Inlaws - your experiences wanted
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| Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:26am |
Hi to all:
I was wondering if you would share your story with your inlaws. This can be past and preesent relationships. Do you like them? How do you handle the challenges they create?
The reason I am asking is because my inlaws were a huge problem in my marriage. I feel I should have had fewer expectations that they would be like my parents and I should have set much stronger boundaries much earlier on. But perhaps that is all in vain because my exh always felt everything was fine with his family until I came along!! Seriously - he did say that - and that was after I endured much hardship from them. It was also a final straw so to speak for my decision to divorce.
I am not sure if you remember the story I gave where I watched a mom struggle with a colicky infant on a plane and she started crying - it made me cry!! Because I remembered all of the bad trips to visit my inlaws with a colicky child when we didn't have the money for the horrible trips in the first place.
Okay - thanks for sharing your story!!

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Edited 2/18/2005 1:34 pm ET ET by mbfun
My MIL is....a NIGHTMARE. She's a poisonous bitter woman and any time she has a chance to make trouble between my DH and I, she takes it.
I mean that in every literal sense. I hate her more all the time.
I can't even begin to tell you all the stunts she has pulled, but I've had to call her and "put her in her place" more times that I care to. This is NOT the in-law relationship I always dreamed of. She a bitter hideous woman. She resents that she and my DH were "buddies" until I came into the picture and "took him away" and she's reminded me of that several times. She used to call my house to talk to DH about family BS or just little nothings that she wanted him to come to her house and deal with for her multiple times a night. I hated her intrusion.
She's excessively manipulative.
She is now no longer allowed to talk to my DS, Tyler. The last time she talked to him, she knew Jas and I weren't at home, but J and I were on a date and he refused to answer his cell phone. So, she called the house again to talk to Tyler and managed to wrap the conversation around to be about the baby and how he "feels" about being a big brother. Then she told him taht we probably lost the last baby because Jesus didn't want it to be born, but hopefully this one would be ok. Then she asked Jason later if Ty had told us what they had talked about. When J said "no, what did you talk about" she refused to tell him. Said "Well, it was in confidence"
The next day Tyler spilled all of this to me. He'd been very upset but didn't know what to think of what she'd said. I called her IMMEDIATELY and let her know I didn't need "her kind of help anymore." She said "Well, Tyler confides in me" and I let her know she'd no longer be talking to him without supervision, as it was harmful to him and she has no idea what really goes on in our home and not to trouble him ever again. Tyler told me that she actually says to him when she gets the chance "now, Tyler, you know if there's anything that you ever can't tell your mom and dad, you can always talk to me"
Judy, I do remember your story about the trips to visit her. I remember thinking "I could see J being that way, and it'd be the end of us" because his mom is EASILY manipulative enough to ruin us, if he couldn't see it clearly. He didn't when we first met. But then as we moved along in our relationship, his eyes were more and more open and she was just so OBVIOUSLY out of control that he was stunned, shocked and saddened by how vindictive and manipultaive she could be. And he loved me so much that it crushed him when she would tell me horrible things about him in an effort to drive a wedge between us. She ruined their relationship singlehandedly.
I can see how a MIL like yours was and mine is could indeed be the "Straw to break the camel's back"
My Ex Inlaws and I used to be very close but when my Ex left me he FORBID them to talk to me (extended family included).
I was lucky, I liked my MIL in small doses and she lived pretty far away, so we only saw her once per year or so. I still email her pictures of dd. I am closer to my ex-SIL that my ex is. She lives in Colorado and I always see her when I go out there, so that my dd can see her cousins. We joked last time that her children are going to think I divorced their uncle and now they'll never see him again.
I think the spouse has to set the boundaries with the IL's. You can't do much if your spouse doesn't support your position. If Becky's husband wasn't behind her, she would have a hard time standing up to her MIL successfully, it would be an even bigger nightmare to be arguing with them both all the time.
Becky: What your MIL said to your son is dispicable. What a loser she is.
It was. She is a loser. It's not the least of what she's done. Just the most recent.
My ds is STILL so sad over losing his baby brother over a year ago. He still at times cries (though a new baby to look forward to seems to be helping) So he was just CRUSHED by what she said. Horrible horrible thing to say to a child. And SUCH a lie. Such a lie.
As crazy as it sounds, this is all true. Cuz I know it sounds like something from a bad talk show. I want to start by explaining my exh's family. His parents were born in Germany, and they had 7 kids, three in Germany, who are now all in their 50's and have grandchildren of their own. Then in the 60's they came to the U.S., and they had 4 more kids, all boys, and my exh was #2 of 4. Mom definitely wore the pants in that family. She was mean, over-protective, over-bearing and smothering, and ALWAYS RIGHT. She never liked me. Then we got into a disagreement about something and I stuck up for myself, and that was the end of it. I was never allowed at their house anymore. When we got married, his parents and younger siblings did not go. So, once we were married, my exh never spoke to his parents. But that was his choice. I told him he could go over there or talk to them whenever he wanted to, I just was staying out of it. He chose no contact. That went on for a long time, probably 5 or 6 years. Then my exh's brother was getting remarried and he called my exh. He told my ex that he wanted us at the wedding. So, we went, and mom was actually nice to us -- as if nothing ever happened. Then from that point, things were pretty normal. We would go to family gatherings. You always had to take his mom with a grain of salt because she was nosey, and meddling and you just had to blow her off.
Then when the twins were 3 mos. old, my ex packed a bag and left. The coward went to live with his girlfriend, and he never told anyone in his family. After about a month, I talked to his one brother and told him, and he said I should tell his mom, and that he would go with me. So, I did it. She was a total b****. She actually said to me, me, "What did you do to my son to make him leave you". He was a liar and a cheat to a pregnant woman, and he left his kids, and it was my fault. She actually blamed me for him being a jerk. I had sporadic contact with his parents, mostly for the sake of my kids, until they were about 3. I would put up with her for their sake. Until one time I took them for a vist to their house and they were so rude to the kids. That was it. I told my ex that if his parents wanted a relationship with my kids, he was going to have to be the one to take them over there because I was done. And that's how it remains. I haven't seen his parents in about 3 years, which is fine with me, or any other siblings for that matter. I have a family, who are wonderful and loving, I certainly don't need his family.
Donna
My ex-inlaws.
I can't begin to explain the horrors that I went through with my former mother in law. I just can't. My ex didn't handle her appropriately. He made valiant efforts, but couldn't. She was cruel, manipulative, hurtful, and her intent was to split us up and get her "little boyfriend" (my husband) back.
My father in law died 5 days before our wedding (he had been divorced from ex MIL for 8 years). He was a wonderful man. His death made my ex feel totally obligated to his mother.
My ex sister in law and I got along pretty well. Unless she was being manipulated her mother, which was constant.
My ex MIL was a contributing factor, one of the LARGEST contributing factors, to the dissolution of my marriage. Completely.
My in laws now. I LOVE TT's dad and step mom. We have a wonderful relationship. We're going to visit them this weekend, in fact. His mom has severe MS, and I've never really known "her". I've met her several times - but she is - she is - hmmm - she has very little to no short term memory, she thinks that I am TT's ex-wife (from 18 years ago) on some days. Other days she has no idea who I am. Sometimes she knows I'm me. She is in pain, and is constantly heavily medicated. She is very fearful. She can be very mean and cruel. To everyone. She has no involvement in our marriage, at all, and no effect on it, at all. She is very self-centered (I've been told she was always self-centered but the disease, medications, pain has intensified this) and it's all about her. Being that she doesn't remember who I am - I'm never a target. TT's siblings - no problems, except w/ his brother's wife, but she's coming around. She thought for a very long time, due to TT and I's age difference, that I was after his money (huh? When we met? WHAT money? LOL!) and out to hurt him.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Hey girl - since I am around today thought I would post to this sincce I have had 2 sets. They plain stink. With sons, moms can do no wrong. Unfortunately I don't see this changing much> I don't know why they say find a man that treats his mom like gold - usually means she is the saint and you will always be second best. So I can totally relate to what you have said. first MIL - like that. Second set - Like that. Crazy, opinionated, pushy. PITA's. If I marry jack doesn't seem like that streak will end. My only Godsend is the writing each other off thing which looks to be what might happen. I know that is terrible but thank heaven!
:)
Eegads. You do have your hands full with them. I don't like the way your MIL does things behind your back. She was very insensitive and callous with an obviously SENSITIVE subject. I don't like that she would tell him to talk to her if he can't talk to you. You handled it very well and you have to stay strong with that.
My XMIL was a poisonous witch. She was so jealous of me. And that is a shame - because I really set out in the beginning wanting a whole new family - I was looking forward to it and had an open heart.
She booked a trip to see us without asking us first and then hung up on my XH when he explained we had already had made plans to go somewhere for that weekend (it was my 30th birthday).
She hounded us to see her when I was pregnant for right after the baby was born. And then she put a guilt trip on my XH that his grandmother was dying and we had to come and bring the baby. When we got there his grandmother was very sick and she was left in a house alone all week while XMIL and the rest of the family were an hour away having fun on a boat.
That trip was very hard for me because DS was so young and colicky. PLUS XSIL's kids had the chicken pox which she didn't tell us until the night before we were supposed to go. I had the hugest fight with my exh of my life right before that trip. If I had to do it over again I would have left his butt right there and gone home to my parents instead.
XMIL also knew we had very hard financial times when ds was born - I was making more than half our money and gave up my job to be at home with ds. We had to live on $100 per week for everything - food, diapers, gas for me, doctors, haircuts. She put a huge guilt trip on my exh to visit her. I really resented going to visit her because it was expensive for us at that time - airfare, hotel (we tried staying with her once but the bed was really old, smelly, uncomfortable and she smokes) and rental car (no one would come to pick us up). She was mean and I didn't have fun there PLUS it was so hard to do two 3 hour flights with a colicky baby.
Plus when we moved from AZ to FL she had the audicity to call me up and yell at me for not calling her for a week. Excuse me lady, but I am not your daughter, whenever I do call you are rude to me, AND I have been moving an entire household, child, dog and business all the way across the COUNTRY for the past week and am exhausted!!
Overall she was just a pill before DS was born. But the real time bomb blew up after ds was born. That is when my exh started acting like her and he would not put me first and viewed ME as the problem!!
But that is okay now. I learned many lessons, and, she has him back!! :-)
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