Just introducing myself.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Just introducing myself.....
9
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:43pm

Hi there - I am new to this board and new to being a single mom but I think I am going to love both! I have frequented the Domestic Abuse boards, then the Surviving Divorce board and I think this board is perfect for the stage I am moving on towards. STBX and I just sold our house and I take posession of my new place on May 15th. That's when I will finally start to get my old self back. I am really looking forward to the rest of my life! I have two gorgoeus daughters who both just turned 5 and 3 respectively. I am still working out the details of our custody arrangement, but I do expect to have them the majority of the time. Their dad loves them very much and I am hoping to have a very amicable split for their sake. He has realized the errors of his ways and desparately wants me back - but I need some space and the quick sale of our home was enough to nudge me along.

As far as dating goes - I swore that I didn't want anything to do with men at all when STBX and I embarked on separating. Now a couple of months into the process and I have changed my mind on that.... I don't ever want to marry again and even living together is extremely unlikely for me. But dating, I have realized is a necessity!

Question - As I mentioned H still very much wants to try again with me, but he knows he blew it. I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does, he is very sad and depressed about what he has done to our family. I know he is genuinely sorry and I know that he wasn't being malicious. He has dated other women in the last couple of months, I have not dated anyone. A former co-worker of mine has made it very clear that he is very interested in me. I feel that I should wait until I move before I get in too deep - I have made it this far after all. However - with STBX still pining, I am thinking I might have to wait even longer than that until it seems he has come to terms with our split. Does anyone have any advice on when it is okay to be dating again? I do not intend to introduce my children to anyone unless circumstances dictate that the time is right after many months of serios dating.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:47pm

Hi Rose!

I post on here very infrequently, but lurk almost daily. Let me be the first to welcome you aboard, though! The women on here are all incredibly cool and supportive. Their posts are great and they have always been supportive of me, friendly and answered questions when I have had them even though I do not post all the time!

I had to respond to you because something stood out in your post. It sounds like your STBX did something to really hurt you and he caused the demise of the family unit. You said he feels so horrible about that and wants you back, so you are hesitant about hurting him by dating. However, then you said that he has dated other women in the last few months. I hate to be cold, but I think he is coming to terms with the split maybe a little easier than he says. He obviously is not so sad and depressed or so against the idea of dating other women or concerned about hurting your feelings that it is keeping him home on the couch. So, if that is your hesitation, I kind of think you don't need to worry about him.

As far as, in general, when is it right to date, I think that really depends on the person and your specific circumstances. It sounds like you are thinking very casually right now - having fun, adult time with someone. If you really feel you are ready, that sounds okay to me. I think you should just keep it very light and don't jump into anything major right now. Like you said, no kid involvement while it is just casual, light and fun. But, you deserve to have a little fun and get a little attention from a guy, so go for it!

JMHO!

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:57pm

HI there, and welcome! The women here are great, and I'm sure you'll get tons of useful advice.

I would caution against putting your life on hold until your STBX has his act together. You've split, how he feels and what he does isn't your problem, and vice versa. As long as you are being civil parents and no one is putting your daughters in danger, it isn't any of his business what you do.

You may want to take some time off for YOURSELF, to find yourself and figure out what you really want. But that's entirely different from not dating so your ex doesn't get sad. Too bad if he gets sad, this is your life!

You do what's right for you, and let him take care of himself. He is an adult, after all, and for whatever reason, the marriage didn't work out. While I do believe there are two sides to every story, I also believe that unrequited love never works out well for anyone. The sooner you're happy- whether that's dating, marriage, or just enjoying being completely single, the sooner you'll see that your ex's happiness is not affected by you.

Good luck, and please stick around and keep us posted!

Moody, responsible only for her own happiness


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:52pm

Hi Samantha - Thanks so much for your very warm welcome!

My STBX figured that the grass was greener and jumped into seeing other women right away once we intially separated. He quickly realized that what he had at home was better but by that time I had had enough time to realize that he walked all over me every opportunity that he had. If I gave him an inch, he'd take a mile with never a second thought about hurting me and, being the peace keeper that I am, I just kept taking it. He was a very selfish, self centred, arrogant ass for the majority of our 8 year marriage. In the past month or so he has made some major strides in re-evaluating himself, managing his anger, treating people with respect etc. Good for him but for now... I need breathing space. I am totally ok with him dating other women, in fact I have been encouraging him to do so, I want him to move on. I just don't want to hurt him despite what he has done to me.

For myself, I am thinking casual adult fun more so than anything else. I am in a good financial position, while I would have loved to have had a third baby with STBX, I am close to 40 so I am very content with my two girls. Aside from casual adult fun and companionship, I am not so sure that there is anything else that a man has to offer me right now. I am sure my feelings will evolve but that is where my head is at for the time being.

Thanks again for your thoughtful note!
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:53pm

Welcome! Glad to have you aboard.

I think you have gotten great advice so far. The only thing I can add is that you should date when you feel ready. It might help to move first and feel like you are back in control of your life. Keep it on your terms and about you and you will do fine.

From my experience, it takes about 6 months to a year to really let the dust from a divorce settle - for the kids to be back on track and for everyone to be settled and treating it as a routine. So, if you need a break or are not ready yet that is fine.

I don't think you should worry about your exh - his guilt and feelings are his problem now that you are divorced. You made your decision based on what is best for you and you have to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 4:09pm

Hi Moody - I am very much looking forward to finding myself again. I was totally lost in my marriage and I cannot wait to get the real me back. Even my friends have commented that they are looking forward to getting me back. Finding myself and enjoying my life is my number one goal right now. I just want to be me, people have already started to notice the difference. I feel like I can breath again. I feel very free right now....

As for my X, I know he will be just fine. He has always had a very rich social life and women were/are always throwing themselves at him. I know he'll be fine I just don't want to add salt to his wound right now. ...That being said...I am looking forward to putting myself first.... I want to date but until we both move into our own places, I have our girls every night. That obviously presents a bit of an issue. I move mid-May but he may not have his place ready until August as he has chosen to build right around the corner from me (good for our children...I'm not so sure how much I'm going to like that...)

Thanks for your great note Moody!

Rose ....who is looking forward to being a little selfish.....

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 5:05pm

Hey Honey, you may recognize me from the DV board. I can tell you, my H is NOT over our split. But you know what? HE caused it. HIS abuse caused our family to dissolve. What HE wants & "can handle" isnt my issue.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 9:35pm

Hey rlch - good to see you here - much better than the other board! I know you are right about the manipulation and control aspect of DV. I think I am trying to diffuse his reaction somewhat by giving him a bit of a head-start on dating.

I was speaking with my former co-worker friend who was suggesting lots of great things we could do together and I tried to explain to him my situation without getting into too much detail. He said that H sounds like the type of guy who would just show up pounding on his door one night and he is absolutely right. I want to avoid any potential ugliness as much as possible plus I don't want to jeopardize my custody and support proposal either. If H thinks there is another guy I know the gloves will come off. Does that mean he is still manipulating and controlling me - absolutely... but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel...

My counsellor has suggested to me that I wait a couple of months before I start dating as well - she specializes in DV. Thanks so much for your note...I know it is not pleasant but it really does help to know that I am not alone... I really am looking forward to my new found second chance!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 6:03am

Oh! Then i totally agree with what you mean.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 9:17am

Hi, Rose!

You are quite welcome for the note!

It sounds like your STBX is much like my X is, but sadly for him, my X has no interest in changing! (Although he is a great father to our daughter).

You sound like a very warm and caring person - very considerate of others' feelings. Please just don't forget you matter just as much as everyone else around you and that your happiness is hugely important, too. Your motive for dating wouldn't be to hurt anyone, merely to enjoy yourself a bit.

If you STBX truly is changing and growing and realizes your worth, then he knows that you deserve to be happy and he should want you to be. Therefore, instead of thinking selfishly of his own feelings, he should welcome you dating right now if that is what you would like to do for yourself to make that happen. I bet he knows you well enough to know that your motive wouldn't be to hurt him, but to do something for yourself.

If he does just take it personally then there really is not much you can do, sad to say. But, that can't be your only concern - you have to take care of you first and foremost - for yourself for your beautiful little girls! A happy mom makes everyone happy! :)

I hope all goes well for you and that you remember your happiness really matters and that it is your responsibility to flourish as a complete, happy, fulfilled person! :)

Samantha