Just a little venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Just a little venting
19
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:32pm
I just need to vent a little. If I get told by one more person that "you have to be happy and content with yourself", you have to be compeletly "self-sufficient", "know who are", be "completely comfortable in yourself and your life", basically never feel like you "need" someone, or "need" anyone elses "love, or attention or affection" to be HAPPY. Or to be the least bit attractive to a man. I might puke on their shoes.

I was very self sufficient. I was very content with "who I was". I learned from an immature, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship (a very long and sometimes happy relationship) to NOT DEPEND or Need "love" or "attention" from someone else. Unfortunatley that gave me the "strength" and "emotional fortress" to spend years trying to help someone who ultimately chose drugs and homicidal behavior over growing up.

Now, I am in a place I did not intend to be. I did not intend to be in my mid thirties and be single (albeit with a beautiful savior of a daughter) and looking around at "what's left" in my age group.

Please understand, I am not a victim. I actually can't think of anything in my life that I regret to the point of wishing it hadn't happened. I have had a "VERY" life (very busy, very full, very interesting, a little dangerous, very exciting, very wonderous). Yet, I am growing weary with the notion that somehow I am "not strong enough" or something like that because I am lonely, because I miss having someone to take care of, to share with, to make future plans with. That I am somehow weak because I don't see when a guy is "just not that into me" and I get my heart broken because I BELIEVED him that we might have a future together and I REALLY liked him...

I might not be that smart in relationships (OK REALLY REALLY not smart!), I might be overly kind and forgiving, I might be "blinded" to people's faults because I choose (wrongly sometimes) to believe in them. But. I am not weak.

Just a little lonely and frustrated.

That's different.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:11pm
I'm not sure that having sex with someone has a lot to do with "romanticizing" a relationship. I've done that in both scenarios. Whether you're having sex with him or NOT, you need to keep your eyes open and your analytical side functioning. LOOK at what he does or doesn't do, pay attention to how you really feel around him. And above all, don't be anyone but who you are when you're around him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:15pm
Sex is intercourse to her. She made him wait three dates before he even got a kiss!!

Regarding the drink - she doesn't drink. He had bought her one to try and then he took it away - in a funny manner - you had to be there. The important thing is that she felt special. He always makes her feel special.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:16pm
OH, I ask that because, if it's only intercourse she won't do, then I think that's bogus...oral is just as satisfying for a guy, as are a few other "moves"...he may even prefer those, and in that case he's not waiting for anything.

I know people who use this as a "moral guideline" and it's just phony.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:28pm
Firstamendment:

Your marriage sounds like my marriage. I was married 9 1/2 years. I wanted sex a whole lot more than he did (funny, he wan't like that when we dated). And when we did have sex, it wasn't that great, but I didn't know any better. He was the first guy I ever had sex with. I met him when I was 19 and married him at 22. It wasn't until my first relationship after my divorce that I realized what great sex was and what I had been missing all those years. I agree with you that I defintely want to know what sex is like with someone before we get married.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:31pm


my ex wanted "slam, bang, thank you ma'am" VERY often...like at least once a day...GAG...

There are a lot of guys out there like that.

I want a few relationships under my belt (and I mean that literally, LOL) before I get tied down. Each man has been different, good some ways, bad some ways...before I had nothing to compare. Now I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:47pm
What kind of horses do you train? I used to own a horse and rode dressage for a while. Now I have a bike and ride that a LOT!! :-)

Wow - a 1928 farmhouse sounds so neat - you will have to send us a picture in the gallery. I imagine that is a lot of work.

You do have a full and wonderful life. What neat interests. Yoga is so relaxing.

I am glad you joined our board. And yes, I do know your pain of loneliness. I have a full and happy life - 8 year old son, own business, into triathlons, friends, fun activities. But there is always that small empty hole in your heart when you don't have someone to love.

Maybe a cute guy will come to fix your tractor? Keep us posted for sure. I hope to hear from you more often!!

How did you meet the guy in the last relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:50pm
"my ex wanted "slam, bang, thank you ma'am" VERY often...like at least once a day...GAG...

There are a lot of guys out there like that. "

HORRORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You poor thing. I would HATE THAT! I think I would have to go hide in the closet with BOB.....(humor from one of Mel's previous posts). OMG.

But, I don't think you have to go all the way to tell how a guy will be. I think you can tell a lot from just making out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:54pm
well, making out with him was MUCH better than sex turned out to be...trust me.

The funny thing is, then when we went to counseling his big gripe was that I was abnormal becuase I didn't want sex. Well, if it's crappy, why would you want a lot of it???

LOL...stupid men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:35pm
Meagannsy:

I meant to respond to you post a while ago, but I kind of got off track talking about relationships and sex.

I wanted to respond to you because I could have written that post myself. In fact, so much of what you wrote I have thought or felt before. I really related to this part "Now, I am in a place I did not intend to be. I did not intend to be in my mid thirties and be single (albeit with a beautiful savior of a daughter) and looking around at "what's left" in my age group." Man, can I relate to that. I'll be 39 on Monday. And when I was in my 20's if anyone ever told me that when I was 40 I would be alone, raising two children, I would have thought they were nuts. I was married for 9 1/2 years to someone I thought I would be with the rest of my life. He cheated on me when I was pregnant and left when our twins were 3 months old.

"That I am somehow weak because I don't see when a guy is "just not that into me" and I get my heart broken because I BELIEVED him that we might have a future together and I REALLY liked him..." I can relate to this too. After my divorce, I was in two long-term relationships; the first guy left me and married my little sister; and the second one ended up being an abusive, controlling jerk, and I finally got the courage to throw his butt out. Everyone makes mistakes. In your defense I have to say that sometimes its hard to see that a person is not that into you especially when you love that person. It happens to everyone. It can be hard to see a situation clearly when you are in it, and much easier to see the things clearer when it has ended. That's just human nature.

"I might not be that smart in relationships (OK REALLY REALLY not smart!), I might be overly kind and forgiving, I might be "blinded" to people's faults because I choose (wrongly sometimes) to believe in them." That is exactly the way I am. And you know what, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. My sister told me that's my biggest problem, I'm kind and trusting and I expect other people to be that way, and when they aren't I get hurt. That's true. But I would still rather be kind and giving and loving than to be a nasty b**** all the time. Life's too short for that. Be kind to yourself. So what if you are kind and forgiving. That's a good thing. We just need to learn from our bad mistakes, keep our eyes open, and be ourself. I still believe in the basic fundamental that you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. I just think we have been with people who couldn't appreciate us for the way we are.

I don't know you very well, but you seem like a very nice and caring person who has a lot to offer someone. I won't tell you to have faith and be patient; (1) because other people have aready said that to you in response to your post; and (2) that's hard to do and I'm struggling with that myself right now. Patience has never been one of my strong suits, and after this last guy I dated turned out to be a total frog, my faith is shaken. But, I'm Irish, I'm a Scorpio, and I'm awnry (spelling?) and I'm not going to settle for anything less than I want. So, I guess I have to "keep pushin' on" (in the immortal words of Kevin Cronin from REO Speedwagon). I hope there will be better things out there for the both of us. There's got to be someone out there who can appreciate us for the women that we are, right?

I totally agree with you. Being lonely and frustrated is different than being weak. From what I can tell from your post, you are not weak. I think you're like me in that we listen to what other people tell us. I'm trying to develop a lot tougher skin on that issue lately. I have four sister, all of whom have had a pretty easy adult life, and they all want to give me advice on how to live my life. And my response is until you have lived a day in my life, you can't possibly tell me what to do. I have to admit, they get to me sometimes, but I'm trying to get better at blowing them off.

"because I miss having someone to take care of, to share with, to make future plans with." I think there are A LOT of people out there that want that too, me included. It's human nature to want to love and be loved. And I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting that, and it doesn't mean you are weak. Not at all. It means you are human, and are a very caring person.

As for "being happy with yourself", I think you are. You do have a "very" full life. Do you feel like everything is great, but there's just one thing missing? I was just thinking about that the other day. I also have a "very" life. And I'm happier right now that I have been at any other time in my life. I have gone through some pretty traumatic things the past 7 years, but I know that I'm stronger and smarter because of it. I love my house (even though it's a "money pit"), I adore my children, I like my job, I have a lot of outside activities. It would just be nice to have someone to share all that with, and I think you probably feel the same way.

I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. There are people out there that feel the same way you do, and get frustrated. Sometimes knowing there are people out there in a similar situation, makes you feel better. So I hope I helped a little, and I'm sorry this is so long. Like I said, I could have written your post myself. I've been there. I'm still there sometimes. All I can say is that I guess we just have to live our lives to the fullest like we have been doing, and maybe one day we'll get lucky. I really do think it's a matter of timing and luck, that's all. When I get down I play my favorite motivational song, which is "Only the Strong Survive" by REO Speedwagon. The opening line goes like this: You may not know this, but you are everthing you ever needed; heaven with a touch of New York, silver with a touch of gold and the chorus goes" . . but we'll come back alive, cuz only the strong survive". (Sorry, I'm just a music geek, I can't help it!) Any way, keep your chin up and be the great person you are. Post here when you get down and frustrated. It really does help because there's always someone out there that's "been there, done that".

Donna

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