Is It Possible To Just Be Friends?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 09-29-2005 - 10:02pm |
Okay, there's this guy that I've known for about 6 or 7 years. I don't really know all there is to know about him b/c we never really hung around each other a lot. Basically, we have some mutual friends. We've talked before and gone out to dinner, but it was really nothing.
Last Saturday, before my drunken moment with my exbf, I saw "Jake." We chatted a little bit and that was about it. Well...when I got drunk and upset I found him and asked him to drive me to my friends house (where I was going to stay since I had been drinking).
Anyway...the next day he calls me. He always says "Hello Beautiful." He's really nice and we went out to dinner Tuesday night and then he took me to see his horses. I explained to him that I wasn't really looking for a relationship right now that I just wanted a friend. I also explained that if and when I was ready for a relationship that I would have to go VERY slow with things. He said that he understood, esp. since I had been burned a lot in the past and b/c I have a child. He said that it's almost like a screening process.
Well...he's called me everyday since then. I like him as a friend and only a friend. However, he's expressed the fact that he does like me and has had a "crush" on me since the first time he ever met me. That's sweet and all...but that's not what I need or want right now. First, he's really not my type. That may sound mean/harsh, but I don't think you can "go out" with someone that you're not really physically attracted to. Anyway...we are supposed to go riding horses Saturday and he said that he would call me tomorrow. I don't care if he calls, I want to go ride horses, I like talking to him, but I don't want a relationship other than friendship right now.
So, how can I get my point across (which I thought I already had) without hurting his feelings? I don't want to unintentionally lead him on. I'm nice, I talk, I listen, etc., and maybe I'm sending the wrong signals, which I don't think I am, I'm just being myself. I'm not putting on airs or anything...but I just think he wants more. So, is it really possible to just be friends with someone of the opposite sex? (Kinda reminds me of the movie When Harry Met Sally - does the "sex factor" really always play a role in these kind of things?)
Just wondering....
Kait
And...I think it shows something that I'm not actually looking for a relationship right now. Generally, I don't want to be alone and I do want someone involved in my life. I just feel that right now I need to focus on what's the most important, which is my dd and what I need to do to get my life in order.

I think guys and girls can be friends if neither is genuinely interested in the other in a romantic way.
Kait,
Usually if there's a guy/ girl friendship, one of the two likes the other more than just as a friend. And since you KNOW this guy is interested in you, then you have to be VERY clear to him that you're not interested in HIM- don't just blanket that you "don't want to date anyone right now", because if you DO meet a guy you're interested in, you're stuck looking like a bad guy.
I think it's fair for you, the next time he says something about how he likes you, that you say, "look, I really am enjoying your friendship, but I want to be clear to you that I'm not interested in anything more with you."
If he's serious about being your friend then he'll respect your feelings. If not, then you didn't need a friend like that, right?
But do be careful, you're very vulnerable right now- just broke up with a guy, so you'll be easily swooned by flattery and attention.
Alison
I agree with the others. I think you need to set him straight. But you must know that you might lose him as a friend. This happened to me with a guy I knew since 5th grade. We had always been friends and even tried dating. But I am just not attracted to him physically and the more time we spend together the more evident that becomes for me. Otherwise he would be perfect for me "on paper" so to speak.
We haven't seen each other in more than 2 years because I know he has always liked me very much and can't handle me not liking him back. This is more his decision than mine but I don't take it personally.
I think you are in a tough situation now with all of the drama you have had and you need to just get yourself in a good place in life - sans men and all of the drama that comes with dating and relationships.
He drove you home because you were too drunk to drive. I don't know. It's likely that he has another impression of you. That you like to party and get drunk.
With this guy, no, it's not possible to be just friends. He wants to date you. He will think you're leading him on if you see as "friends" only. If you don't want to lead him on, I wouldn't maintain contact.
I know you'll resent this advice, but in the future you should avoid scenarios where you need someone to drive you home because you're too drunk.
This is beside the point, but he didn't drive me home, he drove me to my friend's house that was probably a mile and a half down the road. I know it has no bearing on what was said in your post, but I just felt like I needed to clarify that.
Anyway....I know that I shouldn't have been that drunk, but at least I didn't get behind the wheel, and that should say something!