this just makes me sad...
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| Sun, 05-08-2005 - 10:29pm |
I don't find *woman's name* physically unattractive. She's petite, and firm with yummy headlights. She's got a fun sense of humor and thinks I'm cute. That's why I'm interested in *woman's name*. I haven't made her any promises and haven't asked for any.
God, Candi why do ALL relationships have to be THE relationship?
You sound like you think men and women are alike and have the same agenda in life. Two people (or any other creatures) of different genders mating for life is more of a rarity than it is the norm. What you're looking for may or may not exist for you out there, but it will probably be the result of devine intervention or a fluke of the universe if it is. I wish you all the luck in the world.
I know you're not just waiting around for the person of your dreams. Looking can be one heck of a lot of fun too as long as one's expectations don't make one wacko.
And please forgive us males for being like we are. If we could be something else we would be.
Love you!!!!!
**************
The person who wrote above is my brother. Makes me sad that we have such different views of relationships...I guess at least he's honest about it. *sigh*

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I think that is enlightening and true.
Just out of curiosity, how old is your brother? Has he ever been married?
What do you mean you think it is true?
He's ten years older than I am...2 failed marriages and 1 failed long term relationship. He's also in his second year of NA recovery.
I don't think two human BEINGS meeting and and mating for life is abnormal. Not at all. I think that's the ideal that people strive for when they meet and are compatible. And THAT is why they marry. I don't know many people that marry PLANNING to divorce in a few years when they outgrow one another. They simply don't get married. (I think it's just very easy to get divorced)
HOWEVER, I do think he's correct in that people shouldn't be striving SO HARD to find that ultimate life time mate that every time they meet someone they start looking to see if they're "the one". Gosh, if I'd looked at Jas through those glasses, I'd have bailed after two fun weeks of dating, becuase it would have been a "waste of my time, since I am looking for a lifetime partner and he doesn't have what I need"
As it turns out, he does in most areas. I just wouldn't have stuck around to find out.
If it happens, it happens. But I don't believe in looking hard for it. I just don't. I don't think it should be the focus. Just the natural consequence of a great friendship and relationship.
I don't think it's abnormal either. When I hear people say "well, no other animals do" or "it's rare in the animal world"...well, so it's rare...some animals DO mate for life. Some of them EAT their mates when they're finished procreating, too (black widow spiders). I don't see any males advocating for that particular view of "we are like animals"... LOL!
Lots of people do mate for life.
I agree that you don't look at every person like "the one"...but I think deciding that you don't want anyone to be "the one" is just as shortsighted. My brother says he doesn't want to be married, ever. At the same time...LOL... he does want someone to be with him on his terms, permanently. WHAT is the real DIFFERENCE there?! He just wants someone to be happily NOT married to him for the rest of their lives. *giggle* *sigh*...
>>>Makes me sad that we have such different views of relationships...<<<
Why be sad? He lives his life based on his beliefs and striving for what he wants, you do the same based on your beliefs. I say good for both of you. There can't be one standard and 'right' view on relationships, because that could not possibly suit everyone out there. There cannot be one single path to fulfillment, because it just wouldn't work for all of us. Unfortunately, some people do live their lives striving for what society says they should want, not following their own heart. If he wasn't being true to himself, that would be sad. The fact he doesn't share your same views shouldn't be sad at all IMHO, he would never be happy if he did that.
Sad because his view is even more skeptical than mine, and I know he's not happy in it. If he was happy I would hear that in his emails...I don't.
I think it is true that men and women both want different things - men want sex and to enjoy the moment and women want a relationship. Now as I posted in another post, there are no absolutes in love so of course there are exceptions to this. But I think most men are not as commitment and is-this-the-one minded as women are initially - but they are quite capable of falling in love and making a commitment.
Don't be sad - you have done so so much - think of all you have done since your divorce. You had the guts to get out of an unhappy marriage after so many years and to raise your children alone (how many women your age can say that?). You are pursuing a higher degree with your education, you are doing karate and you have been getting dating experience and even a lot of enlightenment from reading about dating and participating on this board. You have also been very smart/disciplined in dealing with Trav. And you were very smart in the way you handled the Kenyan and the church people. You are on the right path. Unfortunately you just have to be patient.
Patience is tough - I am also in the patience boat....
Patience SUCKS!!! LOL I'm very much an impulsive-DO something! kind of person.
I think men and women want the same things with perhaps a little different balance.
So the equation would look like this in what's important, but all of them are over 50 percent in importance for people who are looking for a partner.
Men
commitment 70%
love 75%
SEX 100%
women
commitment 90%
love 99%
Sex 85%
And everyone's percentages will vary, not all men or women are exactly alike. Like my sex percentage would be more like 95%.
Like my brother...he wants commitment, but not legally binding. He wants someone who loves him and thinks he's cool, and he wants SEX.
He thinks he wants something very different, but I don't really think he does.
Make sense?
>>>He thinks he wants something very different, but I don't really think he does. Make sense?<<<
Yes, that makes sense
Patience does suck!! But I feel it is the best thing - to really know what you want and not to waste time or to settle. It seems that since we are older there are far and few between prospects for us - we sure don't want to be in the wrong place with the wrong person when one would come along.
I read somewhere that the women who are the happiest in their relationships are that way because they know what they need, they don't settle and they are willing to spend a lot of time alone waiting for the right person.
In the mean time, it is okay to flirt with the delivery guy and to study Japanese!!
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