It's Definitely Not Me
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| Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:09pm |
He wasn't making a lot of sense. He was kind of rambling and he kept saying how bad things were. I told him that all he had to say was that he didn't want to see me any more or talk to me any more, and I'd never bother him again. Of course, he didn't say that. He said it wasn't me. Then he said that he felt he was a good person and that he didn't hurt me in any way. WRONG THING TO SAY. This Irish/German Scorpio let him have it, in a nice way, of course. I said, Excuse me, but you haven't treated me very nice at all lately. I haven't seen you since June, you haven't called me in 3 weeks, you keep breaking dates. That's not being treated nicely." Dead silence on the end of the phone. He had nothing to say.
When I hung up with him, I was so frustrated that I had to call my sister and vent for 1/2 an hour. I felt like a rat in a maze. I'm trying to understand him, but he makes no sense. He won't say what it is that he wants. All he says is that he loves me (which I do believe) but that he's confused. No kidding. I've never seen someone as mixed up as he is. He has a lot of issues that he has to work out, and there's nothing I can do it fix it for him. He has to do that on his own. He lets his problems overwhelm him to the point that he can't function. That's not good. And to be very honest, I don't think I want to deal with something like that. I have enough of my own problems to work out without taking on someone else's. He won't open up to me, he keeps pulling me close than pushing me away. It's definitely him, not me. I wanted to have a chance to talk things out, try to figure out what was going on with us, and that didn't happen. I didn't get a chance to tell him what I want out of this relationship. That's what's frustrating. I'm no closer to knowing where we stand (or where he sees our future going) than I was three weeks ago. I'm in limbo again. Before he hung up, he told me he loved me and that he would call me again. I'm just glad that I had the chance to speak my mind and set him straight about how he was treating me. At least I accomplished that.
I'm frustrated and tired. Are you supposed to have to work this hard at a relationship? I don't get it. If he doesn't know what he wants, how am I supposed to know? I'm not counting on anything from him. I really don't care if he calls me. I really think this is beyond saving. And I'm certainly not going to sit around and wait for him to decide what he wants to do. It's not like I have a line of men waiting at my door, but if by chance someone happens to come along, I'm not going to pass up the opportunity because I'm waiting for Mark to come around. My exh did the same thing when he left me but refused to file for divorce. I eventually had to file just to move on with my life. Why do men do that? That's so unfair to us. It's really too bad. He had a good thing right in front of his face but he couldn't see it.
On a lighter note, when I got home from shopping last night, there was a message on my answering machine from the guy I met at the social who gave me his business card. It was very nice. He said, Hi, this is Paul, I met you last night at the social. I just wanted you to know that I really enjoyed talking to you and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the bunco party on Saturday". I don't know if I want to pursue anything with him right now, but hearing that message put a smile on my face. It's nice to know somone out there thinks I'm a nice person.
Donna

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I personally don't think you should have to work that hard at a relationship. The best way to find a relationship that ISN'T hard work is to not put up with the ones that are hard work. Let it die a natural death, and then find someone who is easy/breezy and let that happen naturally too.
Just MHO...
First of all I can totally sympathize with how you feel - it sucks when they don't call and you hear nothing. And it also stinks to feel left out of intimate details of your SO's life.
But that said, you have to realize that men are very different from us. I urge you to read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. It explains the differences in how men communicate and think - it is different from us.
At any rate, a man ties a lot of his self worth in his ability to work and make a living. What he was going through was something major - to lose a company that you own is one of the hardest things. That is a major drama, in my opinion as a business owner, second only to losing someone you love.
Men are not good at communicating their problems or admitting something is wrong and especially with something like this. Men don't vent their problems - they take time away to internalize them. Whereas we women vent and work together like the home improvement committee to help each other.
Instead of you guessing something like this was wrong, you thought he was talking to his ex. I can see how that would happen.
For now I think you should call him back and say that you are sorry for passing a disrepectful judgement on his communication skills and you are sorry to hear what he went through. But you were worried about his ex and felt bad that he didn't call you for three weeks.
Then you can take it from there. I know you are upset - but I don't think you should throw him away based on this - it is so hard to find someone good whom you like.
I hope you don't find this insulting. It is just that I can truly see both sides and don't want you to make a rash decision.
He is upset and NEEDS your kindness and understanding.
I agree with what you are saying, and I didn't mean to seem insensitive to his work situation. I know it is a lot for him to handle right now. But the thing is, I can't know what's wrong if he doesn't tell me. I can't read minds. I even told him that he should have called me. I have always been supportive in the past. I'm a great listener, even if I don't always know what to say. I want to be there for him, but I can't force him to communicate with me. Believe me, I don't want to give up, but I'm very frustrated. It's just hard for me to know whether he really means what he says or he is just saying what I want to hear to jerk my chain and keep me on the sidelines. I had this happen to me in the past. I believed everything that my BF said, and when our relationship was over and done with, his new love told me it was all a lie -- he never meant anything he said. Fool me once, shame on you -- fool me twice, shame on me. Yes, I have a bit of an issue with that. I'm trying to give Mark the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to be taken in the end either. It's a fine line to walk. I told him I was sorry for his work problems. I also told him that I was worried about him when I didn't hear from him in 3 weeks. Yes, being an Irish/German Scorpio is a volatile mix -- but only if you mess with me. Otherwise, I'm a very nice, sensitive and caring person. I've always given 110 percent to every relationship I was in, but somehow, I always came up with the short end of the stick.
I'm not insulted at all, and I appreciate everyone's input. That's why I post. I'm not sure what to do, and I'm not sure what to make of how he is acting. Because I am a bit high-strung, I tend to over-exaggerate, and I have been told that I am overly sensitive. That's why I like to get the point of view of someone on the outside, who can see both sides, and see if maybe I need to take it down a notch. If I didn't like this guy, I would have filed him in the circular file 3 weeks ago. But I do care for him very much. It's never been my style to quit a relationship when things get tough. Just the opposite -- I tend to hang on even when there's no hope. That's also a fine line -- when to keep trying and when to give up.
Thanks for the input on how men communicate and the importance of their job. Maybe I have been a bit insensitive, but like I said, I just found all this out last night. I didn't know this 3 weeks ago. I just thought he was ending our relationship without saying the words. I guess I interpreted things the wrong way.
In any event, I'm still confused. I proably should call and tell him that he can have my support if he needs it, and if he just needs space, he can have that too. I have never wanted to be pushy or overbearing. That's why I wasn't calling him. I figured when he was ready to talk, he would call me. I just don't want to seem desperate, because I'm not. I'd rather have no one than someone who does not treat me well. I've played this whole thing pretty cool, with a sit-back-and-wait attitude (which is so unlike me). I think I'll just continue to do that, but at the same time, keep my options open.
Donna
((((Donna))))
No doubt about it, this guy is MESSED up. And I am very glad to hear that you kindly but firmly told him how it was.
My personal thoughts on this are that you need to let him go. You can't fix him or help him. He has to do that himself and get help from a source that he won't shipwreck in the process. I know you don't want to feel you've wasted time on him. I know you don't want to just "let it go" and feel like you've nothing to show, but I just don't see that this relationship with Mark is EVER going to be what you're looking for. No, you really shouldn't have to constantly work this hard at a relationship. Hard work has it's times, for sure, but I don't see much balance here.
but if by chance someone happens to come along, I'm not going to pass up the opportunity because I'm waiting for Mark to come around....This is VERY good news. I think that's the attitude you need to keep. And honestly, I wouldn't waste another moment on Mark. He's not capable of anything but an unhealthy relationship at the moment.
I am glad that the message on your machine was the ego boost you needed! Sometimes those are the little things it takes to let us know we're wonderful attractive and desirable women and we don't NEED to hang onto less that what we are looking for! Have a great time Sat!!!
I think you do need to open up the lines of communication with him in a different way. I do agree about the men are from mars post, and that men do things differently. BUT he could have also thought that maybe you would worry about him if he didn't call for a while. So I think you need to sit him down and lay out the foundation of what you need and expect from him/ you. That way if this sort of thing happens again, he can just call you up and say, "I'm having a hard day, I'll talk to you when I've dealt with it."
Honesty is always the best in these types of situations.
On the other hand, you must let us know about this other guy!
Alison
West, while I agree with some points on this, I personally would STILL be unwilling to keep working with a man who has "set me aside" since JUNE! I understand that he has some problems right now. But he hasn't been leaning on Donna. He's pushed her away and obviously has some problems. Would you seriously be willing to keep on "plugging away" with that kind of relationship?
I can speak from experience, because my J was horribly depressed when we were dating. He hit a very bad spell about 5 months in, and I kept debating about whether or not it was worth still pursuing this man. I carried him (he knows and agrees with this statement) for the better part of a year. Through his depression, and kicking some bad habits, and coming back to a faith that he'd set aside and a death of a close loved one. It was constantly one thing after another. BUT, the reason I stuck it out (thank God I did) is because he never ever pushed me away from him or left me out of his life or made me feel "expendable". I never questioned what I meant to him. I couldn't have. That was the only reason I could stay. And I knew he loved me because he stuck it out WITH me. It was hard hard work. But only for a season, and we still did have a relationship.
Yes, it's natural for some guys to "cave" in times of trauma/difficulty. I can't be with a "caver". Especially not one who cuts off communication for 3 weeks! For me, personally, my relationship can't be THAT difficult. I would take that personally, I know I would, and it wouldn't be healthy for me, at all. I couldn't deal. Wouldn't even WANT to deal. And I'm not all that willing to "be there" for someone who doesn't care that I'm there, doesn't notice that I'm there, who is way too busy hiding in his cave. I got better things to do, thanks.
There are others. Enjoy the happy message on your answering machine, enjoy bunco Saturday night (I'm jealous - I LOVE Bunco!), focus on yourself and move on.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I think it's a sign of what it would be to be with him and that's not good. Men in caves come out for air if they want to KEEP a woman around. They at least peek out and give you a hug.
Trav is under MUCH worse and more dangerous conditions, thousands of miles away! and he's never be out of touch with me for 3 weeks. He's interested in showing me he cares, even though it's damned near impossible sometimes for him to keep in touch.
Trav is a Scorpio, too...and I've never met anyone more honest or sweet.
GO SCORPS!
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