An issue? "We are so much alike."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
An issue? "We are so much alike."
5
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:32am

Okay all you experienced women, here's a what does it/what could it mean.

Things are a-okay with my guy. We have had a couple of talks a few months into the relationship and are both happy with the state of things and the rate of progress.

Something he says/does frequently is point out how similar we are. Honestly, we are both kind of nutty folks and very much in the same way in philosophy, life style, life expectations etc.

When he says this, I don't think he's making a judgement good or bad, just an observation.

So about dating. What do you ladies think. Is it opposites attract? Can people with similar likes, dislikes, life styles and politics make itlong term or will they run out of steam and things to say? How much alike or different is too much?

Just a point of discussion. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 10:10am

"So much alike" is a good thing, especially if it's the things that can make-or-break a relationship. Like how committed you are, how you deal with parents or other friends and family and how much time to spend with others. Or finances and how you handle money. Or the amount of sex you want/need. How you like to "keep house" (are you a neat-freak or a slob, and how much can you adjust if your partner is VERY different?). How much you enjoy kids, or if you want more babies. Stuff like that. The true deal-breakers are the things I think a couple needs to have alike.

Not the superficial stuff (non deal-breakers) like what your favorite restaurant is, or what hobbies you like, or how you like to spend your free time. What your favorite tv shows or movies are. Stuff that can actually make a relationship more interesting, if you have your own likes and dislikes. You don't want to date a clone of yourself!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 3:31pm

Opposites might attract, but having absolutely nothing in common is not a great way to have a long lasting relationship of any kind. Even in my friendships, if my friends and I have NOTHING in common, have completely different parenting styles, religious views, political views, and lifestyles, we will soon run out of reasons that we're friends.

That isn't to say that we are completely alike and have all of the same hobbies, dreams, and goals. not at all. But we do have enough in common that we enjoy spending time together, can learn new things about each other, and don't have huge disagreements about the major things in life.

I think a romantic relationship will be successful long term if the people involved are in agreement about the major things, even if there are some differences about the rest of life. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who wanted 12 kids- or who hated kids.

There's also a huge grey area between having many different opinions, and being someone's clone. Finding the balance that works for you both is what is key.

Moody, about to see if Mr Right is right here


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 5:36pm

I agree with Moody and Shrimps. I think that if you can have a broad stroke of similarity and compatibility in the major life preferences categories - neat/messy, religion, money/finances, food, activity level, intelligence level, ambition, family (how you were raised and how intact your families are plus how much time you like to spend with them) and stuff like that you are much better off.

Similar is BETTER.

I do think it is good if you can have a bit of contrasts in interests - that makes for a good conversation at the end of the day.

"We are so much alike" seems to be a good thing from my observations of happy long-term couples.

Easier said than done these days!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:50pm

Well, i think SOME opposite likes/dislikes is good to mix-it- up a bit, BUT ... too opposite & i think its doomed. My X & i were SO opposite ... I am freindly, out going, very positive, patient,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 12:58am
I agree with the majority who have posted so far, the big issues are important to be in agreement, but it's nice to have different hobbies and those kinds of interests to keep things interesting. However, when the X and I were in counseling, and my X made a comment about how we'd always had different basic approaches to life (he's a dreamer, I'm down to earth and practical) the counselor said it was actually something we had going for us, I kept us grounded, he kept things from getting too routine. Since my X was in blame anyone but himself for his infidelity mode he didn't want to hear that. In his narcisistic mind, I was intrinsically flawed and everyone was supposed to agree that I needed to be more like him. But now that I think about it, it is true, we had a lot of the big stuff- religion, politics, family background, work ethic- in common but the differences mostly worked well together, too. Unfortunately, he has a deteriorating personality disorder and has become someone I just can't allow myself to tolerate anymore.
M and I have a good mix of similarities and differences, and we both try to appreciate the other's point of view. As long as one does not think one's own way is the ONLY way, and everyone else is stupid for not agreeing, it's pretty easy to get along.