I'm such a dating dummy. Need advice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I'm such a dating dummy. Need advice....
2
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 11:21pm

Hi, I'm Tasha. I'm the mother to a 2 1/2 year old girl Ava, and have been single for 3 years . It took me about this long to actually be ready to get back out into the dating world. I've gone out with a couple guys and there hasn't been anything there, but then I met a guy about a month ago on an online dating site (he contacted me, I contacted him back and 5 days later we were going on our first date- which he texted me like 15 min. after our date was over to tell me how my pics dont' do me justice, and he was looking forward to talking to me soon). So we've seen each other on a regular basis ever since, about twice a week, and talk on the phone and msn all the time. We haven't had sex yet, but have come pretty close, but the first time we got hot and heavy (our 3rd date) he told me "it will be much better later if we wait". So when it gets to that hot point now, we just slow it down. I thought it was just me, but now he informed me yesterday that he was just waiting for me to make the first move - great haha. He is in the navy, so he goes to sea on Saturday for 5 weeks, and I just made the comment that he made me wait this long, that i'm making him wait til he comes back from sea, and he told me he was surprisingly cool with that, and that he wasn't making me wait, but was making me make the first move. So of course now I'm gonna stick to my word and wait until he gets back from sea and see where it goes from there.


Now here's my dilemma....we haven't had a talk about where this relationship is going, if anywhere, if he's dating anyone else, and all that good stuff. I want to bring it up to him before he goes, just so i know my place and i'm not left wondering if he just wants a friendship, or more. We get along amazingly well - he's almost seems too good to be true - he's nice, smart, kind, polite, respectful, the type of guy that calls me the next day telling me how much of a good time he had the nite before, everything that all my exes were NOT. I was in an abusive relationship (my DD's father) and I was "stuck" in that for 4 years ,and then this "prince" comes along and I'm trying HARD not to fall for him because I'm so used to rejection and heartache, and I'm scared

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:18pm

I think the reason no one's tackled your question

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 8:59am

I have read a lot of self-help books, the women on this board give great advice, and obviously my girlfriends all chime in with their opinion when I need one (and even when I don't)... but truly, I think you have to do what feels right for you.

I met my current BF while doing OLD, and within a couple of weeks of emailing we met in person. We have pretty much been "us" since then, but neither of us made any mention of exclusivity for a couple more weeks. For me, I need to know that we're not having sex with others, so I'd have the talk before sex. It doesn't have to be heavy, but I feel that talking about sex should be natural with someone you're considering doing it with- and I'm not all that shy about talking about anything.

So, when he comes back and you feel like you're going to have sex, I would probably say something like "If I'm having sex with you, I won't be having sex with anyone else, and I expect the same from you." If his reaction isn't agreement and immediate, rethink this, unless you're okay with him having sex with others. It sounds to me like you want a relationship, and I don't believe there's any point in settling if he doesn't.

Also, often the "no sex with others" talk leads into whether or not you're dating others, but this can come about naturally. Some people can date several people at a time (and I've done this) which is fine as long as everyone's honest about it, but if what you're looking for is a relationship, you won't be content doing that.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Moody, who could use lessons in tact sometimes


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