Interracial relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Interracial relationships
12
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:00pm
I'm not even sure what I want to ask - I guess I'm just curious to know what kinds of things people might go thru with an interracial relationship.
There is a guy at work who I have started seeing kind of casually. I am white and he is black. It's never bothered me to see an interracial couple, but I have never dated outside of my race. This guy from work is someone who I have known for years but have gotten to know him much better during the last few months. I knew I sort of had a crush on him and he talked to me quite often at work, but it's only been in the last two weeks that we've started seeing each other away from work. He also calls me almost every day. We've talked so much that I'm seeing so many things we have in common.
The other day, he asked me what my family would think of our "relationship" and the fact that he is black. I really think that my parents are open minded enough to accept it and I know that my 3 year old daughter just loves him! (As I said, he's someone I've known for years and she's met him at ball games or company functions.)
I think that I'm afraid of getting involved in a relationship that may be too complicated. I know that any relationship is a challange but it seems that this may have challanges that I'm not prepared for. More than anything else, I worry about putting my daughter in a situation that is at all uncomfortable for her. He is a great dad to his own child and is wonderful with my daughter too. He's just one of those guys that all the kids rush to!
I am absolutely prepared to take things slow and see where they go with him, but I'm curious to hear if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if you have any advice.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:27am
I live in a part of the country where pretty much everything goes...we've got multiracial families, same gender parents, two different religions. I myself am Latina and my fiance is Jewish. I've got a Polynesian/white mixed student whose mom's second husband is African american...I have another student whose mom is Italian/Fijian and the dad is Mexican...can you say gorgeous? It just doesn't matter out here. I think it's about you and how you feel about it. I think your point is well taken, life is so tough as it is...my slant is if you find someone at all, who cares about his skin color? Just grab him and have a good life. My friend's parents went against everyone's well meaning advise and got married in the 60s...at the time they were very unique (Black/Chinese)...this is a strong couple still married to each other...and their children are gorgeous. Is this really about color or is it fear that he might really be the one?
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:17am
It's nice to see you on the board. Welcome! I think this is an interesting question. I know what you mean. In this day and age and modern world, it still seems that thinking outside of the box and being with someone that is not your own race, is still an issue in certain parts of the country. My father would kill me, my mother who says she is sooooooooooo liberal, is in reality a big fake. I once dated a man that was mexican and she all but choked to death. She had this awful hang up and wouldn't let it rest. It's not just the white race that thinks this. One of my best friends is black and she refuses to go out with MILK CHOCOLATE because it could have white in it or something else. She says she only goes out with DARK CHOCOLATE. What a way to put it, but that's how she thinks. She also says its a disgrace for a black man to date a white woman, since their aren't enough descent black men left and the white women should keep their fingers off of them. LOL! That's my friend! Gotta love her thinking, or not. I'ver heard so many stories on both sides. LIke the Jewish families that want their sons to find a NICE Jewish girl, or the Irish moms, German moms, Muslim families. It is still too engrained in us to stick with our race, but if you have support (which I know this board will give you), then I say go for it, if you think this guy is something important to you. Just remember, if the little voice inside of you starts doubting this decision, then you need to step back and think about it a bit more. Usually your inside gut is the one to go for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:35am

Welcome.

What part of the country are you in? From my experience, that makes a lot of difference.
I've dated interacially and would marry interacially if I found someone I loved. By the way, race is a myth. We're all one race, just variations of color. Dividing people in that way is so sad. I hope someday that won't even be an issue.

I'm in the Midwest. There are lots of mixed color couples, but it's still an issue. I've had dirty looks from white men and black women when I dated a black man. I don't care and if I'm one of the people who is part of making it more acceptable, great. The man I'm seeing now is black/polynesian.

If this man is great and you love him, I wouldn't let him get away...even if he was purple. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:03am

Personally, I think you have to go with your heart. I don't think we necessarily CHOOSE who we love. If we did, we'd go with the way people EXPECTED us to be. Just like people saying homosexuality is a choice. HELLO??? Yeah, I can only imagine my gay friends CHOOSING to be given dirty looks and to be in danger from others out there. Same goes with interracial relationships. So many people still look down upon that and what's the deal? Just two people who are compatible and enjoy each other's company and want to make it work and have a life. Nothing wrong with that.

My parents would just die if I dated anywhere outside of white guys. They MIGHT be alright with Hispanic, but I doubt it. My ex MIL dated a Cuban man and a Black man and I remember my home town was so repulsed by her. Of course, she WAS trashy, but the fact that she dated two non white men was just icing on the cake for a lot of folks. I remember my mom telling me that I could never tell my father that Scott's mother was dating a black man. But she failed to recognize that if they were still together when I married Scott that she'd no doubt bring him to our wedding and people would just have to deal with it. I find it hypocritical of them both to say such things but yet have black friends.

Stupid.

This is your life. If he's good to you and your daughter and you both think this is worth a try, then it's up to you to make it happen. My best to you and I hope things work out for you both!

Mel

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:30am

My experience-


When I was younger (19) I dated Rudy- who is black-- a well educated, into martial arts, fluent in Japanese, great dancer, hilarious, sexy, sweet, kind, charming guy whom I ADORED. I HID him from my parents because I live in Minnesota where for a long time the state just to be honest really didnt have exposure to alot of races-- this has happened in the last 20 years and now MN is very multi cultural - many races. Anyway -- they would have been OUTRAGED!


You know what-- I wouldnt have traded my relationship with Rudy-- I learned so much from him and had such a great time during a point in my life where I was becoming an adult and moving into the world. I NEVER would have expereinced the things I did had I not known him.


Things in the end didnt work out but we still remain freinds to this day and he is married and I know his wife - who is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:51am

It's sounds funny to me, but I guess I'm in an interracial relationship. My husband is white and I'm Puerto Rican. I don't look at us as being interracial or anything like that. My kids father is a dark hispanic and so they look like they may be biracial (black/white). I've dated a biracial man my 1st time dating after my divorce - there was no big difference there. I've also dated black men when I was much younger. I don't know, but from my perspective there are definite hurdles you will have because of your relationship with a black man. There are many prejudices out there alone with just being spanish that face from time to time.

The only time I know there is a difference between me and my husband is when my hand is in his and I'm tanned and he's not.

Hugs, Marilyn

CL-Entrepreneurial Women

Business Impressions, LLC

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:45pm

Hi
I've dated a man who was half Twainese, but to me he was just another guy I dated. He was quite hot but other than that, I never thought about his race.

I have friends who have been with are or are now with either black or hispanic men and they are white. I live in a very multi-cultural area and noone really blinks at it (except maybe older people like my dad who thinks it's awful).
So to me, it's not an issue.

You have to love who you love and not worry about their race. If other people have a problem with it, let them. It shouldn't change your feelings about the person.

Welcome to the board and I hope you will stick around!
Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 8:34pm
Thanks for your comments! What's strange is that I don't ever give race a thought when we're together....only when we start talking about the future. It's not at all that I doubt our compatability or how great things are when I'm with him. I can see a future with him and I know that he has hopes of a future with me.
I live in the southeast, and interracial relationships are something that have become much more common. I am not necessarily concerned with what strangers (or even people I know) think, but how we're accepted by each others families and into each others lives. Does that make sense?
Thanks again for your input!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 8:43pm

As with anything else, time will tell. The biggest trouble I could see is how his relatives and your relatives react. But bigger still is how you will both handle that. If you are able to put the relationship first and keep everyone in line then you will be okay.

That is the case with any relationship - not just interracial ones.

If you like him and he likes you and the basic compatibilities are there, then why not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 9:36am

It sounds like you are really compatible!

The family thing is an issue no matter what differences in background you have. I think you should try to consider this as just that, a difference in background. Religious differences, ethnic differences...are all things that couples work with. If your families are working with you, it will help. And it will be good to know what their feelings are no matter what you decide. The most important thing is how you feel about each other.

From my own experience, I encourage you to not "pass" on this till consider it closely and spend time deciding. Good men are not a dime a dozen.

Pages