Insecure and feeling vulnerable

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Insecure and feeling vulnerable
5
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 1:18pm

Well, it seems like I have found myself back into insecure waters... I feel like my confidence only has a shelf life of 3 months! Then after that I turn into an insecure fretful drama seeking person???

Basically, what's different this time is that I am aware of my emotions and I'm trying to actually talk through them... But it has really made some problems surface that I have been avoiding all these years...

My current bf is really wonderful and I love him very much! We are both good to each other. I take care of him, he takes care of me... It's been nice! A nice change of pace from all the DRAMA that has gone on in my life. For those of you that remembered my post back in January I went on the wonderful ski trip with him and had the BEST time!!!

Now, the scary part... I want to share my feelings and thoughts with him, but I am still trying to sort them out myself... For the first time in my life I have really let someone in and it's REALLY scary! I feel emotionally naked! He has been nothing but supportive, sweet, and encouraging me to open and share... so that has helped a lot. But I don't want to be this insecure person! There's so much a person can do to reassure you everyday, then it gets OLD! I do see a counselor once a week so that helps...

I'm posting now to get some more opinions and thoughts on how to get rid of DRAMA.... my counselor said that since I've been so used to it, attracted it and causing it over the past 20 years, that it will take months maybe years before it's completely out of my system...

Here I find my life relatively drama free (on the relationship front), and I'm anxious... I feel like I am looking for things... For example, both my bf and I are in our 30s, so we've had our experiences... Now I ask myself, why am I so worried about his past? I told him I didn't want to know any details (how many, looks, situations)... I REALLY DON'T... I just needed to know the major ones. Like engagement, longest relationship, children with anyone, STDs, etc... He has obliged and respected my request. He answered what I asked of him, and has been good about not saying anything else (the things I don't want details about). But even so, just the smallest thing and something inside of me (I try and control it, but I can't) gets triggered and I find myself obsessing again...

Also, even though I think of the bad relationships in the past and how I sustained the WORST treatment without question... it still doesn't help my obsessing over these insecure thoughts... Example... My past bf was VERY insecure and everything I did he questioned. My clothes, my friends, my family, everything! When I would tell him what pleased me in bed, for example, he assumed I was this slut and he started to have these different dreams about me.... How I was with all these different men and I was going to cheat on him!

After going through THAT you would think I would be more sensitive and not do the same thing to my current bf that my ex bf did to me, right? (Sorry if I lost anyone...I'm trying to put things in a nutshell as best as I can)... Well, so far I have stopped myself from taking that road, and have looked at things in a more "rational" way...

I confiding in him this weekend about my problems with insecurity and how I'm trying to work through it... He was very understanding and told me to tell him whatever I felt comfortable telling him.... I told him I think it's because I was so used to NOT communicating in my past relationships... I think I chose inexperienced guys to be with so I could feel like I was more in control... and that the ones that were "experienced", I chose to ignore my insecure feelings and was under the "what I don't know won't hurt me" umbrella...

I don't know anymore! I just know I need to get over my insecurities if I am going to have a healthy and long-lasting relationship... because that is what I want now... I'm through with being treated badly, and I'm done with feeling like I don't measure up!

How do other women deal with fact that your man has a past, and has been with other women? Do you share the intimate details? Do you just ignore the idea?

Again, I have talked to him... He's done everything he can to reassure me... Told me that he's not "on the prowl", that he doesn't compare people (everyone is different), that he loves me and is happy to be with me, he says he has nothing to prove (no notches to put on his belt), no sexual conquests, he's not looking to "score", he's not out to play games.

He doesn't want to say or do anything that will hurt me... Nor has he... I know it's my issue... I can turn the most innocent statement into a "What did you mean by that?" or "What does that mean?" I know that if sex was THE thing to be "GOOD" at, and there was a guaranteed that no one would leave you if you were the "BEST". Then we would be taking classes in high school and college on "How to keep your man by being the best at sex". And people who write books like, "Women are from Venus, and Men are from Mars" and "The fundementals of marriage" would go out of business! I think I answered some of my own questions... I guess if I tell myself everyday that I am good enough then it might finally sink in... SMILE

Sorry for the novel again, it seems like I always post pages and pages...

Thanks for listening!

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 3:02pm

Well, although I'm not an expert, and everyone else will be able to help you, let me just say, I think we're all insecure about certain things.

If knowing your bf has a history, which I have to say everyone does, bothers you, that's something you need to work on. You seem to know it's YOUR problem, so to speak, and that's good. But, you run the risk of ruining a great relationship by just pretending the past doesn't exist, too, because you're tormenting yourself, and that isn't good for you.

Keep talking to you counselor, and keep the lines of communication open with your bf.

As far as me, personally, yes, I know the man I'm with has a past, but it's not something I'm bothered with or dwell on. I have a past, and I don't dwell on that either. It really doesn't come up after the STD, children, divorce talk, I guess. If he compared me, it would be a problem, but I haven't had a guy who did that, at least verbally.

Sorry I'm not more help, but please stick around, and I hope some of the other ladies have better advice for you!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 7:47pm

I think you should start journaling. Whenever you write a negative thought, stop. Take the time to try to see the good and rewrite it below. Keep doing this and you will see that sometime what we deem as negative really has a purpose in our lives and is not so negative.

For example, his past. The good to that is he is experienced in many ways that benefits you. He is able to be more patient with you and appreciate your good.

Drama is a funny thing - if you go looking for it you will find it.

Just because you were a drama queen in the past doesn't mean you need to be one now. You need to take time to yourself to sort your own thoughts. Do you exercise? If not you should start - that really takes the steam out of the bad thoughts and makes you handle stress better.

Of course you can start posting here more, too. We can help you sort stuff out.

But just breathe - even if this doesn't work out it is not the end of the world. You will get over it. The most important thing is the health of you and your kids - if you have that you have everything.

HUGS!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:26pm

Hi PoolDiva! I read your post and sounds like what I think I'm going through right now. If someone tells me that I'm smart or pretty or they like to be around me and I'm a good person, but I have a hard time believing it. I've been told the same things by my ex (soon-to-be) and then just after he'd be putting me down and calling me obscenities. So I think people tell me those things because they think I want to hear them, but don't really mean them. The counselor I'm seeing says I'm a good person and maybe I am. I am trying to be... I'm just learning how to take risks now for the first time in my life - risks I'm taking in order to pursue my own happiness... Like risking going out with friends after work, risking talking to friends, risking making friends... risking talking to another guy... risking seeking a divorce from an abusive marriage... risking talking to my own family after 10 years... So far each risk I have taken has led me in a positive direction. Therefore, I'm learning to take risks, but wary of consequences, so long as those risks don't affect the welfare of my 5-year old son.

I realized that I was unhappy years ago, but stayed in the marriage because I thought I could try to make it work. I'm divorcing my husband because he was so abusive emotionally to me (and extremely controlling) and our son and even started physically abusing him that I said "enough is enough". I moved extremely fast with everything and it's all happening so fast. I wouldn't have it any other way now because the only way I get things done (make decisions) is if I act on them quickly. Otherwise, I will linger and delay decisions until it's too late (which is how I was for over 10 years).

Anyways, I feel the same way about being insecure. Every day I have to wake up and say I'm going to try to be a better person, more outgoing, smile more, and talk more. It's taken me years to overcome my shyness and want to be outgoing and every day it gets just a little bit easier.

It sounds like you have found a really good man and you deserve happiness. Follow your heart...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:53am

I want to say thank you to all that responded... I truly am trying to come to grips with what's going on... I know growing up I was forbidden from having emotions, and not allowed to express my ideas or feelings... if I did I got verbally abused and guilt-tripped on! I had to remain ALWAYS happy, no moodiness (I was moody anyway), agree with EVERYTHING, be seen and not heard, not allowed to be playful like a child, act and PERFECT. This dynamic still occurs with my mother and me today... which is why I'm making quick plans to move out ASAP... I see how she interacts with my son and it hurts me to NO end... I know this is the way she was and still is with me... I'm close to getting my debts straightened out and should be able to move out by June...

Over the past 5 years, and especially since having my own child, I've had to deal with things that were buried away all these years. For one thing, I share my feelings now, I'm more assertive, and I know it's OK that I'm not perfect. My son is the first person to show me unconditional love, and that has changed my life. He loves me no matter what I do, what I say, or what I look like... And I feel the same unconditional love for him...

Like one of you said, I don't want to run the risk of ruining a great relationship by just "pretending" the past doesn't exist. As a child my survival tactic was denial... it enabled me to survive and deal... I know that even though my parents were married for 32 years, I am a commitment phobe... Now that I am with someone who wants a future with me and longterm commitment I'm starting to have that panicked feeling (it comes and goes). I have no doubts that this is the person I want to spend my life with... I'm just still scared... I've been hurt by the people that meant the most to me (my mother and father) and I have trouble putting my trust in something I can't control...

Oh, and I liked the idea of journaling.... I've been behind with that, but I should pick it up again... I also like the suggestion of rewriting a negative thought into a positive one below... I'll let you know how it works out... I guess my fear was that if I look at the positive things, that I would be living in denial again like I did with some of my prior bad relationships and growing up... I think the person I trust the least is myself!

I'm getting back to exercise, and I just joined a mom's group in my town... Many ladies have 2-year-old sons like me... So I figured that it would be good support too... So far it's been nice to get out and meet other women who have children...

Anyhow, thank you for listening once again and I'll keep posting

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 5:27pm

I can empathize with your feelings. I've been doing a lot of reading lately, trying to work through my issues. I'm also in counseling. One book I found that I'm finding very helpful is "If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World" by Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. I got my copy from the library. All my life I've thought I wanted a happy, healthy relationship, and I do on one level. However, I've consistently either avoided them or gotten into problematic ones. So lately I've been praying that God would prepare me, my heart, to be in a loving relationship.

I think that right now you're probably feeling overwhelmed, unworthy, insecure, etc. about the good thing you've found. In my life, I've found that sometimes I just have to start very basic, my understanding about something can be so limited. I don't know if you're a religious person or what have you, but maybe it would ease your mind if you just start praying and/or sharing in counseling the first concern, idea, feeling, etc., you have that first comes to mind (I also write to my counselor in a journal. It's just so much easier for me to communicate that way and condenses information. Luckily, she's a fast reader.) It's amazing to me how an idea will come into my head that seems so irrelevant at first, but as I work with it, allow it to be, it's like the key to unlock a mystery. Maybe it could work similarly for you. Our minds are powerful tools that do what we tell them to. Sometimes we're unable to tell them directly what we want them to do because of fears, insecurities, etc. So we have to let our unconscious deliver it up to us in "chunks" of information we can handle. It's a good thing when we learn to trust our intuition, etc. What I've consistently observed about the troubles we tend to have is that they're extremely this or extremely that. For ex., perfectionism. Perfection is something we would all ideally like to strive for, but if someone imposes it upon us, as in parents, it sets us up for failure because noone is perfect. It's like an oxymoron. Sometimes just recognizing those unrealistic expectations, constraints, etc. can be very liberating.

I think you deserve to enjoy your relationship and I hope you do!