Introduction and plea for advice! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Introduction and plea for advice! :)
12
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:27pm

Hi there! I'm so glad I found this board--I read some posts and it looks as if you're a great support team for each other. A lot of you seem to know each other well--do you mind if I get a cup of coffee and join you? :)

I have a 9yo daughter and my marriage to her dad ended very ickily about three years ago. I didn't date at all until last winter, when I started seeing a guy she and I had both known for awhile. We just "hung out" for months--he was around quite a bit but we didn't really make it known to her that he was anything but a friend. The two of them had a great, friendly relationship--we all have common interests and enjoy the same activities. One reason I was so attracted to him in the beginning was that he did so very well with my daughter.

We told her that we were dating last fall, and things haven't gone as well since. We were careful to make ZERO practical changes in her life--we didn't spend any more time together, didn't touch at all in front of her, nothing--but she objected really strongly to my "having a boyfriend". He's still good for her--they like and respect each other, play games together even without me, laugh and talk--

I thought that, as time went on and she saw that nothing really changed, she'd calm down a bit--but no--

How did your kids react when you started dating again after a divorce? Has anybody else dealt with this problem? I'd love to have a little advice here!

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:33am

Hello there, and welcome! Many of us have been here for a long time, and we're always happy to see new faces!

I think you're doing everything right. Your boyfriend seems like he's doing everything right. Your daughter is probably just at the age where mom having a boyfriend is a scary thought- even if she really likes said boyfriend.

I haven't had any real experience with this- my kids are both young, and were extremely young when I was divorced. Neither of them remember me as anything but single, and dating in our family is a term we use pretty lightly- I go on dates with them, with my girl friends, and with guys. They're accepting simply because they don't know any different.

I used to have a thing for this guy R, who has a daughter a little older than yours. She and I were buddies- he's a guy I saw a lot, and we have many mutual friends. Anyhow, as soon as she figured out that her dad and I were more than just pals (sort of, long story), his daughter wasn't as happy about all of us spending time together. She still wanted to hang with me, she still played with my kids... but she wasn't keen on her dad and I spending alone time together anymore.

I always felt a little sad for her- she's a great kid, and with her dad full time. Her mother isn't in the picture at all, and it was painfully obvious that she attached herself to me because I was a woman in her life- and not a threat to her relationship with her dad, since we were all pals. It was also painfully obvious that she was terrified of losing her dad's attention- probably because he was the only parent she ever knew. He also happened to go through women like they were going out of style, which didn't help matters any for his daughter. As soon as she clued in to what was going on between her dad and I, she saw me as a threat, just like all of the other women he had dated.

My thing for R is long past, and we're still friends. His daughter is still a great kid, and will sometimes call or email me, just to say "hi" or talk about a boy she has a crush on. The situation (her dad going through women like hotcakes) still makes me sad for her, as there isn't any one woman she can rely on in her life. I guess he doesn't see what it does to her...

Not sure why I'm rambling tonight, but is it possible that your daughter has a friend whose parent has been dating- is she concerned about it for some reason? Also, I think lots of kids always hope that their parents will get back together. If you're moving on with your romantic life, she may see that that's never going to happen, and be upset about that.

I know everyone else will have wonderful advice for you, but I would just say to keep doing what you're doing, and she'll eventually come around. A loving stable environment, which you seem to be providing, and patience will win her over.

Moody, whose kids wish she'd find a date already!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 1:08am

Did you give birth to MY dd???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:02am

Moody--a lot of your ideas hit home, and I think you're right about some things--

You said of your used-to-be-boyfriend's daughter that "her Mom isn't in the picture at all...she attached herself to me because I was the woman in her life." I think that's very true with our situation. M's dad is someone she sees occasionally but he's very out of touch with what's going on in her life and has always been emotionally very, very distant. He's somebody she knows but not somebody she can count on, in other words. B. (our guy) is very much the male influence she needs, and that's obvious just from watching them interact.

You also said that this girl was "terrified of losing her Dad's attention" which I've always identified as an issue with M. I've tried very hard to minimize this issue, but the fact is that yes, if he's around, it's going to diminish the one-on-one time with her. In the grand scheme of things, I think his positive influence on our little family is much greater than the negatives. But she doesn't see things that way.

You ask "does she have a friend whose parent has been dating?" I don't think so, though she's aware that I was her dad's second wife, that after our divorce he went through women "like hotcakes" until he got married again. She also has observed that he wasn't dating long before he got married this third time. So I think her idea of what dating's about is somewhat warped. That's one reason B. and I waited so long to let her know we were dating--I wanted to be sure that B. wasn't going to be just a short-term flingy sort of thing.

So from your story about the girl you know, maybe I can learn that this is a pretty common thing for kids to feel, and that I just need to be patient. I wish there was a magic solution, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:11am

Rlch--I smiled when I read about the toothbrush holder--yep, if B. is our friend, everything's roses. In fact, she still introduces him to people as "my friend B." which I kind of like since it acknowledges that the two of them have a good relationship. But when we use the "bf word"--oh my--

For stupid reasons that aren't worth going into, even though M's dad has dated a lot and is now remarried he still throws big fits about my having a boyfriend. That sounds similar to the situation with your ex--I suppose it might have something to do with the girls being so weirded out about this.

Well, at least we know we're in the same boat, right? Let me know if you have any brilliant ideas--

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:35am

Rebecca, I completely forgot about how much Averey hated the mere thought of you dating! She sounds so grown up in your posts, I also forget how young she is! Kids don't miss a trick, do they?!

Moody- thinking I should be a bit stealthier in my actions


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:38am

I'm sure it is incredibly hard to be patient, but I really think both you and R are doing everything right by your children.
It's really too bad that not all of the adults in their lives have done this. I'm sure from her father's example, dating is a scary thing for her. Good luck, and stick around!

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 2:10pm
I second this opinion. I think you just have to do the best you can and trudge onward. Patience always pays in the end. And this will show you if R is in it for the long haul - because raising children is a long haul.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:08pm

I'm matter-of-fact with my son. He doesn't have a problem with me dating my boyfriend. But, if my son did have a problem with it, I wouldn't spend too much time explaining it to him. Dating is my decision. I would tell my son: this is what I'm doing. this is why i'm doing it. *end of the conversation*.

Single moms to an only child have to be careful that the child doesn't view himself as an equal partner in the family. You're the authority. The kid is the kid. Can you tell that I watch a lot of Supernanny and Nanny 911?? lol. even though, they never have any single parents on those shows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:57pm

Fivesense, I think that's why my kids don't have an issue with me dating. I'm the mother, and I don't explain my actions to them.

My daughter is also 5 going on 25, though, and can't wait until she has a "real" boyfriend (she is starting to get the difference between boys who are friends and boyfriends). At this rate, she'll have one before I do! My son doesn't understand why anyone would ever want to kiss (but mom, the germs!!) but has had crushes on a couple of girls.

I don't make a big deal out of it- for me or for them. It simply is.

Moody, who gets depressed thinking her daughter will be happily paired up before she is


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:23pm

"Moody, who gets depressed thinking her daughter will be happily paired up before she is."

__________LOL!!!__________________

THAT is the funniest thing I have read all day. And isn't that the way we truly feel right now?!!

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