it's like jumpin, it's like leapin'
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 4:26pm |
it's like walkin on the ceiling, it's like floating, it's like flying through the air, it's like soaring, it's like gliding, it's a rocket ship you're riding, it's a feeling that can take you anywhere, so why they call it falling, why they call it falling, why they call it falling I don't know....
I don't even know where to start. About two weeks ago, as I'm getting ready to tell myself that dating is off limits for a few weeks, I met a man through Match that I'm simply going to call J. I can't think of any witty or clever names for this one, but he is- both witty and clever.
We begin IMing, and I know better than to put much stock in the flavor of those conversations. You won't believe the things we have in common- we share a birthday, we have the same job description, and HOLY COW the sense of humor is EXACTLY the same.
So, after a couple of days we progress to the phone, and all is well. The connection is even more apparent on the phone. Having only seen a Match picture, I don't fully know what he looks like, but I was so intrigued by his personality it didn't matter much.
Last night we stayed up all night- literally, talking on the phone. The conversation never lulled, and we made each other laugh with our mutual sarcasm- he's EXACTLY the type of personality I need. He's funny and smart, gives back to his community, handy, has a wonderful dog that he loves, and lives in the town next to mine. J is divorced, no kids, 34, drives a big honkin' pickup truck, and absolutely is a male version of myself in many ways. We have a LOT in common, and our differences are things we joke about instead of getting frustrated with.
Today he had the day off from work and came to visit me, very impromptu, at work. We had talked earlier, he asked if it was okay, and I agreed that it would be, but that since I was the only one here I wouldn't be able to leave my desk for very long. I was nervous, since as you all know, I tend to have great connections with people initially, and really, I wanted to enjoy this fun, tingly, squishy feeling a while longer before he ran off. I also had no sleep last night, and am feeling a little punchy.
So, he comes, I meet him outside, and he's SO good looking. Taller than me in my tall shoes while I was standing on a curb and he was on the pavement in the parking lot. We chatted for a minute, not nearly as awkward as I was worried about. His picture did not do him justice, and I only hope he was as attracted to me as I am to him.
We had made mention of meeting Saturday night, when he was here I invited him in to have a cup of coffee, and after a minute I jokingly said "So, have you decided to scratch Saturday and never speak to me again?" He said, "No, not at all, this was definitely worth the drive."
SO, after a little bit, he leaves, and I come back inside to find a single rose on my desk. How perfectly sweet, charming, and disarming.
Now, I'm scared to death. With Spec, with Boss, with every other guy I've ever known, I liked them, they seemed to like me, and we had some things in common. Often we made each other laugh and had fun together, but I have honestly never felt like I was talking to someone who could be me, only male. I also never realized exactly what that "it" was I was looking for- until I realized during our first phone conversation that I may have found it. Having met him in person, I worry now that he won't find me as attractive as I find him, that he isn't as into me as I am him, and that I wasn't what he was expecting.
I am wowed. I have been in like, in lust, and nearly infatuated fairly recently, but I can honestly say I've never felt like this. Ever. I'm petrified. It's a good thing, mostly, since now I completely understand why people continue to date. IF he is gone forever, I will enjoy the fact that I had a great time the past couple of weeks, getting to know him, and take comfort in knowing there ARE men out there with exactly the personality and character traits I am looking for. If there's one, there's bound to be others.
I am really viewing my recent dating habits as a staircase. If we start with the first guy, he had some things I found attractive and many I found annoying. Then there was Boss who had many qualities I lacked, but even as I was realizing he probably wans't right for me long term, he disappeared. Then there were several other guys, same thing. Spec had more of what I was looking for, but not quite everything. Each man in my recent history has been a step closer to being exactly what I was looking for, and from all appearances, J is that guy. I hope I'm that girl for him.
I know not to put too much stock into it, and obviously I have had wonderful rapport with men and never heard from them again. I haven't ever felt schoolgirlish and nervous and tingly and excited and willing to lose sleep for a guy and so.... charmed by one in, well, ever. Squishy is a good, good thing.
Moody, scared and nervous and happy and giddy and calm and serene and... emoting

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I totally get what you mean. We spend all our time & energy (well, not ALL- lol) on looking for a good partner and finding so many near-misses (or total misses) that we kind of get used to it. There is always something wrong or not right or some flag...
But then someone that actually FITS shows up. And there are NO flags. And no weird things that are deal-breakers. And all of a sudden it's scary to realize that THIS is in your hands and you might actually have to commit to something!!! And it might actually be something that can make you vulnerable again. Something that might make you hurt just because you love so much that your heart swells. And suddenly it's not that "safe" zone that we've come to know- where you have fun with dating, but not *really* being vulnerable in that deep way. Suddenly it's something BIG. And that's scary!
I was pretty freaked when I started seeing Hiker, and realized that I couldn't just "play" with him... because he did actually fit the bill. He checked off all the must-haves and had the character and qualities I really wanted in a partner, not just someone I could have fun with for awhile. He wa someone I could have fun with as well as deal with bad stuff with... and it was just different.
I really am excited for you, and it's neat when you don't find those old hesitations getting in the way. Yay for you!
~shrimpy, who took maybe 3 hrs to catch up on the board last night- whew!
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Moody,
I'm so very very happy for you! Continue to enjoy this feeling!
I know exactly how you feel - because I'm in very much teh same situation (as I have posted) - again, after several "misses" and one pure loser that destroyed my life for years, I feel like I can breathe and relax for once.
I mentioned to a friend that I thought I was getting a little ambivalent about the whole thing - basically because I was feeling rather even-keeled. She mentioned (and I realize, she's right) that it wasn't ambivalence - it was a LACK of stress and anxiety - it wasn't that I didn't CARE whether or not he'd call - it's that I knew he WOULD...when for years, I've been in the anxious "will he /won't he/why hasn't he" mode.
Enjoy this, and enjoy each other, and let's stop waiting for that "other shoe" for a while (let's face it - we can either enjoy now, and be disappointed when the shoe DOES drop, or we can be anxious and nervous now - and be disappointed when the shoe drops).
Mamarose (who is actually starting to believe both shoes may stay airborne :).)
Yay MamaRose!!! Let's hear it for keeping all the shoes up in the air!
(LOL to have it put that way, but I like it!)
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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This is exactly it. Exactly. I just read a book called "Kiss and Run", which deals entirely with women's commitment issues. I realize I have some (ok, a lot), and have found ways to work through them.
That combined with the lack of flags is scaring the crap outta me. It's a good scared, but I'm so accustomed to feeling happy about someone, yet having a BUT thrown in when I talk about him. "I like him, BUT he lives too far away" or "..but he wants more kids", or "but he has totally different life goals from me", or "but our lifestyles wouldn't never be compatible long term"... not having that BUT statement is making me nervous in the best possible way.
Moody, not looking for the BUT
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Thank you! I am working very hard on not looking or waiting for that second shoe with J. I am enjoying this feeling, but the wonderful thing is that I have been working on ME, too, during all of this, and have realized some things I needed to change to make myself happy. Doing that has made it possible for me to recognize the things about each of my last flings I liked, things I wasn't crazy about, and things I couldn't live with.
Also, concentrating on me during all of this has made me see that I don't NEED to be involved, or in a relationship, or partnered up to be happy. I can be fully satisfied by myself, which makes any relationship I do enter into even better, since I WANT to be there, rather than feeling like I need to.
Moody, pulling both shoes off and running barefoot
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I like what you write here Moody!! And it is all sounding so good - you have come a long way and you have put up with a lot of frogs for sure. Maybe what Taina says is true - your past experiences have prepared you for this. And to think you see so many good things and no flags and that he feels the same way. That is great stuff.
WOOHOO!!
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