Interested and a little rusty...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Interested and a little rusty...........
14
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 7:33pm

I have been divorced for almost 3 years now and since the divorce have really only been involved in one serious relationship. I have dated a few other guys a time or two but haven't gotten past the initial few dates, either for a lack of interest on my part or theirs. I really haven't put much effort into finding dates or going out, my main concern has been getting my life back on track. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past couple of years. I purchased my own home, have gotten completely out of debt except for my mortgage, spent a lot of time figuring out who I was and realizing I could be self-sufficient and not HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. All that said, at this point I feel like I am ready to get out and be more proactive in dating.
So here is where I am at.......There is this man who over the summer I saw 3 or 4 times in passing while at the softball fields where my daughter plays. I help coach and he also coaches(not my daughters team). We never actually talked the times we saw each other, but a couple of those times there was that awkward moment of eye contact when you catch the other person looking at you or checking you out at the precise time you were checking them out. Then you both smile shyly and turn away. A couple of weeks ago at my son's basketball tryout, I was sitting on the bleachers when he walked in. He made a point to walk over to me with a big smile and say, "Hey, are you following me or what? You seem to be everywhere I go". Dumb me, all I can do is laugh/giggle and say, "Yeah, I must be". And again there was that somewhat awkward eye contact where you want to say something else, but just really don't know what to say or really have the opportunity to say it because of the time and place. That was all he said and went to help with the tryouts since he helps with organizing the league. I didn't get another chance to just briefly say "bye" that day, because the coaches all were staying after the tryouts to divide up the teams. Since then I have thought about him at times and wondered if maybe he had some interest, but just didn't know how to approach me since we had never really talked. I guess he obviously noticed me, or he wouldn't have made the comment he did. The last piece of this whole story is that a couple of days ago I called him about a meeting the softball league was having. (Of course I volunteered for that duty being the league secretary ;) It was really just a legit "business" call to let him know about the upcoming meeting. He remembered me from the softball field and basketball tryouts.....anyway what might have taken 5 minutes turned into a twenty minute phone call. We talked just about the softball league and business stuff, but chatted for twenty minutes about it. I said several times I was taking up too much of his time, but he insisted it was fine and we kept talking. So long story short.........I believe this guy is single and available according to the info I got from a close friend of mine who is also an aquaintance of his. We probably won't cross paths again for a while unless I make the opportunity arise....I really gave him no outward indication I was interested, and my phone call to him would appear to be for "business" only. Having been out of the dating game for WAY too long, am I making something out of absolutely nothing?? Do I ask my friend to test the waters for me??? Do I simply do nothing because I am completely crazy for thinking he might be interested??? Do I be the assertive woman and just call him up and ask him out??? Wow, I am completely inept at this dating, flirting, relationship thing after being out of it for so long. He seems like he would be a really nice guy to get to know(even just as a friend), we have a lot of the same interests and my friend says he is one of the nicest guys he knows. So what do you guys think............I think this is going to be a long learning process for me to get back in the dating game!!!!!......LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 11:51pm

Welcome.

You sound like you are doing GREAT - that you worked so hard on all of the things in your life and now have a lot to show for being on your own. When you put yourself first, everything else falls into place.

My opinion/advise is to wait and let him make the move. YOu did take a big step to call him and it sounds like there is flirtation from both of you. I think he will do something soon by the sounds of it. Of course there is nothing wrong with a friend helping you.

Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 11:20am

I agree with West. I would wait for him to make a move. Of course, he enjoys any attention that you might give him. But, he might not want any more than an ego boost. The only way to know for sure is to wait and let him chase.

I have a single brother and he's not a player (far from it), but he always has a few prospects on the horizon. I try to get him to go after the ones who are pursuing him. He ALWAYS goes for the ones he has to chase. I don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 2:12pm
Thanks for your replies.............I guess I just need to sit back and wait, be patient and let him make the first move. These days I hear different opinions on whether to pursue, or not to pursue and let the man make the first move. Some guys have told me that I should at least let him know for sure I am interested and then let him take it from there. I am so totally inept at this whole dating thing.............LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 4:52pm

The reason I say don't pursue - sit back and wait - is because that is the way to tell if he is that into you. Many guys feel that if a chick has to chase them she is desperate - it lessens your value in their eyes.

I think it is totally okay to ask for help with something and show interest by enjoying conversation and smiling, looking good, having eye contact - all of that stuff.

When a guy wants to date you or see you he will DEFINITELY make it known and you will not have confusion.

I don't feel that there is this "equality" between the sexes when it comes to dating - because most men have a physical need for sex and usually don't want to commit to a monogamous relationship unless they are really that into her.

When a guy is just killing time to find someone better or just into the sex he doesn't call all that often, he doesn't go out of his way to make the relationship go forward, he just calls at the last minute when he is in the mood - doesn't commit. When he is into you because you catch his fancy he goes out of his way to impress you and there is a big difference in his behavior.

It is all a matter of watching and determining how you want to be treated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 7:16pm

I ABSOLUTELY agree 100% with everything you just posted. I do not want to appear to be desperate or needy, because frankly I am not. I have really adjusted to being single, and am leading a quite pleasant existance on my own without a relationship. There are times I miss the closeness and companionship of a BF/GF type relationship. I do feel that I have come to a point where I am ready to branch out and have a go at dating, or at least get out and find some friends to go out with. Most of my current friends are already married and settled down, so that's been hard. My life the past couple of years has been all work, kids and establishing myself in a new town. I guess maybe I was just trying to think of a way to drop a few subtle hints that I might be interested and then leave the ball in his court. I don't see him that often so I was figuring I might have to orchestrate a "chance" meeting. We both are involved in coaching youth sports in our fairly small town, so it wouldn't be obvious at all.........Listen to me, I sound like some teenage girl with a crush.........how ridiculous!!! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 7:52am

I think you have to wait for him to do this.

I see nothing wrong with asking him questions or for help to facilitate contact. But if he is making no further effort for contact or a meeting there is a reason.

The most difficult thing for us to to accept that even though we may have strong feelings towards a guy, even a crush, it doesn't matter unless he feels the same way AND does something about it. I think the best thing is to just keep getting out there and don't get stuck on one!! Easier said than done of course ;-)

Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 2:37pm
Have hope, and be patient. I met my BF, M, in a similar fashion. Our kids swim @ the same pool but for different teams. I first noticed him early in the summer of 2005, when he was in the middle of his divorce. Same kind of caught glancing at one another thing. Then nothing for a year. We just didn't see each other much. Then my son had issues w/ his dad and his car so I was back to driving the boys to practice and M noticed me again. Now he was past the divorce and I guess had asked someone if they knew me. This past July he got up his nerve to talk to me, about swim stuff, then the divorce experience, and one thing led to another. He was going on vacation w/his kids so I gave him my e-mail. We started dating right after he got back.
He did the persuing for sure. I agree w/the previous posts on that, you can just put ourself out there to be noticed, but let him figure out if he wants to go for it. Nothing is more attractive than a confident, competant woman who has her own life and presents a bit of a challenge to a guy. If this guy doesn't go for it, there will be another one who does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 5:12pm
That is a good story, QueenBun!! Sounds very good indeed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:17pm
Wow our situations do seem quite similar. I definitely want him to do the pursuing as you mentioned, although I would like to put out the subtle hint that I could be a little interested. I don't know how often I will see him in the near future, being winter and softball season is over for now. However, I do have occasion to call him. I am involved with one of the leagues in town and he in the other. We are trying to bring them together, so I have had to call him once already and will have to contact him again in the next day or two. I wish I could come up with something great to give him the subtle hint what going on in my head the next time I call him. It's just hard for me to throw a personal note in when it really is business I am calling about. I don't want to sound too obvious or like a complete bumbling idiot. If nothing else I'll just be patient and see where it goes I guess.....after all he is not the only single guy out there. Just one I have a crush on right now......LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:29am

The thing that stinks is - it totally doesn't matter that you are interested. Men have goofy tastes in women - if you trip his trigger he will come after you.

But don't just get tunnel vision on him - keep getting out there!! I mean, there could even be a better one on the horizon!!

The hardest thing to do is NOTHING.

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