Just a little venting
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| Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:32pm |
I was very self sufficient. I was very content with "who I was". I learned from an immature, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship (a very long and sometimes happy relationship) to NOT DEPEND or Need "love" or "attention" from someone else. Unfortunatley that gave me the "strength" and "emotional fortress" to spend years trying to help someone who ultimately chose drugs and homicidal behavior over growing up.
Now, I am in a place I did not intend to be. I did not intend to be in my mid thirties and be single (albeit with a beautiful savior of a daughter) and looking around at "what's left" in my age group.
Please understand, I am not a victim. I actually can't think of anything in my life that I regret to the point of wishing it hadn't happened. I have had a "VERY" life (very busy, very full, very interesting, a little dangerous, very exciting, very wonderous). Yet, I am growing weary with the notion that somehow I am "not strong enough" or something like that because I am lonely, because I miss having someone to take care of, to share with, to make future plans with. That I am somehow weak because I don't see when a guy is "just not that into me" and I get my heart broken because I BELIEVED him that we might have a future together and I REALLY liked him...
I might not be that smart in relationships (OK REALLY REALLY not smart!), I might be overly kind and forgiving, I might be "blinded" to people's faults because I choose (wrongly sometimes) to believe in them. But. I am not weak.
Just a little lonely and frustrated.
That's different.

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But you have to dust yourself off and keep going. You have no other choice.
Please don't think the good ones are all taken. There are plenty of good ones out there. You just have to be patient. When we get older it takes longer to meet the right person. But I truly believe we are wiser and will be more likely to recognize the right person.
Welcome to our board. Don't be sad for too long. There are sunnier days around the corner. Tell us more about you - what do you do? How many kids do you have?
Any man who would say that to you, is a jerk who is looking for a way out of a relationship with you. I'd tell him he needs to grow up. A man would love a woman who is so happy with yourself that she'd hop into bed with him and never place any expectations on him for a relationship. Sure, she'd be a winner; but she still wouldn't have a relationship.
I find myself envying some married couples at time, but then I realize that being married has huge drawbacks too. I would much rather be single, than trapped in a second sucky marriage.
My babysitter is doing this right now and amazing things are happening. She actually told her boyfriend last night that she is really serious about not having intercourse before she is married. And if that is all he wants then he can find someone who will give him that right now!! He said NO - he really likes her.
The best part is that they have had 4 months together now. They have really worked on their relationship - doing all sorts of fun things and talking a lot. He has started falling in love with her and is "really into her" so to speak. I don't think it would be that way if she had hopped in bed with him right away. It just gets too easy to only have sex instead of developing the relationship in the beginning.
I was also amzed that she loves herself and believes in herself enough to set boundaries and tell him if he doesn't like it he can find someone else. It is a lesson for all of us.
Her theory is that she is young (20) now and she has her whole life ahead of her. Why rush and have regrets? And she says she is certainly not going to have sex with every man she dates until she decides to marry. Too much risk with pregancy and disease.
The best thing is that his morals are very high and he really appreciates her and respects her.
You see, you can learn from anyone!! I have learned a lot watching her go through this.
Mine is I WON'T marry someone I haven't had regular sex with for a period of time. Sex is too important a part of the whole deal to be left unknown. And some guys are REALLY bad in bed. I think their sexual habits are set early on in life and you can't make a man over in that area. It's too devastating to the poor babies...
The next time around, I'll wait much longer. That means, for me, staying out of situations where we are alone in a house together. I will expect more dates where we actually do stuff together.
I have made that mistake with all of my boyfriends - although the last one I held out for a few months - mostly because he was so busy and I was looking into birth control.
Anyway, I ALWAYS confuse passion with love and then have too many expectations too soon. I believe sex can be a handicap in the beginning for sorting out the important stuff.
And yes - we do have to stay out of the tricky situations. This is easier for my babysitter because she lives at home with her family - who is wonderful. She has a lot of great activities so her whole life does not revolve around a man. She has a total take it or leave it attitude about that.
This one is so into her though - he is an example of what it looks like when they are "into you" and I am taking notes.
For example, he bought her a drink, then took it away after she had a few sips because he enjoyed talking to her so much that he wanted her to stay sober and be just the way she was, not all messed up.
Before she goes to his house he says he has to work hard - to take a shower, shave, clean his room.
Sexually he said he will only go as far as she will let him. And he is okay with her premarital sex beliefs.
He calls her every day - several times a day.
He says all the right stuff and admires her strengths.
It gives me hope!!
One of the big problems in my marriage was sex, or lack of it. He was content to not have it, and when it did happen it was very quick and not about me at all. I started to wonder if it even mattered if I was there. I could be a plastic doll and his experience would have been the same. And the plastic doll would not have complained as much as I did.
The other thing was he would not touch me unless I was wearing something silky or lacy. No cotton, period. Of course there were lots of times I'd put on something silky, and he'd still decline. Other times I'd be wearing normal things and he'd show some interest but I would have to go change before anything could happen. I ended up resenting him for it.
I did live with him before marriage but all my previous boyfriends had been jerks and he was nice. So I told myself for years that sex was not important and I focused on other aspects of our life. It was after my dd was born that things started to fall apart, but it took me 2 1/2 years to recognize it that I never had gotten and never would get what I needed from the marriage (we had other problems too, of course).
How many times have you heard a guy say sex was great before marriage and then after it just stopped, or after the baby it just stopped? Well there was me, married 9 years with a three year old baby, horny as could be and what was he up to? Playing online video games. Not again, not ever again.
I agree with the idea that holding off having sex in the begining of a relationship lets you get to know each other in other ways, and weeds out guys who want sex only; but I agree with you that sex is too important to be left unknown.
The drink thing would feel controlling to me. LOL
I realize there are better days - It's just once in a while that I allow myself to just wallow a bit (and to "tell off" in my own head - or board - the mostly kind, loving people who are just trying to help)!! Sometimes you just gotta go "BLAHHH" then you can go on being the great person that everyone else gets to see. Y'know?!
Anyhow, I work as a project manager, building commercial buildings. I train horses professionally, and run that business in my "spare" time. I have a beautiful 3 yr old daughter who is the light of my life. I own a 1928 farmhouse on 3 arcres so I have LOTS of fixing up to do!! (Right now I have friends down helping me finish my fencing, moving my tractor, building a hay building and loading 3-4 tons of hay !!! They love me so !! :)
I enjoy yoga and meditating and am considering doing practitionar seminars in NLP training. (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).
So really -- I'm not the whiney pineing type!!! Just have to vent a little sometimes... thanks lots for all the posts
(PS: It wasn't a guy who told me that and it had nothing to do with sex. It just seems like that's the common thread lately thru "self-help" type articles, books, etc. And, I did get my heart stomped on by a guy but no idea why (the communication just ended, no reason, no explaination) so that seems to be the advise of people trying to "help" me through feeling sad and depressed). No big deal -- like you said, you keep going cuz there are not any other options! :)
"I think that since I really enjoyed his company that way, it sped up my feelings for him. I believed that I loved him, when in hindsight, I didn't know much about him."
That happened to me, too. We got intimate sooner than I ever did in a relationship, and I think that hurt the relationship. We did date for 6 months, but by the end, I had fallen in love with this guy, and I probably wouldn't have had such strong feelings had we not slept together. I'm not sure because he never said, but I think that guy sensed I had strong feelings for him, he got scared, and wanted out. After we were intimate, I thought, no big deal, I can handle this. But I couldn't -- I got too attached. That's why I can't do friends with benefits. I get too attached. But that's just me. That's why when the last guy I dated only wanted friends with benefits, I said no, because I knew I wouldn't be able to pull it off, and I told him that too. I do agree that it's important to be compatible sexually, I just think that I'll wait a little longer the next time I date somebody.
Donna
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