Interested and a little rusty...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Interested and a little rusty...........
14
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 7:33pm

I have been divorced for almost 3 years now and since the divorce have really only been involved in one serious relationship. I have dated a few other guys a time or two but haven't gotten past the initial few dates, either for a lack of interest on my part or theirs. I really haven't put much effort into finding dates or going out, my main concern has been getting my life back on track. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past couple of years. I purchased my own home, have gotten completely out of debt except for my mortgage, spent a lot of time figuring out who I was and realizing I could be self-sufficient and not HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy. All that said, at this point I feel like I am ready to get out and be more proactive in dating.
So here is where I am at.......There is this man who over the summer I saw 3 or 4 times in passing while at the softball fields where my daughter plays. I help coach and he also coaches(not my daughters team). We never actually talked the times we saw each other, but a couple of those times there was that awkward moment of eye contact when you catch the other person looking at you or checking you out at the precise time you were checking them out. Then you both smile shyly and turn away. A couple of weeks ago at my son's basketball tryout, I was sitting on the bleachers when he walked in. He made a point to walk over to me with a big smile and say, "Hey, are you following me or what? You seem to be everywhere I go". Dumb me, all I can do is laugh/giggle and say, "Yeah, I must be". And again there was that somewhat awkward eye contact where you want to say something else, but just really don't know what to say or really have the opportunity to say it because of the time and place. That was all he said and went to help with the tryouts since he helps with organizing the league. I didn't get another chance to just briefly say "bye" that day, because the coaches all were staying after the tryouts to divide up the teams. Since then I have thought about him at times and wondered if maybe he had some interest, but just didn't know how to approach me since we had never really talked. I guess he obviously noticed me, or he wouldn't have made the comment he did. The last piece of this whole story is that a couple of days ago I called him about a meeting the softball league was having. (Of course I volunteered for that duty being the league secretary ;) It was really just a legit "business" call to let him know about the upcoming meeting. He remembered me from the softball field and basketball tryouts.....anyway what might have taken 5 minutes turned into a twenty minute phone call. We talked just about the softball league and business stuff, but chatted for twenty minutes about it. I said several times I was taking up too much of his time, but he insisted it was fine and we kept talking. So long story short.........I believe this guy is single and available according to the info I got from a close friend of mine who is also an aquaintance of his. We probably won't cross paths again for a while unless I make the opportunity arise....I really gave him no outward indication I was interested, and my phone call to him would appear to be for "business" only. Having been out of the dating game for WAY too long, am I making something out of absolutely nothing?? Do I ask my friend to test the waters for me??? Do I simply do nothing because I am completely crazy for thinking he might be interested??? Do I be the assertive woman and just call him up and ask him out??? Wow, I am completely inept at this dating, flirting, relationship thing after being out of it for so long. He seems like he would be a really nice guy to get to know(even just as a friend), we have a lot of the same interests and my friend says he is one of the nicest guys he knows. So what do you guys think............I think this is going to be a long learning process for me to get back in the dating game!!!!!......LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:01pm

Awesome advice from everyone.... I can empathize with the "crush" thing.... That used to be my deal when i first got back into dating. I'd see someone I was interested, developed a crush, and freaked at every chance (or not so chance) meeting. And I wondered, how do I balance letting him know I'm interested, but not chasing him... In the end I learned for me, eye contact, smiling, and my own style of flirting was sufficient. Those things let the guy know I was interested, the next step is his. If he's interested, then he WILL take the risk and make a move. If not, then I keep moving on....

My advice is just keep getting your feet wet. You sound like you are in the right place emotionally to start dating again. And all that work will pay off with each guy you meet.

Again, great advice everyone.. And soooo true.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:19pm
Fairy10,
Patience, patience. Like the others advise, be open to all possibilities. When M first approached me I was in a total open for dating, nothing serious, no expectations mode. I'd never really dated before since I'd met and fell in love w/ my X at age 14. So I figured all bad dates would be good practice for me. I didn't have much of a minimum standard for guys either. M figured I'd turn him down because he assumed I was at least 10 years younger than he (actually it's a 3 yr difference), and that I probably had my pick of suitors and he's a fairly average looking guy. I was dating 3 other guys I'd met through OLD, but M persevered and soon became, as he puts it, the only stallion in my stable. Our first meet up after he came back from vacation was lunch at the playground of the park where our kids swim. He brought me roses from his garden, sooo sweet. Went on the first real date two days later. He had to rush back from CA business trip and made an appreciable effort to get back to Tucson in time for our date. So, yes, he was clear that he was TOTALLY into me. By the end of that date the chemistry was very evident, so I gave the other guys their walking papers, and M & I have been exclusive ever since. So you never know how things will turn out. Just have fun for starters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:58pm

Wow QueenBun - that was an excellent way to start. That truly is an example of a guy being into you. And good that you kept your options open.

One thing I have observed, and made the same mistake myself, is that when one has a crush they tend to get tunnel vision on that person. They analyze every movement and start to think that the slightest bit of attention means the person is totally into them. It is hard NOT to do this when you really like someone.

It is good that you were dating several people. How did you meet M?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:30pm
Yes, the crush thing is sooo true. The first guy I fell for after my divorce I was totally head over heels for at first sight. (met through OLD) That relationship lasted 3 months. What I learned from that experience was that if I let a guy mean too much to me too soon, I get all weird and over analyze everything he does. That most definitly contributed to the quick demise of that relationship.
My meet M story is in my earlier post on this thread. And he still makes sure I know he is totally into me. I think that he is more attentive than a lot of guys because he partly blames himself for his X's cheating. He travels a lot for work and thought she was fine with it. It's very apparent she was not, and he has made a lot of effort to learn from his mistakes in that marriage. He's not interested in having a lot of meaningless relationships, got that out of his system in his 20's. So he asks how I feel about his absences, he calls me every day when he's gone and always makes plans to see me when he gets back. I know he talks to his sister about me and asks her advice on any concerns he has in understanding women. I guess what I find most appealing is that he makes sure I know that he values having me in his life. The side benefit is that if I feel secure and he's slightly insecure the physically intimate side of things is spectacular. Even though I wasn't nutty about him at first, I do have the sense to realize I've found someone who is compatable in ways that are important to me and I have developed a very strong attraction to him even though he doesn't have GQ looks.
So I guess the moral of my story is, keep your options open, there's a guy out there who is right but he might not be in the packaging you expect. And just let things happen, don't get too hung up on someone too soon.

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