Just Don't Get It

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Just Don't Get It
6
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 1:30pm

The last time I posted I said that I was going to end a relationship that I was in and that I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Avoidance wasn’t working because Steve was calling me all the time, at home at work. So about 3 weeks ago when I was driving home from dropping my kids off at their dad’s house, I called him and told him it was definitely over because he just didn’t seem to get it. I took the upper road, like I have always done. I didn’t blame myself, but I didn’t bash him either. I just said it wasn’t working for me and I wasn’t happy. He felt the need to place the blame on me, and I just let it go. Since that time, he has called me on and off and left messages for me at home, and I refuse to return the call. When he calls me at work, I tell him I’m busy and I can’t talk. Well, he left the most obnoxious voice mail message for me at work yesterday. He was calling to tell me that I owe him money because my daughter supposed broke his big screen tv and that I need to pay to get it fixed. But before he got to that point, he told me that he met someone two weeks ago and that she was 29. And also, the reason our relationship didn’t work was because I did a complete 180 degree change.

I don’t really care that he has found someone, maybe now he will leave me alone. What I don’t get is the need to tell me about it. It didn’t need to be said. What I also don’t get is when I first told him we were over, he was telling me that he wanted to make it work, that he would do anything to keep me and that he loved me so much. Ok, someone please explain this to me. How do you love someone sooo much and then not even a week later, find someone else. Guess I didn’t mean that much after all. Which leads me to believe that everything he said to me was a big fat lie, said just to keep me around. Well, it didn’t work so I guess it was wasted energy. I guess I’m worked up about it because I literally could have bashed him up one side and down the other, but I chose not to. I let him believe what he wants to and if he wants to make me the bad guy, so be it. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do the same, he had to get his one last dig in. This isn’t the first time I’ve been told I’m the best thing in the world and then I’m dumped for someone else. I didn’t get it back then, and I still don’t get it. I don’t operate that way. I’m not a good player or liar or whatever you want to call it. I guess I will never get it. I wish someone could explain to me how a person can play or lie like that. It just escapes me.

On a much happier note, I am going along with me summer as planned. I am dating no one, and loving it. I am working on my house, and loving it. I’m still working on painting my bedroom (long story), but it’s almost done. I am so relieved that I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself and my kids. I don’t have to drive anywhere on the weekends unless I want to. And I am choosing to stay home and do things around my house. My twins turn 9 on July 28. I am have a huge party for them -- a fiesta. This is the first time that I am having a house party for all their school and camp friends. And after all of them leave, I will have my family and friends for food and margaritas. I can’t wait. But the best part is that I just found out my best friend is going to fly in from NC to be with me and the kids for their party. I can’t wait to see her.

I know I will just roll with the punches and let all this stuff with Steve go, it just really rubbed me the wrong way yesterday. I have 3 weeks to get my house in order for this party, and I have a lot of work to do. I am a perfectionist, so I am making things hard on myself. I haven’t had people, other than immediate family, over to my house in years, and I think it’s about time. Last weekend I spent my weekend doing yardwork and painting my porch railing. This weekend, I don’t have my kids so I plan to finish the yardwork and hopefully paint my garage, and if I have time, I want to finish painting my room and paint the hallway down into my basement. My goals are large, but I have something to work towards. And this party is very important to me, even more now that my friend will be there.

Hope everyone is having a good summer.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:48pm

This whole letter screams SURVIVOR! And I love it!!

Donna, I think a few things happened:
- you realized you were giving a whole lot more than you were getting - meaning you realized that you didn't want to be the one doing all the driving, you didn't want to give up your house and move so you could live with him living with his dad. And you didn't like the way he yelled at your kids in sports things because he is too intense with that.
- you realized he is not the one for you

And you had great courage to get out.

- He is just being a human/guy - no one likes rejection. He obviously CANNOT see things your way so he has to imagine them and form a summary in his own head for the way he sees them and that is what he did. This just validates your decision!! He probably just went out and found a warm body to soothe his pain. Woe to her. Poor thing!

Now you have learned a valuable lesson on finding someone who is willing to meet you at least half way AND bring something to your table. You do not not not not not have to give give give.

Forget about what he says - do not speak to him or answer the phone. Let the new floozy deal with him and entertain him.

And absolutely keep decorating and having fun in your life. YOu will rebuild and then you will be much more picky.

This relationship taught you a lot of things. And best of all it taught you that you are acceptable after what Mark "gave you" - and to wait more on that front. And that there is life after Mark and that YOU YOU YOU matter!!

Awesome, girl. Hope to see you around here more often - would love to have you participate in our threads and even add some fun stuff of your own.

Keep us posted about the parties - I think they sound excellent!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:08pm

Oh Donna ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))


This guy was just a piece of work, wasn't he?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:35pm

One more thing - don't you dare pay a dime for that TV - as I am sure he didn't pitch in for the gas expense of your travel!! The nerve of him to ask for that. It shows how petty and immature he is.

And the younger girl thing? I agree with Alison.

HUGS!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:49pm

OOOO good point, Judy!


I second that "don't pay a dime for that tv" bit!


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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:10pm

Insofar as "explaining" why someone would love you so much then finding someone the next week... I see this all the time (maybe not the following week but ...). As Dr Joy Browne, relationship therapist and author talks about how we use others as "emotional band aids" after a failed relationship hence why many people who are separated or newly divorced want to jump right into another relationship.

Plus being the dumpee, I think it is natural to have a lot of hurt and anger and therefore irrational behavior can result.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:39am

I think I'm going to print this out and hang it on my frig!!!

You go girl!!!