It's over... moving along....
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| Fri, 06-29-2007 - 9:35am |
Hey ladies,
well, it's done. Thank you all for great encouragement and comfort in the last weeks. M and I talked last night and he has a few things to drop off tonight and then that will be that. He just doesn't really know it yet, but I do.
He said somethings that I cannot overlook:
He was caught in the moment and never meant the things he said. He never meant to have a timeline on anything. The stuff he said was meant to mean that maybe in a year or 15 years. However, he failed to mention that. He said he knew my timelines, but didn't want to rock the boat, because he doesn't like any conflict, he just wants the perfect world, this means I am not allowed to have any opinion of my own that conflicts with his.
M saying or not saying things, is lying. It's keeping very important information to himself and misleading me to believe we are on the same page; which I construe is lying. Which brought a few other things on the topic that made me realize were false. Including that he told me: The last 4 days of me needing space, made him realize, he doesn't love me. W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R
Basically, it means, he was just infatuated in the first place with this new novelty very different person. He wasn't in love with "me", he was in love with the idea of "me". Make sense? I was just this new and very different interesting person from a totally different world then him. That's all and nothing more. Someone he could present as a trophy to his X wife and make her jealous, etc. and say "look what I can get without you now". Too into his whole X wife, too concerned with her life and straight down to it "not over it". That is why I am forced at these games and paraded around to these places. My feelings and thoughts though are irrelevant and cause conflict if I am not happy with the scenario. "I just need to shut my mouth and look pretty." - Sorry, wrong woman babe!
And soooooooooo, tonight when we see each other and we are supposed to finish talking, I will tell him a few things about how he did lie to me, by misleading me, how he made me feel with the X, and her husband and then I will tell him, I am done with him.
I made a list last night and I realized, no matter how many good things were about M, I really couldn't be a 100% sure if that was true anymore, because he misled me in all sorts of directions. I started realizing that he may NOT be this wonderful awesome guy that connects with me so well. He may just have acted that way to impress me or to keep me around. And as I thought about the little stuff he said to me that were false, the list got longer and as I thought about the cultural and political differences, the huge differences in general about our likes and dislikes, I realized I had a list sooooo long that worked against us, that even if even if he would never have misled me, we had to admit, their just wouldn't be any sense to continue this relationship. We are just way to different as are our children.
Thank you very much for all the support on this one. I think the lesson I am learning is to just not deal and drag things out longer then necessary anymore. If you see a red flag, and I did see a lot, then you just need to call it quits. Not necessarily only red flags that were bad ((like his circle of people involved in his life and the little white lies he told that I thought were cute, because I thought he was ashamed, didn't want to lose me or embarrassed, so I forgave them. WRONG.No lieing should be tolerated and never should be considered "cute". Totally my bad. )) , but flags that I knew did not fit to my flags. No right or wrong; just different.
But it's ok. I cried this week, I did my list this week, I mourned a little this week and now I know the truth about what he really thought and felt and I feel like a new person. Because I realize it wasn't me. The only mistake I made was not stopping things sooner when the negative list started growing. Even though, it may not have pertained on our relationship directly right away because we had great fun together, it put a huge negative weight on our relationship as more time went by.
Edited 6/29/2007 1:05 pm ET by myprecioustwo
And I wanted to add, that after much thought, I think I'll take the high road and not call him on the things he did or his X wife or anything. I think it's best I just leave it alone and try to walk away from this all quietly.
Edited 6/29/2007 1:06 pm ET by myprecioustwo

Kudos to you for making this decision, Catherine. Not an easy one, but from what you have been saying over the past couple of weeks, there were just too many things that were not acceptable to you. I believe you have done the right thing. Imagine all that softball for the rest of your life - no thanks. You're well out of that one.
Hope you reach a mutual understanding tonight.
Thoughts,
Clem xx
Hugs to you, Cat...
Getting caught up on everything here, and it seems like you've put alot of thought into this, as well as being honest with yourself in what you will put up with and what you won't. Sounds like he was a "close" but not quite close enough to be a full keeper. Especially if you're wanting someone to keep, not just to date for awhile. I know that's gotta be tough, to have to break it off with someone who you COULD possibly date for awhile and things might still go okay. It's just that you have to be honest with what you want in the long run too- and it looks like you aren't on the same page... and that alone is an uphill battle, and relationships can be hard enough!
Sucks that he was saying things that he didn't truly mean... and he didn't even realize at the time that it really WAS too early to be saying them. Now you'll know next time- that if a man starts saying this kind of thing too soon, you can watch MUCH more carefully.
It's not an easy thing, what you're going through. I hope you do get some closure if you guys get a chance to talk tonight, but I wouldn't put too much into it. Don't expect it to be some perfect closure type of thing, because if it doesn't happen, it'll just leave you feeling cheated again. But I do hope SOME closure comes from it.
Just feel good about yourself and know that you are moving on with what is best for YOU and the kids, and not hanging on for someone else to make a decision. Do what's best for your family and if the rest is supposed to be, it will happen around what YOU create.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I am sorry you had to go through this - big hugs girl - because it sucks to think you found a good one that is into you and then you find out things you cannot live with - but that is dating. I think you did a good job to assess what is in this for you.
I think your assessment of him using you as a trophy for the exw is right on target. The whole exw thing is too much, really. And I want to see you happy.
Take good care of you!! And keep us posted as you can.
After some thought this morning, I have decided to walk away from anymore confrontation. I don't think I will really need to say anything anymore. I will thank him for my things and wish him well. If I were to talk to him about the things he said and his X wife, etc., it wouldn't put a dent into him. It'll only make him angry and it's not worth it. And it's no longer my place to mention the X or her hubby, since it never was in the beginning anyway and M never did anything about making me feel more secure and understanding about NOT attending those games. I was never really the priority, so it stings a little, but it's ok. I didn't invest THAT much time; maybe only too much energy.
I rather just end it with my head high and end it with being classy, not nasty. I think that will get his attention much more and keep him thinking.
Awe! Thanks so much Judy and thanks for being such great support. I do not need to be number one all the time, but I do think that sometimes you have to put kids and other priorities aside for the person you care about. I do not mean by important things, but it just got to be all too much and my priority level sank in his life. Mine never did for his. I really just tried wayy to much and kept my mouth shut wayy to much. I am also at fault. I never felt I could truly talk to him the way I should have been able too about things. My thoughts, dreams, emotions. Those things just went over his head and passed him. He never could understand, because he never experienced the things that I have to understand why I had some of the dreams and needs that I had. But like I told shrimpy, I am not going to tell him off, nor tell him my disappointments, or my thoughts anymore about what he said to me, his X or her husband. Their is not point in doing that. It won't change anything and it will only end nasty. Instead, I will end it, with a quick explanation of "we are on two different roads that can't connect", hold up my head, wish him luck and end things in a very classy way.
He said I was an unhappy person because I needed someone in my life. I wasn't happy alone. It made me think. I go to school full time, I work full time, I have my kids full time and this has been going on all alone for a long time. No, I am not always happy, but I am happy with myself. I have done this with myself and if I felt that I HAD to be in a relationship then I would force myself to change into what M wants me to be. I would lose myself indentity for someone because of the fear of being alone. But I don't have that fear. I like who I am. I actually love who I am. Tantrums and all. I am open, but I am a strong woman. I am a strong communicator. I need someone that can have a strong personality but also strongly communicate with me. Someone that doesn't feed me a lot of BS and premature feelings. Someone said to me last night this:
"Cat, you need someone that you enjoy socializing with. Not someone that sits on you 24/7, but someone that you can have fun with, but then after a few days or hours, you want to be on your own, because you enjoy your own company. And the best sort of relationship for you would be someone TOTALLY opposite career wise from you. BUT that person ACCEPTS and LOVES you for you. Does not want to conform you. If you hate baseball that person should accept that and let you do your own thing. Not the constant forcing and changing of you to be someone you aren't, because YOU ARE A FREE SPIRIT."
That is true, I am. Just accept me for me. Let me be the person I am. If you cannot accept who I am, then please move on. I like who I am. And I'm a good person. I'm not easy at times, but all are forewarned.
So it only made me realize that M really has NO clue about who I am. He has this false idea that I have to be in a relationship and what sort of person I really am, because he cannot open his idea to more then what he knows and has experienced himself. No fault of his or mine, but in the end, it boils down to - not being a match.
And honestly, I cannot overcome the grammar mistakes, I cannot overcome the fact that I want to wear something nice and he shows up in harley tee's and cut offs all the time, that he feels uncomfortable being in a nice hotel and when the valet comes up to him to take his keys, he made fun of the mans' bahamian accent in his face and told him not to steal anything!!!!! I thought I was going to die!!!! I never thought he would EVER do something like that. And he just kept saying how that sort of place isn't his sort of place, etc.
I don't want someone to change for me either, but I would ask him for date night once the week for alone time and he didn't do it. He said the girls, the girls. I love my children, but the girls were too much constantly. We weren't a family yet and I didn't want us to take that form. However, that is what he continued to push for. I could go on, because my list was soooo lengthy last night, but I think I just need to say what I need to say and then I will head for the beach tonight.
I saw Jesus Sandals a few weeks back so that he could tell the girls good bye before they left for Germany. He met M that day and we had a good talk, so he asked me the other day how things were going. I said they weren't. He said seeing you and talking to him told me that you both just won't last. I'll be staying with my Aunt Dixie (love that name) this weekend, who loves me and lives close to Jesus. They actually are pretty good friends, since he is a reccruiting director and always gets her different jobs, but on my way, I may stop by the store and get him some electric razor for the ears and nose. Just be open and honest when we go surfing on the beach tomorrow. LOL.
I didn't want to come across as a snob to him or to anyone, but yes, when I read my written threads of doubts that I wrote, even from last monday's thread, I was unhappy in the relationship on very many different levels. And the good just didn't out weigh the bad. The good was great, but the bad was just too overwhelming.
Thank you so much for being such a wonderful support in all of this. I just have to keep telling you all that you were really great. Thank you.
My goodness, I have to keep editing my things, because he rubbed off on me!! LOL
I keep done doing that.
Edited 6/29/2007 2:25 pm ET by myprecioustwo
So sorry to hear about this. I've been reading all your posts. I think the right thing to do is let it go and not call him on any of the stuff because he'll just turn it around and lead to frustration.
I guess each new relationship is just a learning experience...it just sucks that it hurts...*HUGS*
I AM impressed how you decide to part ways Cat. Sometimes it is hard to separate the pain and feeling of betrayal and anger while breaking up. Most people take the opportunity to dump on the other and blame.
I appreciated how you were thoughtful and made your lists before coming to this decision.
Hugs and take care,
Mark