It's Definitely Not Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
It's Definitely Not Me
16
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:09pm
Mark called me last night. He did exactly what I thought he would do -- act like nothing was wrong -- like we just talked yesterday -- and everything was normal. That makes me nuts. He told me that it was good to hear my voice and that he missed talking to me. I aked him why he disappeared for almost three weeks. I knew from the last time I spoke to him that he was having problems with his family and at work, but I didn't know the details. He told me that his company was going under, that he was the only one left in his office, and that all his paychecks have been bouncing. So when he got done telling me his story, I told him that I will never know what's wrong unless he tells me, and that he could have called me up any time to talk or just vent if he needed to. So now I understand the reason for his mood change. I do understand that what he was going through was traumatic, but I don't think isolating yourself is a good way to handle it. Maybe I'm just overly-sensitive right now, but I feel that what kind of a relationship could we have if he doesn't feel comfortable discussing things with me and runs away from me when he has to deal with problems. If we are going to have a relationship, he should be able to lean on me when things are rough, not run away. Maybe I'm wrong about that point. I'd love to hear your input on that.

He wasn't making a lot of sense. He was kind of rambling and he kept saying how bad things were. I told him that all he had to say was that he didn't want to see me any more or talk to me any more, and I'd never bother him again. Of course, he didn't say that. He said it wasn't me. Then he said that he felt he was a good person and that he didn't hurt me in any way. WRONG THING TO SAY. This Irish/German Scorpio let him have it, in a nice way, of course. I said, Excuse me, but you haven't treated me very nice at all lately. I haven't seen you since June, you haven't called me in 3 weeks, you keep breaking dates. That's not being treated nicely." Dead silence on the end of the phone. He had nothing to say.

When I hung up with him, I was so frustrated that I had to call my sister and vent for 1/2 an hour. I felt like a rat in a maze. I'm trying to understand him, but he makes no sense. He won't say what it is that he wants. All he says is that he loves me (which I do believe) but that he's confused. No kidding. I've never seen someone as mixed up as he is. He has a lot of issues that he has to work out, and there's nothing I can do it fix it for him. He has to do that on his own. He lets his problems overwhelm him to the point that he can't function. That's not good. And to be very honest, I don't think I want to deal with something like that. I have enough of my own problems to work out without taking on someone else's. He won't open up to me, he keeps pulling me close than pushing me away. It's definitely him, not me. I wanted to have a chance to talk things out, try to figure out what was going on with us, and that didn't happen. I didn't get a chance to tell him what I want out of this relationship. That's what's frustrating. I'm no closer to knowing where we stand (or where he sees our future going) than I was three weeks ago. I'm in limbo again. Before he hung up, he told me he loved me and that he would call me again. I'm just glad that I had the chance to speak my mind and set him straight about how he was treating me. At least I accomplished that.

I'm frustrated and tired. Are you supposed to have to work this hard at a relationship? I don't get it. If he doesn't know what he wants, how am I supposed to know? I'm not counting on anything from him. I really don't care if he calls me. I really think this is beyond saving. And I'm certainly not going to sit around and wait for him to decide what he wants to do. It's not like I have a line of men waiting at my door, but if by chance someone happens to come along, I'm not going to pass up the opportunity because I'm waiting for Mark to come around. My exh did the same thing when he left me but refused to file for divorce. I eventually had to file just to move on with my life. Why do men do that? That's so unfair to us. It's really too bad. He had a good thing right in front of his face but he couldn't see it.

On a lighter note, when I got home from shopping last night, there was a message on my answering machine from the guy I met at the social who gave me his business card. It was very nice. He said, Hi, this is Paul, I met you last night at the social. I just wanted you to know that I really enjoyed talking to you and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the bunco party on Saturday". I don't know if I want to pursue anything with him right now, but hearing that message put a smile on my face. It's nice to know somone out there thinks I'm a nice person.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 5:30pm
Alison:

I agree with you about what you said about sitting down with Mark and telling him what I need/expect. I've tried. I tried to last night, and 3 weeks ago. But both of those times that we talked, he was so traumatized and so not-making sense, that I know he wasn't listening to me, so I didn't bother to get into it with him. I have a few things on my mind, and I really want the opportunity to talk to him -- but not at 10:30 p.m. when he's tired, or after a traumatic day, or after a few cocktails. I need him somewhat coherent, sober and rational or I'll just be talking into the wind. I'd love to do it face-to-face, but he keeps cancelling dates. I almost think he knows the "big talk" is coming, that's why he's avoiding me, but I could be wrong on that. Maybe his problems are just overwhelming him and he can't focus on anything else. Three weeks ago I suggested a night out together so that we could both have fun and get out mind off of our troubles (this was right after my cousin died). We never did go out. I want nothing more than to talk to him seriously, I just don't know how to get that accomplished right now.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 5:33pm
Not coherent sounds more like drunk than traumatized. I'd be REALLY leery of that particular kind of "sadness"...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:55pm
I agree that you should call him and tell him you will support him and are sorry for what he went through.

The big question - is this a one-time-only-under-extreme-duress problem? Or ongoing with all trivial day to day matters. A business getting in trouble is extreme duress - very stressful- especially when you have employees that depend on you.

Only time will tell and you have to follow your gut feeling on what is BEST FOR YOU. Only you will know the answer to that.

One thing is for sure - I think you can see how you need to expand your social circle and not depend on him for so much of that. You have had a good start.

Take it slow now and see what unfolds. Time will always tell you what to do.

I would like to point this out to you:

"He told me that it was good to hear my voice and that he missed talking to me." That was your "gift" - and by that - I mean that after all he had been through - and your time apart - that he really missed you and had feelings for you.

I have had time since this posting last night (and hence the edit) to think about this and I want to tell you not to throw this away if this is the only bumpity bump. It is not easy to find a good guy and you have no idea if the guy who left the message is really any better. A good relationship is worth the work and it takes time to smooth the wrinkles.

Sure, you were put through some pain, partly because you created a story in your head of your worst fear. But you must have control and self esteem - this you would have through a better social circle and letting go of past hurts. You have every right to express your feelings but you should not make him feel bad for what he has gone through. He needs your support. Men don't always ask for help - or directions!!

Good luck and keep us posted. We are always here for you!!




Edited 8/27/2004 10:03 am ET ET by west1745

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:41am

Hi Donna, here are my two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:35pm
Thanks to everyone who responded. I really appreciate your input.

When I was on the train going home, I thought about what West wrote yesterday. I called him last night, but he wasn't home. I just left a brief message saying that I was sorry about his work problems and that he could call me if he needed to. I felt like I should extend the olive branch, and I did that. Now I feel that the ball is in his court, whether he wants to grab the branch or not. I have four sisters and no brothers. My dad raised 5 girls. One thing I remember him always telling us was to never chase boys. He didn't even like us calling boys. He wanted them to pursue us. Dad and I never saw eye to eye much, but I think he's right on this one. I can't make someone want to be with me. I tried, the rest is up to him.

As for me, I don't expect much from Mark in light of his past behavior. If me and him are meant to be, only time will tell that. So, I'm just going to go on living my life. Extending my circle of friends is an excellent idea, and I'm trying to do just that. At the very least, I have a fun evening planned for tomorrow night, and I won't be sitting at home alone. Gotta like that. Everyone have a great weekend.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:40pm
I totally agree with this post. You did very good.

Let us know what happens on Saturday - you do deserve to be busy and not sitting home alone.

You have done your very best - now time will see what is in store with you.

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