That just hurt me
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:10am |
Shane didn't call me at all yesterday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Being as though I gave birth to his daughter and step-son, I figured he'd be nice and send me good wishes...he didn't. My ex husband did. I just don't get it. I tried to call him to see if he was coming over that day and he refused to answer his phone. NO calls back. I just left him a message letting him know it was hurtful that he did not think of me and that I would not call him anymore and that the next step is up to him...I was done.
I know he doesn't OWE me a call, but being as thought we did create a child, I thought he might...I guess I should have known he'd be hurtful to me.
Has anyone done an online divorce? I'm thinking of just filing. I'm sick of being treated like crap.
~Mel~

Pages
I agree with this - and how nice of Alison to make such a nice long post.
Mel, my exh doesn't ever acknowledge my birthday or mother's day - even when I started doing this for the sake of my own son for him. So I don't acknowledge his either. He was always an emotionally stingy person who was all about him and I enabled that from the start by only trying to please him instead of seeing he was that into me. I think I was very needy of any attention at all and just didn't know better.
There is nothing you can do to make the other person be into you and helpful and sweet. They either do that on their own or you are out of luck.
I hate to push a divorce in a family situation. And there have been somethings here to make me say work it out. But with this I am nervous that you are going to end up in a financial bind because of him. I dont trust him to be careful with the money. And the longer you wait, the deeper you could get. How are you going to feel if you end up paying half of the debts his carelessness has incurred while he is screwing some young thing?
I feel that he is not going to turn around and you have to cut your losses. But that is just me sitting in my comfortable chair giving advice. I respect what you decide - because only you can decide what is best for you. I just think if you take the step to talk to an attorney you will realize it is not as hard as you think to get to stable ground and start over.
Don't wait til you have a big drama and no money left for a roof over your head!!
<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker
I'm glad that you talked to an attorney and have a little idea of what you could be entitled to- make the appointment to talk further with him right away to get things moving.
I will say this...I do believe that Shane will financially take care of us and do what he needs to do in that respect. Emotionally, no, he's not gonna do it, but he will ful fill his responsibilities. He believes in that. He's not been the best with money, but he knows his part in this and what he needs to do.
I will have an order drawn up to specify when he needs to take Emi. I agree that he needs to find a sitter for her on Saturdays when he has to work. That crap should not get in the way of his visitation and if he cares at all, he'll arrange with his work to be off.
<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker
Hugs, Mel...
I know many of us here has told you to stop being so available and convenient for Shane. Stop being at home with dinner for him if he happens to stop by after work, that kind of thing. But when you said this in this last post, I just had to add something else: "I want to be gone and not have him know where I am for once. Make him call over and over and stop by wondering why I am gone and where are the kids...it would really get to him."
It WOULD be cool if he came by like he's used to doing- and finding you and the kids gone. And no hot dinner waiting for him. And not knowing what you're doing or where you are. But the problem is, if he DID come by and find you gone, it probably wouldn't bother him anywhere as much as it does to you, when you find HIM gone. I just don't think it matters to him.
And if you are getting out with the kids JUST to try to get him mad and do that "serves him right" thing, or giving him a taste of his own medicine... I think it would only serve to backfire on you. If you get out with the kids, hoping that he will discover you gone- and then he never even came by that evening, or he notices you're gone, but then never says anything or gets upset about it... then it will only make YOU more angry. Because it will just be MORE of the same. You do things, and he doesn't notice. You get mad, but he doesn't care. You are putting your energies into something, and it doesn't matter to him.
I say that if you plan to get out with the kids, do it because you and the kids have something FUN to get out and do. Get out and do things FOR YOU, and don't do it to try to get him upset. I've BTDT with that one- and it only serves to get ME more mad because the man didn't even notice (or if he noticed, he didn't care).
If you go out, go out without a care of whether HE even knows it or not. Do the fun stuff for you (and the kids)- not to "show him" or teach him a lesson. I think he's proving himself to be a man who can't be taught.
Hugs to you Mel though- it's clear to me that this is all rough on you. But I do wish you'd focus more on yourself having a good time and making the moves to move on- rather than hoping he notices that you're upset and come back to make things "all better".
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I know...I need to focus on myself and I'm currently looking for things to do around here. This town is so full of itself and everything costs a fortune. But I am in the process of being offered a great job so I need to stay. Plus I am thinking of my kids and my son doesn't need to be uprooted. He's happy here and to be honest, I am more independent here than I would be if I moved home. I have to do it on my own here. I moved home last time I divorced and I ended up appearing independent, but really, I was not at all. I'd like to take a cooking class or something creative. I have tons of photos I could scrapbook, but I have to find a place to do it that doesn't involve staying all night and pay $40.00 to sit in plus supplies. I also need to have a sitter to come over or have an activity that offers childcare. I know churches do things. I need to join a women's group at one of the churches and start attending services. Many things are here to do, but either are too expensive or at a time when I have no one to watch my kids. It's hard. That is why I am online for my degree instead of in class where I'd rather be. Shane's work hours are crappy and it's not like he'd be around on time for me to get into anything anyway. I could ask him but I already know that answer..."I don't know". It's always that.
I have tons of interests, but so much holding me back...the kids cannot go to everything and I need a break from them sometimes to be me. UGH! It's frustrating!
<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker
The only thing I can add about Shane coming home and not finding you there is that may not happen that much.
My exh was so unavailable that when I tried to make myself busier and less available hoping he would want me more, he just became more unavailable and it was like a never win situation.
Some of your story reminds me of my exh. He would work so so so many hours and the only time he would take off was for his own family - and they didn't like me all that well and visa versa. It was frustrating to me because I needed couple time.
You may feel like you are not calling and avoiding him but you are really not upsetting him by that. He will be glad and not notice like you think.
I don't post much anymore, but I really feel compelled to comment regarding you believe Shane will financially fulfill his obligations to you and your daughter. I was married for 21 years. I married at the age of 17. He was a wonderful father, just a lousy husband. I NEVER thought he would do our kids dirty.
He met somebody shortly after we divorced and they married. He was supposed to pay half of the kids' medical bills, child support etc. To make a long story short, he DIDN'T pay his half of the medical bills and the ONLY way I got child support was because I had a wage withholding order in place. He started treating our son terribly and he moved in full time with me. His Dad had almost nothing to do with him and never even remembered his birthday, let alone send some extra money to cover things like school activities.
You are kidding yourself if you believe that Shane can be trusted to provide for you and your daughter. I thought I knew my ex pretty well after 21 years together. Divorce changes people. You need to look out for YOU and your DAUGHTER!!
I know this is hard, but you are going to have to be tough. Your daughter is counting on you.
Stephanie
I do appreciate that and I understand you being skeptical. Shane was never sure he'd be able to have a baby. He was married 8 years to XW and no such luck. One month after we married, I got pregnant. He cried. All he's ever wanted was a child of his own and he made sure I wanted that too before he ever committed. I already had a son so I could have refused him. But I was open to another child. The whole pregancy he was involved, very sweet, loving, and helpful. He cried when I began to bleed 5 months into it, but it turned out it was just from having sex and we took it easy after that. Losing that baby would have devastated him. When we found out it was a girl, he beamed. Shane is a real father. He adores her and he adores my son too. He has always been looking out for their best interest. I know for a fact that he will never leave them without. Nor me. He may not be in love with me any longer, but he does love me. I know that. We plan to be good friends if we do split for good. I have divorced before and my XH and I were good friends for a while but his mistress did not appreciate that so he began to be nasty. Now they have both grown up and we are all getting along better. I do not doubt for a second that Shane will provide well for us and will not kick us out of the house. He's selfish with many things, but not like that. I know that with this behavior, something is going on with him that he is not ready to address. His mom's illness, our split, etc. I know he's going through something. He clams up when he does. Not making excuses for him....he should talk to me, but he's not ready. Can't force it. I plan to just be patient and let him come to me if he will and if he does not in a certain amount of time that I will decide on, I will force it by filing for divorce and ending it myself. But he WILL take care of us financially. He's many things, but not cruel like that.
~Mel~
<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker
And I just wanted to mention something I didn't even THINK about until tonight....
My son's father didn't call to wish me a happy mother's day, but the guy I went on ONE date before I left for Vegas (L) sent me a text that day wishing me one!
Pages