I'm Taking the Summer Off . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
I'm Taking the Summer Off . . .
12
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:29am

from dating, that is. (I wish it was from work, but I can't afford that)LOL. I’m burned out, and I need a break. Except for the almost 3 years that I didn’t date after my twins were born and my exh left, I have been in relationship after relationship. And when the relationships would end, the longest I would be without a relationship was 2 or 3 months, and then I would meet someone and start it all up again.

My current relationship is making me nuts, and tired and totally drained out. We got in yet another argument over the weekend, and once again, we spent no time together. Then he says to me that he’s not sure he wants to keep going, that we should take a break for a few days, I should think about things, and he’ll call me in a few days. Well, we just had a weekend “break” about 3 weeks ago. I opted not to go out to see him and his son for the weekend and I spent my weekend at home with my kids. That’s ok with me. There’s nothing to think about. I’m done. I can’t do this any more. It’s no fun any more. And once I made that decision, I did not feel lonely or sad or depressed. All I felt was relief.

Unfortunately, things did not end like I would have liked them to. The argument was heated, and a lot of negative things were said, mostly by him. He thinks I’m crazy. So, I called my sister. Up until this point, she has known almost nothing about my relationship, so I filled her in. I gave her my side and his side. And the reason I called her was because she is great at telling me the truth, not just what I want to hear. If I’m wrong, she will tell me. Well, she said I was not crazy, and she did not know how I put up with it for this long.

The bottom line is this. We live 1 ½ from each other. S wants me to spend every weekend at his house, which means I drive the 1 ½. In the 8 months we have dated, he has been to my house twice, and all the rest has been me up by him. That is very difficult for me to do as a mom and a homeowner. I have responsibilities and chores to do. I have grocery shopping, and cleaning, and so many other things to do. As much as I would love to leave it all and spend every weekend with him on his boat on the lake, I am only cheating the devil, because I come home to a dirty house, dirty clothes, and no food in the frig. His answer to all our problems is for me to move in with him so we could be together all the time and not do the drive. I have a house, twins, and 3 cats and a crapload of stuff I have accumulated over 15 years. He has a very tiny house, which isn’t even his – he rents it from his dad. So, I ‘m supposed to give up my house, my pets because he’s allergic to them, change schools for my kids, give up my girl scouts and boy scouts, etc. to move in with him, to be his companion and stepmom to his son. I just can’t do it. The only way I would do something that enormous would be if I was head over heels in love with this man, but I’m not. I love him, but I have some concerns and doubts, that never seem to clear up, they only get worse, or something else pops up. I wanted to be fair, so I told him about a month ago that we were moving too fast, that I had doubts, and that I needed time. He was willing to give me until the end of summer, then I would have to make a decision because my kids would have to be in school. After this weekend, it has become crystal clear to me.

So, I am going to register my kids back at their school, sign them up for summer camp in my town, get us a family pool pass, and try to plan a family vacation, just the 3 of us. And I really don’t care how selfish that sounds. I’m 40 years old. I’ve lived alone 8 years now. I can take care of myself and my kids. I guess maybe I’m just too set in my ways.

My only problem with this plan is that I know S will try to talk me into staying in this relationship. And I hope I have the strength to stick to my decision. I have tried before to walk away, and he always reels me back in. Please, all, pray for strength for me to not change my mind again.

Actually, this is not a sad message at all. I truly am looking forward to being by myself with my kids this summer. I have neglected my house so much during this relationship and during the last one. That was also a long drive for both of us, but at least we shared the drive. I just spent my free weekends being with a man and not doing what I need to do in my house. So, now I can. I want to paint my room and my daughter’s room, and the list goes on and on. Now I have no excuses, and I am TRULY looking forward to it.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 3:24pm

Donna, I admire your strength. I think you've thought this out, and you are doing what you feel is best for you and your children, and that's incredibly admirable.

I'm sure if he tries to talk you into doing anything you don't want to do, you'll be able to stand your ground and remember all of your reasons for wanting the break.

Good luck, and we're here for you, no matter what!

It sounds like you and the kids will have a great summer, even if you DO have to work!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:56pm

Donna,


I'm glad that you've stood your ground and ended things.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:26pm

If there is anything selfish in your plan, it's the good, smart

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 8:06am
Donna....good luck with your decision (I believe you are making the right one) and we are always here if you need us (((HUGS)))




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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 12:30pm

To All:

Thanks for your support. I am happy to report that my exh is taking the kids this weekend (for the first time in almost a month). I AM GOING TO PAINT MY BEDROOM! Yahoo! I'm going to take Friday off and I hope to have it done by the time the kids come home on Sunday. You can't even know how happy that makes me. I have been staring at paint primer for almost 2 years now.

That's just step one. There are so many more things on my to do list. I talked to my sister today, and she asked me if I was going to paint my daughter's room. I know I promised her 3 years ago (or so I thought). My sister pointed out that when she helped me paint my son's room, she was pregnant with her youngest, and he will be five in September. Five years! Where has the time gone? So, after my room, then I will do my daughter's room. It is well overdue.

I have not spoken to S since Sunday, so this is the easy part. Like I said, I left a message saying we were through, but I never said it to him personally. And I'm sure he will try to change my mind. I just hope I can stay strong and keep to my plan.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 4:45pm

There's absolutlely nothing more theraputic than keeping busy and your home will look great as a benefit. If he calls, stay strong and let him know everything that's on your mind. Chances are very good that he won't be able to handle it anyway. Stick to your guns, keep busy and pamper yourself when you can. It's what I live by, my place looks great and I get to ocasionally pamper myself in the process. I'm shampooing my rugs this weekend and maybe getting a facial, getting busy is also a great stress reliever.

One day at a time and you'll be just fine.

The T Girl
Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 7:52pm

Donna,

I've been a single mom for going on 16 yrs, so if those creepy crawly fingers start to try to pull you back in you can e-mail me for some Run Forrest Run words of advice.

I think the fact that you are stepping back and saying you and your kids need the time together this summer is an Awesome thing. You Rock.

Jer

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 8:59pm

Painting, sounds like fun. I might join you in that idea this weekend, my kitchen around my door desparately needs that putty stuff and paint!

If S calls, don't answer. Let him leave a message so you get an idea of what avenue he's taking. He might be nasty or he might be begging you to give him another chance, but it's probably best to know before you actually do talk to him. But you know, I'm all for cutting him off cold turkey, so you could go that way too and just never pick up for him or respond to emails.

Good luck and tons of (((((HUGS)))))







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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:21pm

Ooo, good thinking on the phone calls Alison!
It gives YOU back the control in the relationship.

Donna,

You so deserve this time off and I know you will make the most of it. Enjoy yourself and your self-discovery. The more you get done, the more your worn soul will heal. Never feel guilty for putting your self-care first. Your kids need a refreshed mommie and all of your will reap the rewards. :) I am in a "need time for myself" mode right now too, so I'm right there with you.

take care, I mean it! :)
--snow

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:09pm
None of that sounds selfish.

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