It's Amazing With The Blink of An Eye
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| Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:14pm |
you finally see the light, it's amazing, when the moment arrives you know you'll be all right, it's amazing, and I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight....
So, WOW! I've had an epiphany, or maybe several, regarding my life, and this might get long, so sorry in advance.
I just don't even know where to begin really. Quitting smoking was something I was trying hard to do, but not having any real success. I would quit for a day or two, and then start again. I've recommitted, and this time I'm even more determined, with a better game plan, and a support system in place. I've gone longer than ever before without smoking, so I'm pleased with my progress so far.
Not only that, but I'm back into a regular excersize routine, which is helping me to not only not smoke, but also not gain weight from not smoking, which was a major reason why I kept going back to smoking. I kept replacing cigarrettes with food, which made me gain weight, which made me mad, so I would smoke to lose weight. Messed up, I know, but it was a vicious cycle I kept falling back into. Excersize has never been my favorite thing to do beyond my standard walking with the girls a few times a week, and dieting is not on my list of things to do this year, so....
Well, I'm a fairly healthy eater, anyhow, until I try to quit smoking. I don't drink soda (in fact, except for a few beers with the girls on occassion, I only ever drink water, and lots of it), try to limit myself to three chocolate type things per week, and I'm a big fruit and veggie person naturally. So, eating mostly right is something I do naturally. So, anyhow, then I try to quit smoking, and it seems like I never stop eating. But not this time. This time, when I want to smoke, I drink water, walk, brush my teeth, wash my hands, do a quick workout if I can, whatever it takes to get through the craving. AND, I'm on the patch. AND, I'm taking Wellbutrin, which has been shown to seriously help. So far, so good. So Seriously good.
But, that's not all of my news. I have also enrolled in college. I'm going back to school part time in the fall semester. I'm nervous and excited and antsy and just... everything. I always said when the Princess went to school, I would go back, and guess what, she goes in September... and so do I! To top it all off, my company just started a tuition reimbursement program, so there's no better time for me to go back.
They also just started a "wellness" program, which really is a fancy term for a gym membership, and the gym they've chosen is a flippin' BEAUTIFUL brand-spankin-new gym right down the road from the office, which will make it VERY convenient for me to stick to this workout program.
I'm pretty busy- my parents, the kids, work, now school, music, my friends, and I've been dating a few guys... I have a lot of ducks, and they're all falling into line, but I don't want, need, or expect anyone but myself to get them straightened out. I am independent and strong, but sometimes I think I can be too strong, too independent- sometimes I wonder if I'm intimidating because I refuse to accept help from anyone- men especially. It's as if I have something to prove and my "I don't NEED a man" mindset is as obvious to everyone as a tattoo on my forehead would be. Maybe accepting a little offered help wouldn't kill me. Maybe.
So, I don't know that I've ever seriously consciously thought about it before, but now I have, and I want to be in a relationship. I'm emotionally ready. I'm not talking marriage, not even anything as serious as living together for a good long while, but a committed, monogamous relationship. But, I also know that I have to stop thinking that I can flit and flirt forever, and a relationship will magically happen, because that's not how it works. I am ready for a relationship, and I want to be in one, but I'm not willing to jump into the first one that presents itself simply to be able to say that I have a boyfriend, because I've seen how disastrous that is. I've felt how disastrous that is. So, I've decided that from now on, no more casual dating for me. I will continue to date, but no more dating guys who are just looking for fun, since I'm not. I am looking for a relationship, and if they're not, then they are not the right guy for me.
So, I guess that's about it, the kids are doing great, the summer's wonderful, and the clarity I suddenly have in my life is almost frightening. I have always mentally known that being happy comes from within, but actually feeling it is so freeing.
Moody- who truly is amazed

Moody, Congrats with quitting smoking and going back to school!
Kira, thanks! For now, I'm going to start with an associates in general business studies, and hopefully be able to narrow it down some when I figure out what I wanna be when I grow up... maybe the real problem is that I don't wanna grow up ;-)
Seriously though, so far, the Wellbutrin is working all right for me, but I'm hoping I won't need to be on it for too long, and the smoking will be all right, but I am using a sample from the doc now, and go back next week to check the dosage, and he may want to change it or change the drug completely. So far, no side effects, so that's good. I call it my happy pill, jokingly, because of the antidepressant, but I honestly think I'm just happier about my life in general, which is why I'm having so much better success with quitting.
That, and I have major plans for that money!
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Moody, this post is so inspiring!! Congrats on all you are doing for you. I love to hear things like this!!!!! I know first hand that it is tough to quit smoking - but it seems that if you can make it through the first week and then each week after that it does get easier. You can do it.
It is great that you are going back to school, too. All good stuff.
Keep us posted - we always love reading your updates. So glad to have you on our board!!
Watch her fly!
Wish I had your willpower!
Be