That just hurt me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
That just hurt me
27
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:10am

Shane didn't call me at all yesterday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Being as though I gave birth to his daughter and step-son, I figured he'd be nice and send me good wishes...he didn't. My ex husband did. I just don't get it. I tried to call him to see if he was coming over that day and he refused to answer his phone. NO calls back. I just left him a message letting him know it was hurtful that he did not think of me and that I would not call him anymore and that the next step is up to him...I was done.

I know he doesn't OWE me a call, but being as thought we did create a child, I thought he might...I guess I should have known he'd be hurtful to me.

Has anyone done an online divorce? I'm thinking of just filing. I'm sick of being treated like crap.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:22am

Mel, I'm sorry Shane didn't wish you a happy mother's day, but at the same time, I'm suprised you expected him to.

From reading what you've posted here, I'm surprised you expect anything at all from him.

I wouldn't have called, I wouldn't have told him you were hurt, but those are my opinions. I think if your marriage (or any relationship, really) has any chance, you're going to have to NOT tell him every emotion, every thought you have.

I don't think he did it to hurt you, I think he didn't think of you at all. The fact is, he seems incredibly selfish, has other things in his life going on, and simply doesn't seem to be the thoughtful guy you need.

He was probably surprised by your message, simply because it wasn't meant to hurt you, it was a simple oversight on his part- he didn't think of it at all. He probably didn't call you back because he didn't want to hear any nagging, whining, or be called on the carpet.

I would be moving on, but again, that's me. I haven't done an online divorce, but I know my sister in law did, and it worked out well. It was fast, inexpensive, and got her the divorce. The only thing that might be a problem is if you have property or custody issues that he won't agree to.

My SIL and her ex had already agreed on that stuff, so she filed, he signed, and that was that.

Moody, wishing you the best


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:25am

"I don't think he did it to hurt you, I think he didn't think of you at all. The fact is, he seems incredibly selfish, has other things in his life going on, and simply doesn't seem to be the thoughtful guy you need."

Moody, you certainly have a great way of saying it like it is here! Excellent post as usual!!

Mel, I dont think you can do an online divorce given your situation, because you have a kid, a house and debt and assets. I think you need to sit down with an attorney this week and figure it out. Most attorneys will give a free initial consultation and talk to you for an hour and help you understand what you have to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:48am

What I want is to get into some activities like a class or something creative, healthy, whatever, that will boost my confidence. I have the two kids, though and no support to watch them while I pursue anything. I don't want to ask Shane to help me because 1. he won't and 2. I want to be gone and not have him know where I am for once. Make him call over and over and stop by wondering why I am gone and where are the kids...it would really get to him.

Of course I want to work things out and not divorce, but it's hard not to tell him how I feel. I am working on that. Counseling will help me learn how to just be stronger.

He needs to be careful, though. I think he expects my counselor to turn me into some passive little wimp who says yes all the time....if anything, it will make me stronger and more opinionated, but in a better way. I will stand firm on what I expect and he will probably not be able to handle that. And if he comes forward and says he wants me back, well, by then I could be strong enough to say no. What will he do then??? I guess he should think of that. But he won't. He's too busy thinking of himself.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:04am

"Believe what they DO, not what they SAY". & "When someone shows you who they ARE, belive them".

(((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:06am

"Believe what they DO, not what they SAY." & "When someone shows you who they ARE, believe them."

This must be our motto!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 10:08am

& *you* need to be busy thinking about YOURSELF, not him & what he will think, do, say ...

I know its very VERY hard, but you cannot get on at ALL with your life if you dont seperate yourself emotionally from him. I know you want it to "work out", but i dont see how it ever will. Do you think he can POSSIBLY change from what he is? He cant. He wont. He already knows he is out of the house & on the divorce track. If he wanted to change & be back with you, this would have been the impetus to make him.

Please go talk to an atty - if nothing else, just to make sure you are protected.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 1:09pm
I've decided no to answer the phone if he calls anytime soon. I will treat him like he treats me. I will be at Dylan's game and if he stops by, oh well....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 3:34pm
If it makes you feel any better ... My daughters Father (his name is Shane) did not call me and tell me happy mothers day either. He got a beeup his butt a few years ago because I did not call him and tell him Happy fathers day.. If he paid child support and was actually there for her I might then call him and tell him happy father's day. He then realize that I was right last year he called me. This year he has also been in a motorcycle accident resulting in a broken collar bone. and has a girlfriend. So I did not expect to hear much from him.
it would hve been nice though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 6:15pm

For a while I took the high road and kept getting the X Father's Day, birthday and Xmas gifts to be "from the kids" and I would send him a card from me. He never reciprocated. He stopped giving me gifts a year before the divorce. I got sick of my kids feeling bad that they had nothing to give me so I give them money to go out and get something for each holiday. I stopped giving the X anything after HIS mom told me I should just let it go, I think she was sick of seeing her son be such a jerk. If I'm not giving him anything either she doesn't feel so bad.

M was appalled when I told him my X would not acknowledge me at all for Mother's Day. He always wishes his X a happy day, gives her a card and takes their girls shopping for a gift. He would feel like a jerk if he didn't.

I think you need to step back from your anger on this issue. By even thinking how you'll "get back" at him by not answering the phone you are prolonging your heartache. If this guy is not a drinker, then he is a full blown narcissist and there is ZERO hope he will give a rat's behind about you or your feelings. Sure he'll get pissed IF he tries to call and you are giving him the silent treatment, but odds are, he won't try to call very often. And he won't change his behavior at all. He won't learn anything from it because how his behavior effects you doesn't matter to him.

QB- 30 year veteran of dealing with a narcissist

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 3:30am

Really, Mel, you have to give up ANY expectations you have for Shane and his behaviour.


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