Just let us be together!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Just let us be together!!
8
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 1:44pm

My BF has been divorced for 2 years now and he does not want to be married ever again! I don't have a problem with that, I can live without getting remarried as well. He knows all I want from him is a life long companion and committed relationship and we have that. I know he loves me by the things he does for me and how he treats me, I really do not doubt it. The part that troubles me is that he will not say he loves me. When I tell him, he does not reciprocate. He is afraid of failing in a relationship again and has walls put up between us.

We have been dating for almost a year exclusively. Since we started dating there has not been anyone else but us!!!

I just want the walls to come down!!!

I had a lot of trust issues in the beginning and now I have completely let go and decided I had to trust him because he had never given me any reasons not to trust him. I drove him crazy with it and almost drove him away because of it. Now I just need for him to trust his heart, let go and let us have the relationship I know he is just too scared to admit he wants.

Just how long do I have to wait....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 5:22pm

I think it's a very bad sign that he doesn't tell you he loves you. I read a book on emotionally unavailable men. I don't remember the title, or I would share the name of it with you. But, it was a lightbulb moment for me when the author said that it's important for a man to say that he loves you. When a man withholds saying those words, then he doesn't love you. I mean, if he has never said it to you after 1 solid year of dating, then he doesn't love you.

The afraid of being hurt again, is an excuse. He's not giving you the kind of relationship that you say you want.

He might go on indefinitely, dating you exclusively, but not loving you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 5:41pm

I would say I have to agree with this.

It is easy to accept the status quo - and leave things alone - but if you want more then you have to accept that this is not it - and you have to wait for the right person who will love you for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 8:48pm

While I agree with fivesense and west that you need a man who will love you for you- please remember that actions speak louder than words.

I have had several men tell me they loved me, yet they treated me like crap- not at all how you'd treat someone you loved. It's just another word. Does he feel it? Maybe, I don't profess to know his feelings. But more importantly, does he show it?

Is him not saying "I love you" the ONLY thing wrong with your relationship? You say he has walls built up- what does that mean- is he emotionally distant beyond just not parrotting back to you the "L" word when you say it? If he's truly distant and not emotionally there- for you OR with you, you should consider calling it quits, as after a year, chances are it won't change.

But if he consistently shows you he loves you, is not hearing it really that bad, in the grand scheme of things? You say you know he loves you- if you know that, why does it bother you so much that he doesn't say it?

Now, having said all of the above, let me close by saying that I would probably expect someone who truly loved me to eventually (within a year sounds reasonable) be able to tell me so. But if he simply didn't say the actual word, yet showed me in so many other ways, I'd probably let sleeping dogs lie and enjoy my relationship for what it was- a loving relationship, since not being spoken of doesn't make something not exist.

Moody- running for cover and NOT saying the "L" word!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 8:35am
I agree. Actions and words have to fit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:02am

Problem solved!!!

We were actually texting on my way home from work and in a light hearted way I told him to say he loves me. And he did!!!

And yes his actions ALWAYS show me that he loves me!!! I never doubted his love, I just really needed the words. I guess I just needed it to make me feel whole and the fact I was going through a mood swing! Kind of goofy, but I do need the words sometimes. I don't expect him to say it all the time, but sometimes will be nice.

Thanks for listening and responding!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:13am
That's nice. Hopefully, he will start saying that more frequently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:56am

Hmmm... now that just made me think of the book by Gary Chapman, "The Five Love Languages" because maybe you two DO love each other, but just speaking different love languages. If you speak different languages, you won't understand each other.

If you are wanting to hear the words, then that doesn't make you wrong or desperate or needy- it just might be one of your main love languages- "Words of Affirmation"- where you like to hear love phrases and compliments and things from your partner. And if he isn't saying the words, then maybe Words of Affirmation isn't high on his list of love languages. And that doesn't make HIM wrong or ineffective or unavailable as a partner- that's just how HE is. But if he understands how important it is for YOU to hear the words, and how hearing those words make YOU feel... then if he really loves you and cares for you, then he can make more effort to say those words because by saying them, he will be speaking your love language and then the love will get translated clearly. And if you understand that Words of Affirmation might not be high on his list, then you will know NOT to get offended if he doesn't say them much- that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He is probably speaking plenty of love in one of HIS main languages.

I highly recommend this book for understanding your partner in a relationship.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 10:54am
I'm sitting in awe reading the first post on this thread...it is EXACTLY the same problem I have with my SO. It's not that he refuses to say it, he just tells me that the actual word means nothing to him. I can tell by his every action, his every look, his every move when we're together that he DOES loves me, but I've told him before, it would be nice to hear the words every once in a while. Here was his explanation. His mother treated him very badly when he was a kid, beat him, stayed out all night, came home drunk, ect. After one of these moments, she would hold him and tell him how much she loves him, and she's sorry. On the other hand, he can count on one hand the number of times his father has said he loves him, but he has never doubted his father's love for him. Because of his father's actions and the way he treated him, he knew without a doubt his father loved him, but doubted his mother's love every minute of every day (mom and dad are divorced, BTW). To him, actions speak so much louder that words, and he would rather SHOW me that he loves me, and prove it through the things he does for me, than say it every day to me. Yes, he does say it on occasion, but his "I love yous" are few and far between. I had a huge problem with it at first, but I've grown used to it, and I accept it as a part of him. There are no walls up between us, he shared everything with me, all intimacies of his past and his present, and is open with his feelings, he just doesn't say those three little words very often.