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| Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:30pm |
Hey everybody!
My son is 11 months old today!! He wants to walk really bad and stands, takes a step and rolls himself back on the floor, lol. He crawls really fast everywhere he can get, lol.
He says, "Hi." And calls me "Dad," lol. He's in a Montessori school and is learning Spanish and Chinese as he's learning English, lol.
And I'm back to work, managing a chemistry lab. The last time I posted here, I was laid off and staying home with him. It was a GREAT blessing, because I got to stay home with him for six months. He was nine months when I went back to work. I also got a MUCH better job with way, way better bosses!!
I've had a full plate lately, because I have to commute across town to get to work. I live in the Atlanta area and it takes me 70 minutes to drop him off at daycare and 90 minutes to make the trip back. So I've gone from sleeping in with Keither to getting up at 5:30 to make it to work on time, lol.
The first month was really hard and I've never been in management before. Plus, our company is a brand new company and isn't even ISO certified or registered yet! We're shooting for full production by December 1st. We won't be certified for several months, because there's TONS of paperwork involved!!
So I have to go learn how to certify a lab, to help my boss. Just got back from a business trip to learn how to use all the equipment. We still have to finish ordering everything and I have to train a new lab tech when the lab is up and running. I'll have more lab techs working under me and we'll be running 24/7 eventually.
I've been alone since my ex bf, my baby's father left. I was getting so much support from my friends last year that I always felt loved and never spent too much time alone.
But since I got this job, all my friends have left my life! I'm a recovering alcoholic and they were all in AA. If they couldn't control me, or feel sorry for me, they just didn't want to associate with me anymore! I have a GREAT sponsor and she's the only one who's stuck by me!
She said the new friends are coming, but I'm just making space in my life for them. When I wasn't working, I took the baby and went to meetings almost everynight. Now, I can only go on the weekends.
I try to call my old friends, but they don't call me back! I think I'm better off without them. And I really don't have anything in common with them anymore, because I'm changing so much for the better. I'm getting less and less like Meg Ryan and more and more like Jody Foster, lol.
But when I have free time, I've been finding myself feeling very resentful, angry and abandoned. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm going through a great healing process and finding my independence and myself.
I pray and meditate every chance I get. I count my blessings and have found great happiness in my new job!! I REALLY enjoy the work and the people I work with!! This job has been my first real chance at success! They want to put me in technical sales when everything is all settled!
But none of my old friends are happy for me!! The good thing is that my family and I have been closer than ever!! I talk to them all the time and have great conversations.
They all LOVE to hear about Keither and getting pix of him!! I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM!! HE LOOKS LIKE THE GERBER BABY!!
With all the old friends gone, there's this big space in my life.
I work around mostly men, but I was around all women when I was home with the baby. So it's kind of triggering my love addiction. Plus, I met my baby's father this time of year and that was the last time I was in love. So I'm really starting to miss it.
But I'm not ready for a relationship. If someone wanted to date me, I would be really flattered and tempted to go out. But I don't want sex for a long, long time!! I still have baby weight on me and it's all in my belly, lol. I'm normal everywhere else, but if I put on a maternity shirt, people would be opening doors for me, lol!
Change is a hard thing to go through. Sometimes, you can feel on top of the world!! But there's loss involved. You find that old habits no longer suit you and you lose people you love. It's like a process of saying goodbye and hello at the same time! The new beginning is the Hello part and that's what I live for everyday! I just keep telling myself, "Keep your eye on the prize!"
I just have to keep thinking of the other side to all of this. I will be jumping for joy once I'm adjusted and healed.
But I TRULY believe the right guy is coming for me!! I just keep turning all that over to God and focusing on what's in front of me.
There's ALOT I need to change right now before I'm ready for a man, lol. The last thing I need is a guy telling me what to eat and taking me to the gym, lol. I want to be doing all that in my own time, when I'm ready to.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Feel free to share your opinions. Sorry this was so long!
Love and hugs,
SK

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SK,
Sounds like some congratulations are in order!
Alison,
I remember you from the last time I posted! I felt really connected to you!
My "muse" Bono from U2's wife's name is Alison. I LOVE THAT NAME!!
YOU'RE SO SWEET!! THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!!
And here I am focusing on all the bad! I don't like getting up at 5:30 and have to pray to God to get up, lol. That's my biggest problem right now is staying up too late. But I'm working out of the house tomorrow, so I can sleep until 8, before I take Keither to school.
And you're right about my old friends. They served their purpose in my life. Just like Keither's dad did.
He was the vehicle for my beautiful little angel. Maybe that's why he was such a sex freak with me, lol.
I want to email you some pix, because I'm so proud of him!!
The right man will come, when I'm ready. I just keep turning it over to God. God can do a much better job at choosing a man for me than I ever could, lol!
Things will get better. I just have to take it a day at a time.
Will keep you posted on everything!
Hugs,
SK (Michelle)
ps. Sunday Kitty was my calico cat. She died of pancreatitus last year, when I was pregnant with Keith. Keither LOVES cats and spends his Friday nights with four Siamese cats. So I'm going to get him a kitty when he's ready :).
PS, YOU'RE SWEET PEA IS GORGEOUS!! I BET YOU'RE VERY PROUD OF HIM!!
Love and hugs,
Michelle
Michelle,
Thanks, I think my son is a cutie too!
Alison,
A lot's going on with my job. It's taking most of my time, but it's been affecting my health. It's more my thinking than anything else. I just blow things way out of proportion sometimes.
I've really been missing having a man lately, but it's just my neediness. It's been 19 months since I had a date. And this past weekend was when I met Newt four years ago. I don't like the way it turned out, but I miss how it was in the beginning.
When I'm out and about, I've been seeing a lot of gorgeous guys! But I don't think I'm what they want. Not in these glasses, lol. I need to order some contacts, so I can at least feel pretty again. There's a lot I need to change about myself before I'm ready for a relationship. I need to work on adjusting to all this CHANGE!
It'll get better though. I just have to focus on my son and my career and take life one day at a time.
Thanks again for your support!
Hugs,
Michelle
Michelle,
You're being your WORST best friend right now!
Dear SK-
I kind of know what you are going through. My life changed dramatically with the birth of my son too. Not only did I lose all my friends and b/f, and move, I also started a new job, and went back to school. It's tough and lonely. One thing that got me through all of it was the realization that I was making myself a better person, and in so doing, was improving the life of my little boy. The friends and significant others come when you are ready for them. If they coem back too soon you will be tempted to go back to your old way of life, which is usually not a productive one.
I've always been a little religious, and have often reminded myself that there is a reason things happen, and that when the right time comes, doors will be opened.
Hang in there. Life will calm down soon, I promise.
Tonihan
Thanks Alison,
I DO smile a lot and have a lot of fun talking to men! But I think it's a transition thing, because I'm not attracting the same kinds of men I've always been used to.
I'm attracting more mature, sophisticated, secure men. They're so serious! I've always attracted intelligent men, but they've always been kind of sexist towards me, and controlling! But now, SOME REALLY NICE GUYS have been paying attention to me!!
I'm really not a negative person at all!! I think I was just feeling sorry for myself the last time I posted.
Through all this change, my moods and feelings change by the hour! And I'm a Cancer, too, so my moods change with the phases of the moon, lol.
But I have A LOT of fun when I'm around people, especially at work right now!! And I LOVE to get out and about!!! I just have some intimacy issues to contend with right now. As long as I don't get too close, I can have a great time with anybody!!
I'm just going through some loneliness right now, because I've lost a lot of friends that aren't there for me. So I'm getting over some serious hurt with that.
My friends have all been in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I can't get to very many meetings right now.
I need a sitter. I take Keither on Saturday nights and they love having him!! And my sponsor watches him on Friday nights, so I can get out. But as long as I can get to a meeting, the support is there! I'm just not very close to them, but I do think they think about me and care for me.
My disease just tells me that people don't care about me. But the friends that have called me are really sick in love addiction or newly sober. I get really sick of being blown off by them until they call me back when they have nothing better to do. And dump all their stuff on me. I don't have much to give right now, because I haven't been sober very long.
Plus, my friends in AA have been really controlling and codependent. It's AMAZING when you get your life together and start solving your own problems, how the control freaks JUST disappear!! NONE of them call me anymore or even TALK to me at meetings!!
The new ones are coming though and I have a lot of faith in that!! AND THE MAN IS COMING!! I just have to get ready, by taking care of myself, for the right reasons, and to be a good mother to The Keither.
The friends I've had served their purpose in my life. I've always had friends that would be there for me when I was down and out, but disappeared from my life when I overcame problems and moved forward.
My life is going through GREAT change right now, so I'm in the process of letting go of some old, negative ideas. I wore thick, coke bottle glasses in jr high and in high school, but felt like a different person in contacts!! I have very small eyes, so you can't see them when I'm in glasses, especially thick ones, lol. So it's just me. I've always felt ugly in glasses, but others can look GREAT in them!! I only do when I wear lots of eye shadow and lipstick, lol.
I'm in the process of combining the two sides to myself that I've always kept separate. I'm trying to learn how to be "brainy and beautiful" at the same time, lol.
At work and in school by day, I was this preppy, studious "nerdlike" character who was the girl-next-door. But by night, I was a "sex kitten." It's toxic shame and toxic guilt issues. I went to counseling for 18 years, but I really want to go back. I hung out with graduate students by day and a really wild crowd by night, lol.
My sister wears glasses and NO makeup and is GORGEOUS!!! She attracts men like CRAZY and has all male friends that she does fun things with!!
She's REALLY smart, but street smart and "hands on" smart. She would've made a GREAT mechanical engineer, because she ALWAYS loved to put things together and take them apart, lol. She put my stroller, my high chair and all my baby stuff together when she was here. But she's never been a numbers person, or a books person.
Our dad was both, so we inherited each part, lol.
My real dad is a GENIUS!! He's an electrical engineer for Westinghouse and he's been for a long, long time!! I'll have to tell you the story about him sometime, lol.
HE COULD DO RUBIK'S CUBES in MINUTES when they were really in!! And when I was five (I was the only one who bonded with him), he would give me "Mind Boggler" types of things to do. And I could do them!! I was always good at math and science and walked and talked at nine months!!
I WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS LOVE MY DAD EVEN IF I NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!!! I haven't seen him since 1988 and my sister turned him against me, because she hated him. She got that from my mom, but I didn't buy it. She told him off and he never had anything more to do with us since.
My aunt sees him from time to time on the Reservation in Canada, because he owns a house there, which he rents out. He lives in Toronto.
She told him that I was a chemical engineer and he was PROUD!! I NEED TO TRY TO FIND HIM!! I don't know if he knows he's another grand dad, but I REALLY do want to reach him!! BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS LOVED HIM!!
He looks like a cross between Jeff Goldblum and Michael Landon, so Michael Landon was my FANTASY dad, lol. I think that's why I've always idealized the men I've been with. And fell in love so fast and ended up disappointed. Newt was so much like both my parents!!
I bonded with my dad, but my sister didn't. Because I spent time with him throughout my childhood and teens, but my sister didn't. He took me to fancy places and sent me to fancy places with his credit card. He was VERY generous with his money and the last I heard, he helped a guy out BIG TIME and helped him get on his feet.
I just didn't believe all the stuff my mom said about him. And I was more like a Miller and had connected better with them. I think it was the math and science stuff, because my Grandma Miller was a schoolteacher. She said that my dad used to do physics homework on his belly on the bed, just like I did, lol.
But my sister is GOLDEN!! She's been a single mom since her divorce in 1996. She was married less than a year and left an abusive husband, who IS the Devil!!! SHE HATED being married and always loved her freedom. She left men at the alter and would skip town, because she hated committment. SHE WAS JULIA ROBERTS!!!
But she used and abused me a lot, throughout our relationship. She had her dark side, but I'm learning to deal with it. THE BABY IS REALLY REALLY HEALING OUR RELATIONSHIP!!
She's a VERY powerful and DYNAMIC woman and she's in management, too. She's a Lead Chef and manages a restaurant at Disney World. I'm the Lead QC Engineer at my company.
She's FUNNY AS HECK and could care LESS about what she looks like!! She's my role model right now and is SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME, lol! I'm learning a lot from her, but I'm NOTHING like her, even though we're both Cancers. She was always a bully and I was a victim. She's helping me learn how to assert myself, lol.
We lost touch in our 20s (she's a year younger than me and was a beauty queen in high school). She was very popular and part of the "in crowd" and I was a misfit, lol. I was in the Youth Symphony, an honor student, in the choir and took honor's courses in English and math and science. But I was in the "burnout" crowd, too.
I had a wild side, because of my drinking. All my friends were in a rock band (but they were all nerds, lol, but my bf was a "sexy nerd," who was SO MUCH like Beck, lol).
I had ALL kinds of friends from different social groups. I would go on hay rides with the choir on some nights and go listen to band practice on other nights (when I drank a lot, lol). And I would go to Junior Achievement on other nights. I was in a String Orchestra at Western Reserve Acadamy on one night and I would just PLAY THE PIANO when I got home from school to JUST LET LOOSE!!
It didn't bother my sis. She would just watch her re-run shows and block me out, lol. I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH HER WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER!! It was all that hurt, that pain of abandonment that came in our 20s. But she was limited, and she was going through her own stuff. I miss those days though.
This Polymer company was SO interested in sending me to school in high school!! SO I REALLY THINK THAT OUR LIVES KIND OF GEL TOGETHER, THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS ABOUT THE BIG PICTURE!!
I should've MARRIED my high school sweetheart!! HE WAS THE BEST!! He was BECK!! But I did so many bad things, because I couldn't settle down. He left me because of my drinking and tried to come back, but I found someone else.
He had a HARD time getting over it, and abused Ativan and drank a lot.
And he ended up marrying the nurse that he tried to make me jealous over, lol. This fat, little nurse who liked to cook. They had children later, so I'm told, when I ran into his little brother, who I was drinking with, lol.
So I was that different person, at night. That's a quality I got from my dad. He was an alcoholic and he was an Aries, Dennis Quaid (who is an Aries) when he was sober, but very aggressive and violent when drunk.
My sister was a majorette and an art student. BUT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS!!! We used to go to ALL KINDS of fun stuff together!! Especially in the fall!! I need to call her tonight!!
I got a full scholarship to Dartmouth College, but I got really sick with bipolar disorder and she couldn't deal with it. She applied the next year and got rejected, so that's when the competition began. We've ALWAYS had sibling rivalry between us!!
I took a medical leave and went to the University of Akron, which turned out to be PERFECT for me now!!! So tell all the people on your board that things DO get better, by GELLING together!! IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD!!
I got a degree in chemical engineering, and haved worked as a polymer chemist. And now I'm working for a rubber company!! AKRON OHIO IS THE RUBBER CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!!
I have to do business in Akron, and my parents live in an upscale town 20 minutes away from there! And my company is so good that they let me take Keither with me, so I can stay with my mom!!! They REALLY care about Keither and ask about him all the time!! Even the Chairman of the Board!!
For years, I was in and out of the hospital and smy sister was in and out of the bars and all over the world!! I was trying to overcome alcoholism, too, and she was living it up as a cocktail waitress!!
She was NEVER there for me then, and HATED being in the same room with me. I was sober for two years and engaged to a WONDERFUL man!! I was really into being "good" and "perfect."
She HATED me then, because she swore like a sailor and couldn't STAND it if she wasn't the center of attention.
But we're on the same path again. Keither is REALLY REALLY healing our relationship!! SHE LOVES HIM TO DEATH!!!
We're both single moms, we're both in management and we're both trying to cope with being on our own. And we have so much FUN when we talk!!! She wanted me to drive down to Florida for Thanksgiving, but I really need the time to relax, get organized and get focused. And she's been tired, too.
I know this is ALOT, so take it at your leisure. I was just venting. I'm really busy and have a lot to do, so I'm not just feeling sorry for myself.
But thanks for listening!!
SK
THANKS SO MUCH TONIHAN!!
Those were some SERIOUS KIND WORDS, LOL!! From a person who's been there!!
I think babies, especially sons, can REALLY CHANGE A WOMAN'S LIFE!! But our babies are ANGELS to us and they teach us how to change our lives for the better!!
My son, Keith, touched his teacher's life at Montessori school today. She just had her first chemo treatment and he comforted her the whole afternoon after that!! She gave me a big hug and said he was a beautiful spirit!! He's my angel and GREAT things have been happening to us since he was born, and I hope they do for her, too.
When I improve my lifestyle, which I INTEND TO, this weekend, I want to make a better life for my son. I want to get everything cleaned, organized and all sorted out, so I can feel more in control and less stressed about my life. Everything's been SO CHAOTIC since I started my new job in September!!
I spent some time with Keith last night, on the couch, while he was playing with toys. He loved it and had a better time going to sleep, even though he's very independent. He's a Sagittarius, so he's very different from me, although I was very independent as a child.
He NEEDS that!! So I need to spend more time with HIM and less time on the computer, and stewing in my own stuff!!
But Alison is right. The more time I take out for myself, the more time I will have for him!!
I pray alot, for 15 minutes in the morning before work. And I pray and meditate for an hour at lunch, and ALWAYS feel better in the afternoon, no matter how late I stayed up the night before. And I pray for an hour when we get home, while he lays down. AND IT GIVES ME ENERGY!!
He sleeps and he's quiet during those times. I can get a hot bath in for myself, and then bathe him. I got this really nurturing bath soap that can soothe him. He doesn't eat much, because he eats a lot at daycare, but he always goes to bed with a bottle. But he LOVES to spend time with me before he goes to bed.
All this prayer and meditation is guiding me in the right direction. I'm finding friends who have great suggestions.
But thanks for your support!! I got A LOT of phonecalls tonight and have good plans for the Holiday Weekend. And PLENTY of time to relax!!
There's SO MUCH I NEED TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF for me to be a good mom!! I pray for the courage and strength to give Keither what he needs and God gives it to me EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
I Hate GETTING UP AT SIX TO GO TO WORK EVERYDAY!! But I have a routine for that, lol. From very many trials and errors over the last 8 weeks. When I was working before I had him, I got up at 7:30, so I was really rested all the time.But I have to drive ACROSS TOWN to get to work everyday!!
But no how tired or stressed I am, I take care of him. And I feel SO MUCH BETTER once he's fed, bathed and changed!! I have to pray for the courage and strength to get up and do it though. I feel like such a bad mom, because of that.
He got his school pix today and HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE HIS DAD!! It was the expression in his face. He has almost blonde hair and BEAUTIFUL blue eyes, but he has my features.
I'm half Native American and half Irish, English and Scottish, but Keither's dad was all Scottish. I'm very dark and exotic looking, I look Brazilian, but very Indian. And Keither's very pale, but he has my lips and nose.
I'M SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH HIM!!! My soul mate looks JUST LIKE KEITHER!!
I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFESTYLE, to match my new life and be a better mom to The Keither (as my stepdad calls him, lol).
But if I stay a workaholic and a stress addict, I don't think I will do very well. We don't have any insurance, 'til Jan 1st, so when he's gotten sick, I have to pay the money. I have a good job, but it's a drain. I just keep praying and finding ways to deal with it.
I've been battling with insomnia and overcoming bipolar disorder. So I'm going without my meds. I have more energy and need less sleep, but my friends and family are worried about me. My mom and my friends said they could help me with the medical bills, but I'm trying to stick it out as much as I can.
We'll be covered the first of the year though. I can pay the money for Keith. But I'm sticking it out for now, but suffering, because of pride, and trying too hard to be strong.
I want to be off all those pills FOR GOOD eventually!! I go to a healer/acupuncurist when I have the money and she helps me A LOT!! She said that I will be feeling better by the end of December, but I have to work at it. So that includes all the bad foods!!
I haven't had much of an apetite lately though.
But she said that THE MAN IS COMING THE FIRST OF THE YEAR!! So maybe I'm getting ready for it. I have my eye on A LOT of guys lately!!
I've been dreaming a lot of Newt, my baby's father lately, and last weekend was difficult.
Because that was the weekend we first met, four years ago. AND HE TOTALLY SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET!! I've been finding myself just WISHING that it would happen again!!
Weight and looks issues were big for me then, but he ERASED ALL OF THAT!! HE WAS SO IN LOVE WITH ME!! It just blew my mind, but it's not happening now.
And Bono, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE was in town last weekend!! The radio played U2 music ALL WEEKEND and I got LOST IN FANTASY!! It's not him, IT'S THE MUSIC HE MAKES!! AND THE EDGE IS A WIZARD IN THE GUITAR AND THE KEYBOARDS!! I JUST ABOUT DIED!! I just played the radio all night and let them sing me to sleep!
I'm weird, because I LOVE U2!! I know that Bono is a lot to take, and he's very up close and personal. But I UNDERSTAND him!! AND I ADORE HIS WIFE!! I'VE LOVED U2 SINCE I WAS 16!!
All their songs have represented a part of my life. I kind of grew up with them and I'll be playing their music when I'm in nursing home, when Keither is taking care of me, lol!!
No matter how old I am, I will ALWAYS LOVE HARD HEAVY ROCK MUSIC!! Maybe that's why I don't need wrinkle cream and I'm almost 40!! Naw, I'm like my mom. She's 60 and looks 40 and is GORGEOUS!! So is my sister!! IT'S BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEIR LIVES!!! AND I LOVE MY LIFE!!!
But thanks for your input. I'll make it through. Just needed kind words. So I don't feel so "alone." We all need human love, in addition to godly, spiritual love. The guides come to us in our dreams and in our prayers, but sometimes, we need to hear solid words.
Thanks for listening to my stuff!
Love and hugs,
SK
Michelle,
I hope you're very proud of all your accomplishments, school, carreer, parenthood and battling alcoholism.
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