intro and question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
intro and question
4
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:36pm
Hello everyone!!! I'd like to introduce myself and my situation.

My name is Shelley, I am 23 years old with a darling four year old daughter, Kylee. Kylee's father and I share joint custody of her, and we have been apart since she was six months old. She is a very, very happy child, definitely well-adjusted, and her father and I have kept a pretty good relationship through the years.

Currently, I am working at WaWa (a convience store/gas station) as a manager full time, am going to start college again in January, and have a boyfriend, Dave. Dave and I have been dating now for just over two months, but we were friends for almost a year before we started dating. He is the best man I've ever met in my life and we have the healthiest relationship I've ever been in as well! I did not introduce him to my daughter until just recently, and SHE LOVES HIM! He's so good with her, but I pretty much keep my relationship with him separate from her until we are out of the "honeymoon" phase and I know he's definitely not going anywhere! (Though I'm pretty sure, as sure as you can be anyway, otherwise he wouldn't even have met her yet. He is the second of two men that's ever been introduced to her.)

With all of these good things, what could I possibly need advice about, right?? LOL.

Well, Kylee will be starting kindergarten in a year, and as it stands right now, her father and I split up the week in a very confusing way. I have her Monday and Tuesday, he has her Wednesday and Thursday, I have her Friday, he has her Saturday, and we alternate Sundays. Makes no sense, right??? =0) At the time this schedule came to be, it made sense b/c of our work schedules, but now...it just doesn't. My hours at work can vary, and sometimes he has overnight/weekend business trips, so most weeks we play the transfer game-"Can we switch Tuesday and Thursday?" or "Can you take her this night and I'll take this Sunday again?" We both do it depending on our work needs, and it's just getting aggravating. It would be okay if it was only occassionally, but it's getting constant now and I think we need to readjust the schedule that we're on, especially once school starts. I'd like to get ideas on different schedules and run ideas off him to see what we can come up with because with all the switching around I'm afraid it's going to start negatively affecting Kylee. It hasn't yet, but I prefer to be proactive instead of reactive.

There is no question about it...whatever schedule we come up with has to be 50/50, which I am so grateful for. He is a wonderful father and has done everything and anything that needs to be done for her and I. I cannot be luckier with my situation, but I really need some new ideas on our schedule!!!!

Any ideas/advice/what not would be GREATLY appreciated!!!!!

I'm excited to get to know this board and everyone involved, so if you have an idea, tell me a little about yourself (if you would like to) so I can get to know everyone as well!

Hugs,

Shelley

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:15pm
Welcome, Shelley!

I'm really impressed you and your ex have made that 50/50 schedule work for 3.5 years! NO EASY FEAT! My ex and I started off with something similar and ended it abruptly when I picked my 3 year old (at that time) up and he was in tears and he said "I never know where I'm sleeping at night!" He had no sense of security, no real schedule, and we decided it was simply too hard and we changed it to week on/week off. We've been like that for a little over 3 years now. My ex travels quite a bit for business, and he occasionally has to work late nights/early mornings/weekends and so I take him, and he'll have him for dinner one night the next week or something to "makeup".

Does she go to daycare, or is she with one of you exclusively?

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:49pm
Hey Shelley,

Welcome to the board! Hope you'll find this a home away from home!

I totally agree with you that at some point, this will negatively affect your dd. I know some people don't think so but I just can't believe that a child constantly going back and forth and never knowing where they're going to be that night is healthy.

I have sole custody, so I can't really tell you what works for me and have it be pertinent. Plus my ex is a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts, so his schedule is very different. But I was going to suggest before I even read min's answer to you a week at your house/week at his house and both of you committing to keeping it that way unless there's an absolute emergency. It sounds like you two have been able to work very well together in the best interests of your dd so hopefully you can continue that.

Hope you will stick around and that we get to hear more about your great relationship with Dave as it moves forward!

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 10:04pm
Wow!!!! You guys are awesome! I didn't expect replies so soon!!!! =0)

First, I'd like to say thank you for the advice so far. I really like the week on/week off idea and I think it would work great for both of us. Plus, I can hopefully convince my boss to work with me on that if my schedule is that consistant!

Kylee does go to daycare full time. Although most weeks, I keep her home one day b/c of my job, I usually work on weekends, too, so when I have days off during the week, I'll keep her home with me so we get some extra time in.

I will definitely be a loyal poster on this board so I'll keep ya'll updated on my relationships with my daughter and my angelic boyfriend!!!!!

I'd be happy to hear more ideas!!!

Hugs,

Shelley

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:17pm
Welcome to our board.

I can tell you what works for me regarding visitation. It was hard in the beginning but somehow it is better now.

We have an online calendar that we both fill out - it shows what days we have for special things. My DS's dad travels a lot so we have to change the schedule every week according to his work. Generally he takes him one day a week and one weekend night. I prefer to have him most of the time on school nights because I am much better at setting a routine, bedtime and homework and getting to school.

I think that when school comes around they do much better with a routine and at one house. It is just so tough with all that is required of grade school - with studying and getting homework done. And also for the fact that you have to pack up stuff to go back and forth - I am sure everyone here can appreciate "where are the school PE shoes?" and stuff like that with the back and forth shuffle.

Maybe you can take your daughter more during the week and he can go more on weekends? 50/50 can be more of a thing of time spent together than days? You get less during the week and more on weekends with regards to total free hours available.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I do think you should approach this with the attitude of our daughter's needs have changed and here is my idea for how we can make it easier on her and help her to do better in school. Always best to approach a problem with a positive solution rather than a finger pointed.