are the CP and you have complete control over who ds see's and if anyone gets extra time or not... but is it really in your son's best interests to deny grandma any future visits?

I realize you are angry over this whole situation, but you made the other comment about perfect attendance. I totally get if the dad has the attitude school is not important... but when your son is all grown up is it going to have been more important that he had perfect kindergarden attendance or that he got that extra day with dad? If it is important for your ds to be at the ultrasound, why not compromise and let dad get ds on Tuesday morning? That way he only misses one day of school, gets to go to the ultrasound and gets a little extra time with his father.

JMHO here, not trying to step on your toes and like I said, you do have the final say.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:55pm
I have a confession to make. I was a mooner. Not a 1/4 mooner, a full mooner. Yep, yep I was. Between the ages of 5 and 6, my cousin, Eric (who is 6 months younger than I - and we were INSEPARABLE - lived two blocks away from each other - our dads worked together (brothers) and our moms were best friends) mooned half the city of Las Vegas. I'm sure we did. We mooned at school, at the grocery store, while standing on the 6' block wall at Eric's house that looked over a street in the neighborhood, wherever we could. We got spankings, toys taken away, you name a punishment we got it - and we didn't stop until one day we were standing on the 6 foot wall and Sargeant Marsh, who lived down the street, drove by in his patrol car. Yes, we mooned Sargeant Marsh. Sargeant Marsh flipped on his sirens and lights and was on Eric's street and at his front door in two seconds FLAT. Uncle brought Sargeant Marsh outside, where Eric and I were hiding in a tree and crying - Sargeant Marsh jerked us out of that tree, put handcuffs on us, and put us in the back of his squad car and told us we were going to jail for "indecent exposure" and breaking moral laws. He drove us around for what seemed like an eternity - and once we both started gagging because we were crying so hard, he took us home and made us promise to NEVER do it again. The next time I EVER mooned someone - I was 17 years old - and I was so nervous doing it (playing stupid Truth or Dare) that I about threw up.

Dylan's behavior is inappropriate, yes, but abnormal, no. Something to be nipped in the bud, yes. Something to be concerned about and call in the shrinks - ah - probably not.

I talked about it here on the board - but the first semester of kindergarten was SO bad for Jojo. My ex and I were in on parent/teacher conferences 4 times in 4 weeks, and in the principal's office in week 5 - and they were considering kicking Jojo out of kindergarten due to immaturity - and having him start again in a year (he's always the youngest kid in his class). It was BAD. The only reason Jojo pulled out of it is because we got SUPER tough on him - and by that I mean spankings - which is the only form of discipline I've ever found to be effective, at all, for him. By Christmas break, all of the kinks were worked out, he was teachers' pet, loving school, and doing well - but he did have a TOUGH adjustment period.

I don't think you need to bend over backwards for Scott, I don't think Dylan should be taken out of school when he is having adjustment issues for any reason whatsoever, and I think if he would enjoy being at the ultrasound and if it would make him feel more a part of the baby coming (Jojo didn't go to a single appointment - but he talked to his baby sister - and then brother - constantly) then he should go.

I think your notion of giving up is silly - and probably related to your hormones!

Take a warm bath, sip some chamomile tea, and RELAX!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 5:19pm
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does this NOT surprise me Mindy...???

LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 5:23pm
hmmm, wonder if I could get a policeman to come in and cuff my kids for not picking up those stinky SOCKS!????

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 6:41pm
Well since he lives in another state, he can't get him in the morning. The ultrasound is in the afternoon after Dylan gets out of school and we were to begin the drive after it was over. Scott gets off work at 4:30, so we'd be leaving right around then. Otherwise, he could have him earlier that day.

His grandmother (Nana) isn't mean to Dylan, but he rarely sees her anyway. He never asks for her because she never gives me a call to see if she can have him for a night. She lives an hour away in the same town my parents do and they see him often because they ask. Nana has other grandchildren from her oldest son and although I understand they have to see her too, they live in the same town so they do anyway, but she and her husband favor the oldest one. He is the "fair haired child" and gets all the attention from them. Always has. No other grandchild gets that kind of attention. It's not fair. Nana has skipped Dylan's birthday parties to go to baseball games of the oldest when she goes to all of them anyway. Dylan turns five once. She missed it. She misses his functions because of the other grandkids. And she doesn't hide the fact that her oldest grandchild is the best thing ever because he is all she speaks about. I have a wonderful, smart, adorable amazing child too who is talented and would love nothing more than to have his whole family see him succeed. But they miss out because they favor the other kids more. Fortunately, my parents come even though they have to drive and my own mother in law who is not Dylan's bio grandmother and lives 2.5 hours away comes!! What does that tell you?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 6:50pm
I conferenced with his teacher on Tuesday and she was not overly concerned with his behavior either, but it just seems strange that NOW, he's doing this crap. He started out great. They get stickers each day on their conduct calender that is sent home for signing. The sticker is a frog so if I mention he lost his frog, that's what I mean. Yesterday, he scribbled on his table, jacked around in line and in the cafeteria refusing to open his sandwich bag and pretending he couldn't, and he was messing with the other kids. So today I emailed his teacher to ask about his day and she said he was having a great day and already earned a happy note. I get a call, I go get him and I see in his back pack his folder with a happy note and a frog for the day because he had been good all morning and the teacher hadn't been able to take it away yet. My child had earned his frog and pulled this crap in PE!! I'm really upset because he knows better. Of course you knew better when you mooned too. We had a long talk and spanking is the punishment since the rest of everything has been taken away. Cartoons for lying on Tuesday might, toys for acting up yesterday and now the only thing left is to spank his bottom and maybe this will get to him enough.

Let's hope...

Mel

I'll have that bath now.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 7:17pm
I could use a warm bath and chamomile tea myself today - let's get the water running and we'll all climb in in our tshirts and shorts.

I tried EVERYTHING with Jojo. Tried Dr. Phil's techniques of taking away toys/movies/candies/time outs/etc., etc., etc., tried positive reinforcement - nothing sunk in with that kid until he was flipped over my knee with his bare little tush and spanked. Actually, positive reinforcement and taking things away created a massive amount of PROBLEMS in and of themselves. Whenever I asked him to do ANYTHING (go wash his hands for dinner, for instance) - his pat answer was "and what am I gonna get?" I would reply "nothing, that's your job" and he would reply "well, what will you take away if I don't?" After the kid spent 4 nights in his room which had been stripped bare of everything (including posters on the wall) but the bed and blankets, and he was STILL misbehaving, it became VERY obvious that this wasn't working!

And you are right - Dylan knows this is wrong. He's hit a defiant streak. Handle it promptly, swiftly and firmly and he'll be reminded who is the boss and he'll be your sweet little boy he was once before!

Jojo had frogs in his kindergarten class, too!

This year he has a stop light. He gets to school and it's green. Goes to yellow if he's been warned one too many times, red if it's been a rotten day - and the light changes to BLUE if he's been REALLY bad. We worked out all of the kinks in kindergarten (where the first three months he came home with check marks and no frogs at least twice a week) and this year - only gotten yellow twice - and both times for talking too much. Hmmmm . . . wonder where he gets THAT from???? -wink-

I was just on the phone with my mom and said "remember when I went through my mooning phase?" and she laughed and said she had forgotten about that - but didn't think I was going to live to see my 7th birthday. And she asked if I knew now what my fascination THEN was with mooning . . . I have NO idea! She said she thought it was mainly the combination of Eric and I together - egging each other on - is Dylan doing this mooning with a buddy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 7:52pm
5 words for Scott, "THAT doesn't work for me." I use that saying all the time and it forces my ex to have to think of things that work for both of us.

Regarding Dylan's behavior - it doesn't sound like you have had troubles with him in the past. I do remember something this summer when he was at Scott's - wasn't it because he was not in a happy situation and not getting enough attention - and too many new things with other kids and the step mom? Forgive my memory.

Anyway, sometimes you have to take the time to really talk to your kid and spend quality time to show you love him. This means sort of taking a step off the merrygoround of school, busywork and activities. Then the behavior issue will come out. It is usually a worry he just needs to express.

Usually I just spend time with my son to play a sport he likes, go on a ride together, cook together, sit in the big chair together. Or just to snuggle in the morning. He will tell me everything and we sort stuff out that way. My point is that this usually cures just about every bad thing that has come along so far. I find he is at his worst when I am at my busiest.

I would try having a heart to heart talk about what his expression does. While it seems fun to him, it insults other people. Furthermore, it could lead to more serious behavior when he is older. I would spell all of that out. And try to find something else that is more fun to do. And yes to overalls to help him remember not to do this. But always try the easy, positive approaches first.

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 10:09am
He did it with another boy last week and this week, it was a girl that did it too. He got his spanking and it seemed after that, he was fine. You're right, that's all that works most times. We've stripped his room too. For a week. No change. Taking things away for us too just isn't the answer. Dylan knows he'll eventually get it back so he acts right long enough to get it and then goes back to being a little turd.

I took my bath and felt better until I got an email from my ex TELLING me how things will be and then Shane got involved and gave him a piece of his mind. I'm now out of the conversation because Shane is concerned with my stress levels and prefers to get this resolved his way. He's a great arguer. He's already gotten Scott to bend on something so I think it's going to be fine. He just needs to realize that he doesn't make the rules. I have custody and that's the final word. He gave Dylan to me and now thinks I owe him. I owe that "man" nothing!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 10:16am
He did have problems this summer at his father's. It was mostly about his father being at work while he sat home with his step mom and her boys. They overwhelmed this child with a huge three week vacation and then immediately, his father goes back to work and Dylan never got any down time with his dad. All of that was with his steps and that's not what he was there for. I know he has to accept that his dad works and he will have to spend time alone with the steps occasionally. I think he needs time alone with them to be able to accept them, but Scott should have thought first before planning the whole time off being on vacation away. He should have planned them coming back a few days earlier so they could play at home in normal conditions so Dylan could get used to things being the usual way. He had the toughest time adjusting to that. Plus he'd never been away from me for this long and it was getting to him. He missed me. He said so.

Scott thinks that Dylan's behavior lately is because I'm keeping Dylan away from him. I'm doing no such thing. I adore that child and as much as I DON'T respect his father, I DO respect that they need to have a relationship. HE likes to play the victim. It's pathetic.

Anyway, we'll straighten it out.

Mel

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