Inlaws - your experiences wanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Inlaws - your experiences wanted
23
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:26am

Hi to all:

I was wondering if you would share your story with your inlaws. This can be past and preesent relationships. Do you like them? How do you handle the challenges they create?

The reason I am asking is because my inlaws were a huge problem in my marriage. I feel I should have had fewer expectations that they would be like my parents and I should have set much stronger boundaries much earlier on. But perhaps that is all in vain because my exh always felt everything was fine with his family until I came along!! Seriously - he did say that - and that was after I endured much hardship from them. It was also a final straw so to speak for my decision to divorce.

I am not sure if you remember the story I gave where I watched a mom struggle with a colicky infant on a plane and she started crying - it made me cry!! Because I remembered all of the bad trips to visit my inlaws with a colicky child when we didn't have the money for the horrible trips in the first place.

Okay - thanks for sharing your story!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:00am

Yes, Becky. You are right. BUT if your dh sees her behavior this way then you are very okay. It will be a pain but you will manage it and set a boundary.

My XH only got frustrated and said why can't everything just be okay. He never saw her for that way. He saw me as the problem. And it really wasn't fair because I put up with too much of her crap before I blew up. Also my XSIL was just as evil - she could easily have been the twin sister of her mother!!

It is good for me to type all of this and to hear everyone's stories. I will never again do something for the sake of pleasing someone else and will manage it much differently next time. I also think my expectations will be different, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:18am

"I have a family, who are wonderful and loving, I certainly don't need his family."

BRAVO, Donna, BRAVO!! That is the best saying!! LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:20am

Thanks for sharing your story, Min. It is nice to know that it can be better the second time around.

Did the first experience make you wary to meet TT's family the first time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:21am
Hey Laurie - welcome back!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:22am
That is probably the best MIL story ever. It is great that she helps you. Poo poo on the rest of them!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:23am

Hey Lori,

Good to hear that your set of inlaws now are at least tolerable. I guess you have to count your blessings for that after reading some of our stories here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:27am

YES - you are so right that the spouse has to set the boundaries.

It is great that you can still talk to your XSIL and preserve the cousin relationship with DD.

I do not have any contact whatsoever with any of my XILs. I did see the mom and an aunt at DS's first communion. We were all very civil but that was it. They did sit with us but it was because they got there very late and our pew had a few seats - we all had to SQUEEZE down a lot and one of them didn't fit. And we did take pix. My babysitter was there - I said just do one big shot with everyone because I could not bear to be there any longer. And we do have one big shot.

My DS does know the story of how they treated me. I felt I had to tell him that so he will understand why I do not have contact with them. But I also reassured him that they love him very much and do the best that they can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:50am

West:

"I will never again do something for the sake of pleasing someone else and will manage it much differently next time."

Thanks for writing this. It is so important, and awesome advice.

In fact, I was thinking that same thing the other day. I got an invitation to my niece's 2nd birthday party -- little sis' baby. I've decided that for once in my life, I'm going to be selfish and think only of myself and not go. I did Christmas as a favor to my parents, but this is different. This is at her house, which I haven't stepped foot in in over 3 years, and which was supposed to be my house. WRONG ANSWER. Can't do it, won't do it. I'm not into self-torture. Like you said, it's not worth compromising yourself to please someone else.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:32pm

"Did the first experience make you wary to meet TT's family the first time?"

Yes and no. No - he was 36 when we started dating . . . and lived a life totally separate from them. Do you know what I mean? I didn't see any signs that they would be a factor in our life. And *I* was in a much better place, too, which made it much easier. Yes - I am 11 years his junior, divorced (so is he - so are both of them) and a single mom - and I feared that they would think negative of me. THE SECOND I met his dad and step-mom - all my fears were gone.

But I must admit, I thanked God numerous times that NO ONE lives HERE - and they all live across the country!!!!! And as much as I love them all - I'm still thankful for that fact!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 1:08pm

But I must admit, I thanked God numerous times that NO ONE lives HERE - and they all live across the country!!!!! And as much as I love them all - I'm still thankful for that fact!....


I would give almost ANYTHING for that!!! When we've made plans to leave the state (with the fact that we'd be leaving J's mom behind high on the list of reasons) she made plans to go to the same area. I don't think it's possible to escape that woman.


I have horrible bad thoughts that I feel guilty about where I look forward to the day she dies. I know that's bad. But I am human, after all.


My Brother in Law and Sister in Law (She is one of my best friends) actually requested and received orders to live in Denver (an hour from us) and we're really excited. THey wanted to be closer to US, but they are nervous even from an hour away about being that close to the boy's psychotic mother!

Becky

Becky