Just how hard is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Just how hard is it?
11
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:29pm

Hi All

I know this may seem silly, but just how hard is it to be a single mom and to try and date. I'm relatively new to the board so I'll provide a little background which might help frame my question above. I just turned 34 and am dating a man who is separated from his wife. They've been separated for about 7 years and I really don't know if/when the divorce will be finalized. Long story short--I currently have no children, but I'm tired of waiting for Mr. Right. And even if I found Mr. Right, I'm not sure that I would be willing to put in the time and effort to making a realtionship work before getting married and getting pregnant. So, I'm thinking of trying to get pregnant in Sept using donor sperm. I'm fortuate enough that I have a career that will allow me to be a single mom and use an au pair for child care.

Everyone always says that being a single mother is very hard; and I don't dobut that it is. But from my perspective, it's not like I would have had a husband/father who used to help out and now doesn't. Maybe I'm just going with the ignorance is bliss concept. I read many posts on this board about mom's struggling with child support, visitation, new gf/bf, etc. I'm just not sure I want all that. I know that I want a child, but I'm not sure I want a husband/father or that I'm willing to wait for him to 1) appear 2) be ready for what I want when I want it. And as for the father figure in my child's life, my brother has said he would fulfill that role as would any number of my male friends whom I've know for over 20 years.

So really, I just want comments on how hard you find it being a single mom. Do you wish that you had a spouse? Is it better being single or when you were married? Are men really turned off by women with children?

Thanks for providing input

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:43pm

First a little background on me before I answer your questions...I am 24 and I have 1 DS (Hunter who will be 2 on July 22) My husband died in a motorcycle accident 6/25/05. I found out after he died that he was cheating on me. Now, my answers.....


Do you wish that you had a spouse? I do wish that I had a spouse...more for the love and support than for anything else


Is it better being single or when you were married? If you are talking about child care wise....my DH (~i~) never really helped, but my current boyfriend helps me out all the time. It's great to have someone there just so you can go to the bathroom alone...lol


Are men really turned off by women with children? NO....not the kind of men you wanna be with anyways...


Being a single mom is hard, but at the same time very rewarding....obviously it's do-able, but not for everyone...I'm sorry if I was no help....good luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:53pm
Thank you for your comments, they are very helpful. It sounds like you've been through a lot at a pretty young age, but you're doing great. I'm glad you have someone in your life that helps both you and Hunter out. It does provide a ray of hope that a "traditional" family is an option someday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:06pm

I'm just a year older than you are. I have one child and about 3 years ago I considered adopting a second child or getting donor sperm. I wanted another child, but did not have any prospects. Not that I couldn't have found anyone to date to me, I just had no interest in dating.

I decided not to adopt or have a second child. I didn't want to blaze a trail with a non-conventional family.

Having said that, I'm sure you could have a child on your own and still find plenty of men to date you. In some ways, I think having a child makes dating easier. The guys who are huge jerks will just leave you alone once they find out you have a kid. Also, you're much less willing to put up with any crap from some guy if you have a child who depends on you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:50pm

Hello! Well, here is my opinion. I am 42 and have a DS who is almost 15 and a DD who is 10. Is being a single Mom hard? It is one of the hardest and the most rewarding things I have ever done. I have been doing this for 4 years. I have sole custody of my son and have him 24/7. I have joint custody of my daughter. (Yes, the same father)

The good part is that I know I can take care of myself and the kids. The part that makes it tough (besides the ex, no child support etc) is you have no backup or help. My son can really push the limit with me. I know this is probably sexist, but I know that if there were a father in his life that I wouldn't get as much flack from him. There are days when I struggle with wondering if I am handling things the "right" way.

Do I wish I had a spouse? Yes, IF he would be stable, decent and a good influence on my children and also willing to be a team.

I don't know if men are turned off by women who have kids, but let's face it, most women over the age of 30 probably DO have kids. If some guy isn't OK with that and you have kids, you are better off without him anyway. It is challenging dating when you have kids, but you just have to be patient and flexible. (so does your guy)

Good luck with your decision and I hope you find everybody's input helpful!
Stephanie




Edited 5/26/2006 2:51 pm ET by texas_mom1991
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 4:23pm

Hi!

I can kind of answer your question, although Amber's dad and I called it quits a week before she was born, so I really don't have anything much to compare that aspect to.

The tough part: It is very time consuming. Things that were once easy, that I could do spur of the moment, are not anymore. Time to yourself is really hard to come by.

BUT it is not overwhelmingly difficult by any means to take care of a little one as a single mom! Amber is only 10 months old, so again I have limited experience, but it really is SO DOABLE and WORTH IT! I love our life together - she and I are a team and I wouldn't change a thing!

Now as for the dating question... I don't have a lot of experience with that as a single mom yet, so I am sure the other ladies on this board might provide more insight. I will tell you that you need a babysitter if you really are interested in dating. However, it sounds like you have that covered already, so you won't have to worry as much about not being able to do things on short notice, etc. It has been my limited experience that although some guys are not into dating a single mom, there are lots that are. I would suggest that you date a single dad - he will understand how you feel about your child and the restrictions on you. But, that is just my opininon.

So, yes, I believe it is doable and not that hard! I love doing it and I am holding onto the hope that a great guy is out there for me who will love me and my little girl, but things are so fabulous without him, I am not desperately searching! :)

Best of luck to you with your decision!!

Samantha (now 36 and gave birth last year when I was 35)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 5:29pm
That's just what I needed to hear. That it's doable and wonderful. It's what I'm hoping for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 10:18pm

I had thought about what if I never remarried, and I think I would like to adopt an older child if that happened.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 8:11pm

Hi Fle,

Welcome to the board.

If you're feeling that strongly about having a baby, then it seems like a good idea to look into a sperm donor to fulfill that desire.

The difference between a single mother and a not single mother is the amount of support she receives from her partner. That said, some women are single mothers even though they are married because their partner just isn't as helpful/ supportive as she needs. If you have a strong support system in place with family and friends, then that's a great start.

As I'm sure you're aware, dating is a struggle whether you have children or not. But when you have children, there is a difference- you have a priority: your child. Their needs come first no matter what. It is possible to find a man who will love you and your child as a package deal, but it takes patience. As Tricia (fivesense)pointed out, "The guys who are huge jerks will just leave you alone once they find out you have a kid."

You do mention that you are dating someone right now, but that he's been separated for 7 years with no divorce in sight. Sounds to me like you need to end it with him, so that you have more of a chance to find Mr. Right. 34 is not old, but you're getting into the troublesome territory for childbearing, so you're desire not to wait around for the traditional date/become exclusive/meet family/move in together (if you believe in it)/ get married/ THEN have a baby is understandable.

A lot of women have done it on their own, whether by choice or by circumstance. Look at Jodie Foster, she's had two babies on her own through sperm donation. Rosie O'Donnell had adopted I think two children before she met her wife and they adopted a third.

So, in answer to your question, it IS hard work, but it's hard whether you have someone there for you or not. And the relationship you have with your child is unique to any other relationship you have with ANYONE.

Good luck, and do stay, we so love to have you!







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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 9:35am

I posted a similar question on my board on behalf of a friend last week.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 10:20am

"As a single mom, you'll drive more carefully because you become acutely aware that an accident could make your child an orphan. "

I totally agree, Stephanie!!

Fle, if you do decide to be a single mom, go to a lawyer right away and get a new will for yourself BEFORE the baby is born. A friend of mine detailed what she wanted her baby's name to be should something happen when she was pregnant or in labour. It's also good to name two to three guardians in case you become ill or worse.

Good luck!







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