Is it just me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Is it just me?
13
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:25am

I have started wondering if I am as "perfect" or "wonderful" as some guys tell me I am. lol I don't do anything special, I am myself and don't put on an act, and I speak my mind about what I want and don't want. For some reason, after one or two dates, guys want to go exclusive because I am such a great person and they want to be there for me and do for me, etc.

Now I'm not telling y'all this because I think highly of myself, it's quite the opposite. I just don't understand why they do this in the beginning! It really scares me!

For example, the ex-cop came into town Sat night and spent the night. No sex but we did fool around a bit and we had a good time. I cooked dinner. The thing that bothered me was that he kept TELLING me what I needed and that he would provide it for me. He is a very caring and thoughtful person but I don't like people telling me what I need or don't need. Maybe that is the independence coming out in me. He wrote me an email Sun night (last night) and it kind of freaks me out. Here it is below and keep in mind that we have gone out on 3 dates and have talked on the phone/email....

"Hello,
I just wanted to tell you I had a great time with you this weekend and I hope to do it again soon. I want to ensure you that my mind and heart are with you and that you have no worries to be concerned about when it comes to anything. I heard you say so many guys are after one thing and when they get that one thing the move on. I don't know how anyone could ever be that way with you. You are such a great person I don't know how they could be that way. I told you we went to bed around 1am and you fell asleep and I sat there and just looked at you for the longest time. You looked so peaceful sleeping there and you look like a little angel. ( even though I know your not ) IoI I told you the other night when we watched the fireworks the ever lasting thing that stuck in my head was the wind blowing through your hair. Last night the thing that stuck in my head was the peaceful look you had on your face. I just enjoy spending time with you no matter what that time consists of from sitting on the couch holding each other to just talking. You are a great person who has a heart of gold and that is what I like about you. All the other things are just additives. I know you need your space and time for your school work and that I will ensure you will happen. I don't want to do to much to fast IoI like that has been happening. I just want you to know I am there for you and will always be there for you. Trust in me I will never let you down, what you see is what you get with no hidden suprises or lies. Well enough said for today I will talk to you later bye....... I hope you have a great week with your son and you have alot of fun."

Am I just ungrateful? lol What he wrote is great and like I said, he is a very caring and loving person and has old school values BUT he is already considering what we have as exclusive. He has told all of his friends and family about me and they have told him that he has got it bad. My stomach is in knots!

Any advice or just thoughts to share would be GREATLY appreciated!

Jennifer (who wonders how she gets herself into these situations and if she's ungrateful)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:30am
I think that is the sweetest note!! How do you feel about him? I think it is normal for a guy to be "that into you" when he is - and this one sounds like he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:55am

It is sweet isn't it. I guess he is so into me that is scares me. There are also little things about him that bother me and I don't know if they are valid reasons to worry or not. He is very upfront about things to the point of being almost rude. I have a feeling that he smokes but doesn't want to tell me. I can't smell it on him but in my experience, even if smokers brush their teeth or use mouthwash, there is still a little bit of a nicotine taste. I know that sounds nasty but I've kissed a guy who smoked but brushed his teeth after he did smoke before he would kiss me. Also, he didn't tell me he had tattoos (which do not bother me) and he asked me if they bothered me. He said that I never asked so he didn't tell me. THAT bothered me because then it makes me think "what else is he NOT telling me because I haven't asked". lol

Another thing is that he is currently separated from his wife. He told me that they hadn't slept in the same room for 9 months and he has been totally separated from her for 3 months now. She is an alcoholic and she left him for another woman. Red flags anyone? lol I am the first person he has dated since the "official" separation.

I voiced my concerns to him about how his kids were going to adjust and how he may go thru some tough times until the divorce was final. He didn't seem too concerned saying that his kids would rather see him happy and their mom happy since the kids realize that mom and dad are happier when they are not together.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm scared of getting hurt or that I will hurt him. He is very touchy feely and I like that but I also like my space...and I have told him this. I don't want to be constantly rubbed in certain places ALL of the time while I'm cooking or washing dishes, etc. which is what he was doing this weekend and told me that this was how he was. I get desensitized by someone doing that all of the time and start feeling like that all they want to have sex. Maybe I'm just crazy. lol

Sorry to go on and on Judy.

Jennifer

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:15am

I ask myself ALL the time how I GET myself into these situations. I have the SAME issue going on with men. It's like you go out with them once and it's like they just won't stop banging on your door sending you notes of love and devotion and then suddenly, POOF,you have one disagreement with them and they are gone. AND ALWAYS the same lines.

Gets tiring. I just want someone that wants to TAKE it slow but also doesn't start spurting love and devotion to me right away. CHILLL OUT.

I say go with your gut and DO NOT ignore the red flags. I tend to do that and in the end it's just as bad or worse then the hunch that I felt. This guy sounds like it's bugging you and though he may be sweet, something in your gut keeps you at bay.

Try to go casual about it and just wait and see what happens. Good LUCK and can't wait to hear the updates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:28am

Jennifer, I swear- if I was in your situation, I would be feeling the EXACT same thing and thinking the same concerns you have! You are NOT freaking out if you find that email he sent, a bit over the top!!! It's only been 3 dates and he's saying all THAT to you?!?? Just how WELL does he think you guys know each other already???

Like many others have said on the board recently- it's like there are guys who are too emotionally unavailable, and then there are guys who are looking to get married after just a couple of dates. I can't trust either type, and I've been with both types!!

I say to enjoy the 'discovering a new person' aspect of the relationship, but keep things in balance (as you seem to be trying to do). It just sucks that it seems like YOU will be doing all the work in slowing things down, as it seems like he has been feeling quite lonely in his separation and divorce process and is ready to pretty much latch on to anyone he falls for. I think he is in that spot that I know many of has been in... when we are finally seeing the light at the end of a long road of loneliness in a marriage and just WANTING some of what we'd been missing for too long. That feeling of being a part of a togetherness and having some companionship again. I can't blame him for wanting that! But he does need to slow down and make sure he doesn't just dive in too quickly. (I have a BTDT shirt for that, too)

I get the feeling he is a nice man but a bit on the rebound- and he doesn't even realize it at this point- just how 'reboundy' he is. (don't you love my new word!??)

About the smoking aspect... I hear ya on that. NO smoker can ever cover up that lingering smell/taste/air that they get. Especially when they are going to be around a non-smoker who doesn't like the smoke smell/taste!!!! Reminds me of when I dated Marlboro Man- who was determined to quit smoking as he was dating me (because I said I refused to date someone who smoked) and it lasted for awhile. But then he started smoking again when he was away from me... and tried to hide it. But there was NO WAY to hide it! I could smell it and his very breath reeked of it, even if it had been hours since his last puff. It was disgusting!!!! I broke up with him soon after that. ICK! Bleah! Ptuooey! It sounds nasty because it IS nasty.

If it were me personally?? I would suddenly get VERY busy so that he wouldn't be able to see me too much or too often. I don't know if I'd just kick him to the curb just yet, but I would for sure put some brakes on. I think he is barreling ahead a bit too fast and is a bit too 'empty' from his divorce process to actually be dating with a clear head. I wouldn't trust anything he says at this point, even if he really thinks he believes it! I just think he is more in love with the IDEA of being a couple right now- because he misses that aspect of his former life... and he is trying too hard to make a relationship happen with you. He hasn't known you long enough to REALLY mean all that great stuff he said in his email, IMO. Although it's sweet and heartwarming to read... I just think it's too soon for any of it to be truly believed.

You're not crazy, Jen... I think your gut is right on target and it's telling you to be careful for a VERY good reason!!!

~shrimpy, soooo been there- on BOTH sides of the picture

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 4:25pm

Common therapuetic wisdom is not to date until 1 year after the divorce papers are signed. It does not matter how long the separation has been or how long the marriage has been "dead." I have experienced this myself where I know I looked for a woman to be the partner my former spouse never was. Dr. Joy Browne calls this person the emotional band-aid.

I "THOUGHT" I would want this long term, committed relationship with the woman after my marriage ended but in reality I NEEDED to figure things out without having a partner for a while for that is where my growth needed to happen.

Insofar as the touchy feely thing: I was raised in a touch deprived family and my marriage was the same. I find that is something I absolutely crave especially in an intimate relationship. I hug my friends (male and female) and my kids. I would be doing the same (especially in the initial stages of a relationship) "rubbing."

Mark

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 4:30pm

Going slow and going with your gut comments: I agree with taking time getting to know each other for don't most of us remeber our past failed relationships and how things have come out later...? I also know that we sometimes cannot determine the "goodness" of the relationship until we are well into it regardless of the slowness of how it developed.

I am trusting my gut more and more and for me this means that when I meet a woman that I like then I want to just dive in. I have had enough experience with meeting women to know what is a match or not so when I find someone who is I get excited and yes, I sometimes do go overboard like how some of you describe on what is happening in your situations.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 4:54pm

Thanks shrimpy. I'm glad I'm not crazy! lol Although I am very flattered that he feels this way I am also worried that I am not going to live up to his "expectations" and be as giving as he seems to want to be. It will probably help too that he lives an hour away so it won't be like he is right there all of the time.

It's funny that you mentioned being a rebound woman because he said the exact same thing this weekend! lol I told him that I had been one of those before and it was not a good feeling. Of course he told me that I wasn't.

I think I will email him to let him know how I feel. I always seem to write my ideas down instead of verbalizing them. I just need to slow the train down...

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 4:59pm

Hi Mark. Thanks for your male insight. :) I came from a "touchless" marriage but we were always huggy growing up. I don't mind the touching all of the time but when someone wants to rub my breasts, crotch, legs, etc., ALL of the time, it WILL desensitize me. I can see touching hands, hugs, giving a quick kiss or some things along those lines but not "feeling me up" constantly. It is just a turnoff for me. Does that make sense? lol

Jennifer

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jh12
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 9:12pm

I can understand your discomfort about his "feeling up" actions. I would think the same thing, i.e. prelude to sex.

As with any guy, we want sex no matter what words we put around all the other stuff like caring, etc. Not to say we don't mean those words but the desire for sex underlies the motivation for saying those words usually - either consciously or unconsciously.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: jh12
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 2:19am

To be honest, I would NEXT this one.


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