It's not a question,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
It's not a question,
20
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 2:20pm

but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life... for what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.

I had a date last night. I haven't posted much at all about this guy, since he's one of many from OLD, and honestly, I didn't think it would ever become anything. I'll call him Spec.

So, he's 30, never married, no children, lives about an hour from me. He owns his home, has a good job, likes animals and children. We've been emailing and IMing for about two weeks, and talking on the phone for about a week and a half.

Our phone conversations are always pretty basic, fairly short, and friendly. The IMs are pretty much more of the same. We established that we both want to be in commmitted relationships, enjoy some of the same hobbies and each have said independently that we'd like to take up other hobbies- for instance, I ski, and he said he'd like to try- before he knew I did. He golfs, and it's something I'm planning to take up casually this year. He bowls on a league, and I enjoy bowling (although I'm terrible at it)... little things like that.

So, last night, we agreed to meet for dinner about halfway between us, in a completely unfamiliar city to me. He offered to come closer, or give me directions, but I wasn't too worried about it, Mapquested the directions, and headed out.

While prepping for the date, I remember thinking I should just wear something comfortable, since it didn't really matter what he thought about me, and instead of being nervous about ME likking him, I was more concerned with how to get out of it if I didn't like HIM.

On the way, I called my girlfriend, told her to standby in case it was awful, and made her give me a pep talk about keeping an open mind and having fun. I'm so glad I did.

Okay, so I got lost on the way, he called, and ended up having his brother in law, who is much more familiar with the area, call me and give me directions. I got there, we had a wonderufl dinner (country fried chicken, baked potato and salad for me, sirloin tips, rice and mashed potatoes for him). We talked, laughed, discussed our Reader's Digest Condensed Version Life Stories, and were getting along swimmingly.

Things I really liked about him initially- his pic was up to date, but he looked better in person, he was taller than me in my tall shoes (always a concern when you're 5'9" barefoot), he smelled great, complimented my appearance, and smiled immediately.

So, while planning the date, we had agreed that if things went well, we'd go to a local bar that I actually wanted to preview for my upcoming birthday bash. However, the band there didn't start until 9, so he had mentioned meeting his sister and her husband for a couple of games of bowling before going to the bar. I had agreed at that point, because I simply did not think dinner would go that well.

Let me take a moment to interject that our conversations were always fine, the emails and IMs were always fine... I guess I thought he was too young for me, and that coupled with the lack of children, I just assumed would make for two VERY different lifestyles. But, hey, I gotta eat, so I was willing to meet him for dinner and see "what if"... just not with a very open mind, I guess.

So, we had a great time at dinner, and ended up meeting up with his sister and brother-in-law for bowling. And the brother-in-law's sister. And her husband. And three of his cousins, two of the brother in law's cousins, and two of Spec's cousins. If I got that right. Anyhow, nothing like trial by fire, and it was obvious that with all of the cousins and brothers and sisters and what have you, that he was not only close to his family, but also to his so-far-removed-they-aren't-even-family family.

What a great, welcoming, open bunch they were! I was basically the only person there who doesn't bowl on a league... the average score was something like 250. Mine might have been 50. But I think the fact that I was able to have a good time, make jokes about using the bumpers, and make conversation with nearly everyone was a good thing in Spec's eyes, and in the family's. As we were leaving, the brother in law invited us back to their house for a small party- about half the people who had been bowling were going.

I joked as we walked out to his truck (Oh, how I love men with trucks!) that I must have passed the first test, if I got an invite so quickly. Spec laughed, and said "You more than passed. I think my sister's planning the wedding- she really likes you." Very jokingly, not at all alarming. We get in his truck, and while we're waiting for it to warm up, we discuss the pros and cons of either going to the bar, as per our original plan, or going to the party. The party seemed like more fun for me, and it was actually closer to my house, and I knew it wouldn't be loud, so we'd be able to talk, so that's what we agreed on.

As he was getting ready to leave the parking lot, he turns to me and says, "I have been dying to ask you- do you kiss on the first date?" You all know how I am about my own rules, so I said, "well, I guess that depends on how the date is going." Meanwhile, we're both inching closer to one another, and Spec says "and how do you think the date is going?" still getting closer and closer to one another, I say "well. very, very well." So, we don't kiss. Kidding, we do, and it's amazing.

I guess I didn't realize that I'd been kissing bad kissers until he kissed me, since it was the single best kiss I've ever had. Without a doubt.

So, I follow him to his sister's house, he waits for me to park my car, opens my door, very very sweet, we're ushered in, and they have the most adorable dog I have ever seen in my life. He's an Akita, and when I walked in, he jumped up on me, to say hello. I love dogs, I have an affinity for bigger dogs, and I simply fell in love. He was such a sweetheart- of course everyone is telling him to get down, apologizing and promising me he won't bite and just wants to say hello, but I'm so busy loving him that all I can do laugh and pet and hug and welcome the slobbery doggy kisses. Maybe the second best kiss in my life, haha.

So, we hang out, I end up talking to Spec's sister some more while the guys play a couple of games, Spec is very courteous and sweet and just obviously trying to make sure I'm having a good time, which of course I was. After a while, the party sort of scatters, some people are upstairs, some in the basement rec room, and Spec and I are sort of left alone. This brings on much more kissing, talking about what we want from life and each other (potentially) and whathaveyou.

At one point, the decision is made that everyone's staying, since we've all been drinking, and Spec and I joke about who gets the guest room. There are about 4 couches in the house, and two guest rooms, so it isn't like there wasn't plenty of places for everyone to crash, so it was funny and cute, and non-threatening.

Then we kiss some more, and then there's heavy petting involved (a term my girlfriend hates, but there it is), and then more conversation. He asked me what I thought when I first saw him, and I tell him that I thought he had a great smile. He tells me his first thoughts were that I was cute. At one point, when we were driving back to my car to go to the party, he had said "I'd really like for there to be a second date. And a third, and ten more, and thirty more. I'm not really good at playing this game, so I'm just going to tell you that I like you, and I want to know more. I'm very interested in you, and when I'm getting to know someone I simply don't want to get to know anyone else."

So, at his sister's house, he says "I am not asking for any promises, but I really like you, and I really want to see where this will go. I simply am having an amazing time with you, and would like to do this a lot more."

.... we end up sharing one of the guest rooms, but I'm very proud of myself to report that there was snuggling, kissing, and NO SEX!!! He was super cool about not pushing- amazingly, and thinkfully, since it wouldn't have taken much for my resolution to NOT have sex with him to crumble, but made it obvious that he was into me physically. So, we talked a LOT, about my concerns that he had no children, and probably led a different lifestyle than mine. He claims he loves kids (although I did make it clear that mine weren't rent-a-kids, and wouldn't be meeting him until I was comfortable with it), and his lifestyle doesn't actually seem to be much different than mine, so we agreed to see where it goes. Again, he basically said without saying it that he only dated one woman at a time, but wasn't asking for the same thing from me.

This morning when I got up to leave, I tried to not wake him, since it was early and we'd been up talking (just talking and kissing- I swear!) until the wee hours of the morning. He woke up though, joked that I was walking out of his life (it was cute and funny, but I can't remember exactly what he said), I replied that he had my number, we kissed a little, he said he'd call, and I left.

Letting myself out of the house, I distinctly remember think a few different things. It wasn't at all walk-of-shame-ish, his family (who are also his friends) was wonderful, he had been great, the date had gone well, and please, Lord, let him be the guy who does what he says he will.

Now, I know the cynics here (and the one in my head) are saying...eh. maybe. I've certainly been down this road before, where I thought there was a great connnection, had a great time, and then nothing. I'd love to be able to simply believe that he's different, but I won't know that until he proves to me that he is. In fact at one point when he was saying something about the next thirty dates, I said... "it sounds wonderful. let's get to the second date and see if we still feel that way." His reply was "I know I'll have to SHOW you to prove it to you, but I feel like verbal communication is important, too, and I don't know if I could NOT tell you right now." The cynic hasn't left yet though, and that's either a wonderfully sweet thought process or a corny cheesy line. Right now I know that I had a great time with him, with his family, and if that's all there is, well, it wasn't a waste of time.

Obviously somewhere I have been infused with logical thinking, since instead of jumping for joy and planning my future with Spec, I'm planning on never hearing from him again- yet still happy that I had a great time last night. If he calls, it will be a wonderful surprise, but given my very recent history, he's probably never going to be heard from again.

The hopeless romantic in me is telling me to stop thinking so negatively, that all men aren't cut out of the same cloth, and that the fact that he was so open about his family, who are obviously VERY important to him is a good sign. In fact, I guess I am only one of a select few to have EVER met his family. His last relationship ended in October, and they had some other issues, but the big thing for him was that she was completely unwilling to spend any time with his family. The romantic in me is also telling me that there was a definite connection- beyond just the obvious physical one... but the cynic says "oh, yeah, just like the connection with Boss, with Double D, with all of the other guys for the past year, right?" It's like watching a tennis match in my head right now.

So, anyhow, I know I'll get opinions, and I want them! I also know that I've been through men on a relatively regular basis lately. I'm not putting all of my eggs into his basket just yet, but I'm trying very hard not to be too cynical, as well. I'm expecting that last night was probably just a great date, but hopeful that it was the start of something more.

A couple of other things, then I'll stop this saga- I learned from this to be open minded. He isn't at all my normal physical type. Not that I really stick to that, but I'm typically drawn to the guys who are dark, tall, a little weathered, and sort of have an edge... good ole boys who have aged and look it. He's still about 5 years older than me, but I often am most attracted to men who are 20 years older than I am. He's also fair, has a very well groomed goatee, and thin- not so thin that I want to shove a sandwich down his throat, but more in shape than my usual type. If nothing comes of this, I'll be glad I forced myself to think openly about him, since I ended up having a wonderful time with interesting people.

Moody, who is a candidate for carpal tunnel syndrome after this post!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 3:29pm

Yay for you, for having a great date!

It was a bit of a "trial by fire" to meet so many family members on a first date, huh?!?? Risky for sure- but he must've felt good about you to have done that! If things weren't looking good from his point of view, I know he wouldn't have invited to you join up with his family for fun times. He would've DITCHED you and THEN joined up with his family for some fun, to save his evening.

You think so much like me, Moody- that I don't have anything to add for analysis purposes, because you said it all yourself! Just take it slow, give it a chance, and see where it goes (just like you said). I also hope that he will be someone who does as he says- and will call soon to set up another date.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 3:29pm

Moody - what a refreshing story! I mean wow - like what a great first date, too. I like everything you write about him - that you have some of the same things in common, that he wants more dates, that you got to meet his family and things went well.

Time will tell. YOu knew I would write that. But it is always the case. I am hoping time tells us that he will call and call for more. And that we will get more stories!

I think it is great that you have stayed dating through all of the mismatches and disappointments. And wouldn't it be great if it turns out and we all say you just have to keep trying and not give up hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 3:35pm

LOVE IT! Oh, just enjoy whatever it was and if there is more, and Lord I'm rooting for you to get more, then take your time, and have fun. And I really have to laugh because if Spec were 15 years OLDER he'd be MY dream date. I totally am drawn to the tall, fair, lanky type.

Everyone is different, but I really can't understand someone your age being attracted to guys my age. I never have understood that, but I'm very peer oriented and have never dated anyone more than 1 year younger or 3 years older. I just can't see having much in common with a guy in his 60's. Plus, I wouldn't want to fall for someone who isn't going to be around when I'm in my 60's because he died of old age. But I'm not you. So I will say this guy is older than you, significantly so- 5 years is a big jump. So I'm hoping you find out that a guy closer to your own age is a whole lot of fun, too. The issue of his not having children of his own and you not wanting any more is a big hurdle. But right now, have fun while you see if it pans out into having to worry about that issue.

I'm glad you are being matter of fact, the flaky factor is so unpredictable and I don't think it's cynical to keep your heart in check until the guy SHOWS he is the real deal. If he does follow through, all the better.

I didn't think M was going to be anything great, just gave him a chance because I was trying to be open and just have fun. He too made it clear from the start that he didn't date more than one woman at a time and wanted more with me, in fact he did say before our first date that he wanted me to give him at least 2 dates before making a decision about him. And he introduced me to his family and friends in much the same way very early on in our relationship.

So I am rooting for this guy to be a younger version of M for you. You deserve to have a guy like that in your life for a while, if not for keeps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 4:48pm

Queen, I think for me it's always been that my friends were my parents' age- literally. I do have young parents, but still... and when I was a teen, I always dated guys my age, but we enevr had anything to talk about. Then after i became a mother, it was patently obvious I'd have nothing in common with guys my age. Now, I don't even see the "hot" guy who's in a frat, instead, I'm more likely checking out his dad. I can't explain it, it simply is.

So, to all the rest of you, and for everyone who hasn't yet read and responded... he called. Spec is coming over soon (I should definitely be cleaning instead of posting, but I HAD to share!!) to hang out, and we're planning on him enjoying his own trial by fire with MY friends this weekend to celebrate my birthday.

Obviously, I'm a compulsive sharer, and you'll all have the details as soon as he leaves tonight.

I'm excited, and not at all nervous. He's a good guy so far, and that so far is what I'm working with. Not thinking too far ahead, enjoying it for what it is, and willing to consider the possibilities.

Also, he got the nod from my most picky, most cautious, most overly protective girlfriend (sort of like my Fivesense and West put together in real life) and I'm simply going to have fun- the CLEAN kind tonight with him.

Details to follow,

Moody, trying to sit still long enough to type


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 5:07pm

Yay Moody! Have fun!

I'm about to head off on a quickie dinner date shortly, too. My Hiker is back from a weekend off backpacking and camping with his son and scouts troops. :-)

I guess now it's time for him to eat something that wasn't reconstituted with hot water or containing the slightest bit of trail dirt. hehe ;-)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 5:49pm

OH WOW! Okay - keep it clean and keep us posted!

This is so much fun for us, too!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 5:50pm
That sounds fun, Shrimps!! Have a good time - I am sure Hiker is going to enjoy your beautiful company with good food and adult conversation!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:03pm

(sort of like my Fivesense and West put together in real life)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:28pm

I did think that is hilarious - imagine that - maybe we would combine to be a nun-like character? or the headmaster of the old movie Porky's????

LOL!!

But picky is good when it comes to all of my fellow moms!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:48pm

Thanks, Judy!

Oh- and we kept our date clean tonight. Let's see later if Moody kept hers clean or not! ;-)

We just went out for mexican food, then hit the DQ for Blizzards. I know- that is SOOO off the charts for what I call "healthy eating" while I'm trying to work out... but well... uh, well... okay, it's too late to change it NOW. Plus, I only ate half of my Blizzard, the rest is in the freezer.

I'm sure if it wasn't for the fact that it was a school night and I still had to go get the kids from my Mom's... it might not have been a 'clean' date! lol hehe

~shrimpy, not minding the quick easy simple dates now and then, too

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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