Judy's post got me looking...
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| Mon, 10-03-2005 - 12:03am |
...for my first post on this board. I did find the first one, which was about Nicolas and how he makes me laugh.
But then I found another post, one I wrote after a *discussion* with an older cousin and I was single at this time. I was just wondering other views on the subject. Anyway, here's the post:
Topic: Putting your life on hold, 6/23/2004
I was listening to someone's opinion on dating after separation. This was from a woman who is an accountant, who has a 1 yr old, owns a home and is marrying the father of her son.
She was saying that if her and her soon to be dh broke up that she would put her life on hold until her son was 18. She said that she never wanted to have to choose between her son and some guy. She said that the most important thing was to be there for her son, and some guy would get in the way.
She also said that staying home with him and being a stay-at-home-mom was the most important thing to her right now. Her bf is the bread winner and she raises thier son. That daycare wouldn't be as effective in nurturing thier son, he could only really thrive with them. That they would give up anything to ensure she was home to raise him. That said, she does teach a night class at the college.
Now, my situation is completely different, and as you can imagine I was a little upset by these comments. I have no partner to work while I stay home- I have to work. I feel confident that the choice I made for his daycare is the best in this city. He gets to play with tons of kids, gets to be in a totally nurturing environment with staff that care about him. They do lots of activities together, and go on outings. He has fun while I'm working all day.
The point about putting your life on hold does not hold up for me. I am not dating right now because I haven't met anyone I would like to date. I have a very small circle of friends/ coworkers, and I'm sure that is not helping me meet new people, but my focus is not on finding a date. It's living my life. That said, if I meet a great guy I would like to date him and see what happens. If I decide down the road to have him meet my son I would introduce this guy as a friend. I have dated in the past and there has been no choice to make, my son will always come first- he is my responsibility. Now if one day I get married, the marraige is a priority -yes- but my son's needs would still come before my husband on MOST things. You need to nurture all the relations within your family, but until my son is 18 I cannot deny him his basic needs.
What is your opinion?
Alison


Wow - Alison - I am glad you dug that post up. These are great topics!!
I could have just as easily written the last paragraph in your message. I am not dating because I have not met anyone I like to date. I have a home office and that does not help me. Although I seem to be doing better lately at getting out and expanding my circle of friends and social contacts. My focus is more on making a great life for me than trying to meet someone right now.
I would have to say I agree with you on what you write. While it does seem ideal to be a stay at home mom with a husband who is a great provider and a happy marriage, the reality is that not everyone can have this situation. And not everyone in this situation is as happy as you would think. Additionally, I have seen many stay at home moms who are such poor parents that a good daycare would be a better choice.
I think each of us has to do the best that we can with regards to parenting and child care. Each family has its own dynamics for "staying afloat" so to speak. Somehow we all have to pay the bills but also seek to have each family member thrive in a positive environment. Obviously you have found the best solution for you and your son.
I know I am a better mom because I have my own business - it is something that fulfills me mentally. I am a type A person who is very organized and has to feel creative and productive much beyond what I do for my son. I have taught my son my entrepreneurial spirit and how to balance work and family and how to set goals (such as my triathlons) and achieve them. I know that if I married a rich man tomorrow I would still work at my own business.
As children get older, they need a positive social life just as much as they need us. And maybe more so. Going to a good school with lots of friends and activities is better than staying at home for most. My son is 9 now - and the picture is much different than when he was 1 as your friends child was when you made this post.
I also think that it is wonderful to have your own life and to date and get married again. The right person would bring many blessings. I would not shut that part of my life off until my son is 18. (It is easy for someone NOT in our situation to say that - she is never lonely on holidays or weekends and she enjoys companionship in life.)
But that is just my two cents worth. I would love to hear what everyone else has to say.
I agree 100%.
Would I have liked more time together with my kids, yes. I always made it a point to make our time together count, and that's what they both remember and treasure most. I also made sure that they only met men I was serious with, they now laugh about that too, because I was careful, they were ok with that.
The bottom line is what endures most is the relationship you have with your kids, my kids don't feel like they were cheated because I worked, if anything they tell me all the time how they respect that I worked, got my degree and no matter how tired I was, I always made time to listen to them. That's their most dominant memory, I'm getting weepy now. At the time I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, I just did the best I could and prayed a lot. Have Faith in yourself, you're doing a better job than you might think. A Mother's Love is truly a beautiful thing.