It did get physical
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It did get physical
| Tue, 09-16-2008 - 7:45pm |
Well I was right. It was wonderful. EMT was wonderul but I feel guilty. I never felt guilt before. I think its the time I spent with RG has clouded my thinking. Now I feel like I did something God would not like. But I have never had a problem with sex before marriage. I know RG didnt mean to mess with my head. I mean the standards are his not mine. But it did and now I have to deal with it.
Laurie

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interesting question traumaJ... if a guy told me he was thinking of someone else, i'd feel hurt and betrayed. But then again, i hear it's okay and normal in a long term relationship to have fantasies as long as you are not sleeping with someone to fullfill them.
In my first marriage.... i stopped seeing him in a sexual way and my therapist said, then imagine someone else but just do it. I guess her theory was if we had sex, i'd feel closer to him and start thinking of him again. I confess i thought of sooo many other men from Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, Pierce Brosnan, and even my college professor.
Maybe it's okay once and a while but my theory is if you aren't thinking about the person your having sex with, then you really shouldn't be having it with them.... time for inner work, taking a break,
I think that it's OK to have conflicting feelings. It makes sense..you spent time and emotional energy investing in RG, and only time will heal and the feelings will fade. I know that right now you feel you will never be totally over him. I felt exactly the same way about a guy I considered to be my soulmate years ago, before my marriage. I held a torch for him through many relationships after him, and no one took his place in my heart, not even my husband. Until one day. I was separated from my husband, and soulmate still held a place in my heart. But I met another man, he was incredible and it made me finally realize that there are other stars in the sky just as shiny as my special soulmate was.
That man I met was the first man in 15 years post soulmate that allowed me to put out the torch for my past. I finally knew there were others just as good or better out there. I still keep in touch with him but not romantically. I feel his purpose in my life was to help launch me into the present. He opened up my eyes and showed me there are great men who I can connect deeply and passionately with .
EMT may or may not be that launching guy for you. Maybe he will develop into something more in your heart. And maybe not. But in your quest in moving forward you will eventually find the one -EMT or otherwise- who be the one to make you stop and say truly to yourself, hey- I'm over RG. I really am and you will feel the release. It is quote liberating!
As for being physical, I try not to live in regrets. What you shared was wonderful as you said, and my advice would be to live in this moment and take it for the joy it gave you, and nothing less.
I hope I get over him soon. This torch is getting heavy. For the last 1.5 years whenever I have done something fun or cool with another guy I always think 'RG would like this.' I cant move on fully until I know there is no future with RG. And it doesnt help that everytime I have backed off or broken up with RG he has said, 'ok friends for now but it might be something more in the future'. So it leaves me hanging on for that something more. I feel like RG wants to reserve me for future possibilities. Somehow I would even appreciate it if RG himself moved on. At least then I would have closure.
Laurie
I am glad I am not the only one who likes Bill Pullman. He's adorable in a funny sort of way.
Speaking of handsome men. DD's orthopedic surgeon we saw today was a babe! Tall, thin, grey hair but young looking still and ice blue eyes. Maybe if I run enough I will end up with knee pain too.
Laurie
i think you need to tell RG to fish or cut bait. either be with you or leave you alone. I don't see this "relationship" that you have with RG as healthy. To me its like a sting and a kitten. He's got the sting out in front of you and you almost have it but then he quickly pulls it away so you can't get it. I don't like it at all. Its also his way of controling and manipulating the situation where you are concerned.
Does he want you back when you start dating someone new? I ask because if that is the case you need to tell RG to move over. All he is doing is not letting you get on with your life. The whole I want you I don't want you I don't want anyone else to have you and take my place BS game. Not finding the exact word here.
Hugs, Dont regret what you shared with EMT.
JL
You hit the nail on the head. He's holding a carrot out in front of me. When I get close to it he pulls it further away. But its always there.
Yeah I need to get past the "what if" and move on.
Thanks.
Laurie
We've talked a couple of times on the phone, I was supposed to see him for a bit on Saturday after I had dinner with my friends, but got into an accident. Talked to him a bit on Sunday, too and we are supposed to get in touch tomorrow about the weekend.
I go between wanting to see him because I really did have a good time with him, but also not wanting to see him because the silent/ghost treatment was really mean and kind of weird for a 47 year old, in my opinion. The apology about his bad behavior seemed more sincere than anything my ex ever gave me (an actual admission of bad behavior and not blaming it on ME).
So at this point, I just don't know. If I get in touch tomorrow about the weekend and he doesn't want to get together, I can't decide if I would be disappointed or even care! Very, very odd feeling.
loony,
I think I am due to watch Independence Day! I could use a few hotties to look at right now.
While you were sleeping is one of my favorite movies of all time. Comes in second to Master and Commander.
I was watching Olympic mens volleyball with EMT and had a tough time not commenting on all the hot guys.
Laurie
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