Just need some feedback

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Just need some feedback
15
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:30pm

Hey everybody!

My son is 11 months old today!! He wants to walk really bad and stands, takes a step and rolls himself back on the floor, lol. He crawls really fast everywhere he can get, lol.

He says, "Hi." And calls me "Dad," lol. He's in a Montessori school and is learning Spanish and Chinese as he's learning English, lol.

And I'm back to work, managing a chemistry lab. The last time I posted here, I was laid off and staying home with him. It was a GREAT blessing, because I got to stay home with him for six months. He was nine months when I went back to work. I also got a MUCH better job with way, way better bosses!!

I've had a full plate lately, because I have to commute across town to get to work. I live in the Atlanta area and it takes me 70 minutes to drop him off at daycare and 90 minutes to make the trip back. So I've gone from sleeping in with Keither to getting up at 5:30 to make it to work on time, lol.

The first month was really hard and I've never been in management before. Plus, our company is a brand new company and isn't even ISO certified or registered yet! We're shooting for full production by December 1st. We won't be certified for several months, because there's TONS of paperwork involved!!

So I have to go learn how to certify a lab, to help my boss. Just got back from a business trip to learn how to use all the equipment. We still have to finish ordering everything and I have to train a new lab tech when the lab is up and running. I'll have more lab techs working under me and we'll be running 24/7 eventually.

I've been alone since my ex bf, my baby's father left. I was getting so much support from my friends last year that I always felt loved and never spent too much time alone.

But since I got this job, all my friends have left my life! I'm a recovering alcoholic and they were all in AA. If they couldn't control me, or feel sorry for me, they just didn't want to associate with me anymore! I have a GREAT sponsor and she's the only one who's stuck by me!

She said the new friends are coming, but I'm just making space in my life for them. When I wasn't working, I took the baby and went to meetings almost everynight. Now, I can only go on the weekends.

I try to call my old friends, but they don't call me back! I think I'm better off without them. And I really don't have anything in common with them anymore, because I'm changing so much for the better. I'm getting less and less like Meg Ryan and more and more like Jody Foster, lol.

But when I have free time, I've been finding myself feeling very resentful, angry and abandoned. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm going through a great healing process and finding my independence and myself.

I pray and meditate every chance I get. I count my blessings and have found great happiness in my new job!! I REALLY enjoy the work and the people I work with!! This job has been my first real chance at success! They want to put me in technical sales when everything is all settled!

But none of my old friends are happy for me!! The good thing is that my family and I have been closer than ever!! I talk to them all the time and have great conversations.

They all LOVE to hear about Keither and getting pix of him!! I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM!! HE LOOKS LIKE THE GERBER BABY!!

With all the old friends gone, there's this big space in my life.

I work around mostly men, but I was around all women when I was home with the baby. So it's kind of triggering my love addiction. Plus, I met my baby's father this time of year and that was the last time I was in love. So I'm really starting to miss it.

But I'm not ready for a relationship. If someone wanted to date me, I would be really flattered and tempted to go out. But I don't want sex for a long, long time!! I still have baby weight on me and it's all in my belly, lol. I'm normal everywhere else, but if I put on a maternity shirt, people would be opening doors for me, lol!

Change is a hard thing to go through. Sometimes, you can feel on top of the world!! But there's loss involved. You find that old habits no longer suit you and you lose people you love. It's like a process of saying goodbye and hello at the same time! The new beginning is the Hello part and that's what I live for everyday! I just keep telling myself, "Keep your eye on the prize!"

I just have to keep thinking of the other side to all of this. I will be jumping for joy once I'm adjusted and healed.

But I TRULY believe the right guy is coming for me!! I just keep turning all that over to God and focusing on what's in front of me.

There's ALOT I need to change right now before I'm ready for a man, lol. The last thing I need is a guy telling me what to eat and taking me to the gym, lol. I want to be doing all that in my own time, when I'm ready to.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Feel free to share your opinions. Sorry this was so long!

Love and hugs,

SK

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 6:21pm

Lol, Thanks Alison!

It's funny how the closest family members we have are from so different signs!! It's even funnier when we end up with men like that! Keither's dad is a Gemini, who would always make a Cancer feel insecure. I think it's all for learning purposes and to make us stronger.

Keither loved it when I snuggled him up on cozy blankets and just played with him on the couch. Sagittarians and Cancers end up being best friends and close family connections. I think it's because Sags LOVE having someone to come "home" to.

He does REALLY well without me, but when I pick him up from daycare, he's so happy to see me that he laughs and cries at the same time! He has a moon in Aquarius and my mom is an Aquarius, so those two are super duper close!!

You're right about my dad. He's an Aries, the LEAST compatible sign with Cancers, but I've always, always loved him and have been so proud of him!! And I love he loves me, too :). He used to pamper me so much throughout my childhood and teens. He would come to see us when we were toddlers and bring GIANT bags of M and M's, lol.

I think he would love to hear from me! So I need to reach him, and I've tried, but David Miller is SUCH a common name in Canada! I have my aunt's email address, so I need to reach her. HE WOULD LOVE KEITHER!!!

His mom, my Grandma Miller is passed, but she was very, very British. Keither looks SO SCOTTISH and he has blond hair and blue eyes. His school pix looked so much like his daddy's!! I've been missing Newt so much, but what we had.

He was everything I've ever wanted physically, but he could never figure out what he wanted. There was always the threat of losing him. I'm SO MUCH better off without him, because I don't need all that unpredictability. He was a Gemini, so he was constantly losing interest.

I've been VERY very sick this holiday weekend. I have a BAD cold and I've been going without my bipolar meds, because I have no insurance 'til January. But when I called the pharmacy today, the old insurance paid for my old meds, so that's AWESOME!!

When I stopped working yesterday, it all caught up with me! Just this NASTY sinus headache that Tylenol won't help. And coughing, sneezing and so much PAIN!! In my ears, my glands and my sinuses. I couldn't sleep last night or Wednesday night, because of this crazy, racing mind!! But I should be okay tonight.

My AA sponsor is keeping the baby so I can get to a meeting. We had Thanksgiving dinner yesterday and this really wonderful guy joined us!! He wasn't my type though, because I could just SEE the kinds of women he liked. He was a cop and all he talked about were these Barbie Dolls that he was married to, who just wanted money. Too much baggage for me, lol.

I really, really liked him though, but as a male friend. He was a good guy, who LOVES HIS KIDS!!

I've always loved cops, but have never been with them, because they seem really controlling. Scientists are my IDEAL, but I've always been with engineers, who seem really cold, but EXTREMELY attractive to me!!

But I need to go. I promised my sponsor I would make her an apple pie, and I need to get ready for the meeting. She's very sick, too, but is keeping Keither for me. She's from Germany, so SHE'S TOUGH AS NAILS!!! But very, very kind and warmhearted. I want to do something SUPER NICE for her when my finances allow for it!!

My friends are all blond and blue eyed and they look more like Keither, lol. Keither has BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES and light brown hair! That cop from last night said he was perfect and that any father of him is really missing out!!

But I'm dark, half Anglo and half Native American. So that kind of blows my mind, lol. Keither has a LOT of Scottish blood and in his school pix, HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DAD!!

I miss him so much and need to see him soon. The night I gave birth to him and during the showers we had, IT THE CLOSEST THING TO GETTING MARRIED!! The U2 song, "City of Blinding Lights" from the CD, "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" IS MY SONG TO MY ANGEL!!

I've been thinking of Newt all day, but I just miss what we had. I know he doesn't love us, and I'm really sorry it didn't work out. Part of me really wants another guy to come along and sweep me off my feet and change my life, like Newt did.

Well, I'd better get. Thanks so much for your support! I'll let you know how everything goes!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Love and hugs,

SK

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 6:28pm

Hi SK,

I am just getting caught up on this thread. Welcome to our board. You sound like a warm and sweet person who has come a long way in your life. I think you deserve a lot of credit for that. Your story is inspirational for us.

Keep up the good work - you are very right on your statement about that cop and his barbie doll wives. Good eye/ear!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 1:51am

Thanks Judy!

I am VERY, very honored to hear from you!! You REALLY HAVE IT GOING!! You're a WOMAN OF THE WORLD!! YOU'RE SO SO STRONG AND INDEPENDENT!! You are so much like my mom!!!

She left a wifebeater, my dad, when I was a year old and she was pregnant with my
sister. My dad wanted her to be barefoot and pregnant and a housewife. But she hated it and wanted out.

When she left him, she had my sis and then went to work as a nurses's aid full time, while she went to college full time. She was 20 years old and ALWAYS wanted to go to college, even though she came from a poor family.

And she ended up getting scholarships, because she was a valedictorian in high school!! Very very smart, an Aquarius!!

She's really good in math and science, but would never admit it, because she hates my dad, who was an engineer, lol. She likes to think of herself as more of an artist, lolol. She does math in her head all the time though, lol. With recipes.

She didn't date until she graduated from college, when I was five.

AND SHE WAS THE BEST BEST MOM THEN!!!! All I can think of during those years were "The Grinch!" And that brunette hair!! She looked so much like Mary Tyler Moore!

She made cookies for Santa Claus and made her own clothes for us!! She liked to cook and sew. And when we tried on our clothes and posed for her, she would say, "How pretty!"

She wanted Keith, my son, to be a little girl!! Someday, lol. I want to have more kids, when I find the right guy.

She started in college, as a home ec major, but then ended up being a dietician and went to school for two more years for that.

Then she got a really great job and was a career woman after that! She worked for big companies, like Rich's and Durkee, and Nestle's.

But it got hard for me, because I needed her so much, once we got away from my Grandma. And she was a workaholic. But it made me stronger. My "Bam" REALLY REALLY MADE MY CHILDHOOD, bur we moved from NY to Ohio. She died this past July and my life has been nothing but chaos since. I think she really really affected my life.

My mom was kind of cold and abusive, when I struggled through bipolar disorder. I had a full scholarship from Dartmouth College when I was 18 and that's when it all went downhill from there. My sister was too busy in the bars to be there for me.

She has always pushed me to the limit, and even though I hated it, it was good for me.

But since Keither has come about, he healed our relationship. She's so much more supportive and loving. I think it's because she's living the life of her dreams!!

She's with a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL MAN who takes her on fancy trips, buys her diamonds and furs and TRULY appreciates her for the women she is. And they really, really love each other!!

She still pushes me, and I don't like it. I've been FIGHTING a sinus infection for the last month. And I've gone with no meds, for my bipolar disorder. I've "catnapped" all night for the last two months, and it's not good. I'm not tired, but I still don't think it's healthy.

She favors my sister, because my sister is GORGEOUS, POWERFUL AND DYNAMIC!! My sister has ENDLESS MOTIVATION AND IS GO GO GO!! But I really think my sister is manic. She talks SO FAST when I call her and sleeps very little. My mom has always been in denial about my sister's alcoholism or mental problems. I think it's because those two have been so much a like.

I'm really mad at my mom tonight. Because she doesn't believe I've been as sick as I am. My ears hurt, my glands hurt, my sinuses hurt, but my sponsor has been pushing me all weekend, to get to a meeting and keep going. My sponsor is from Germany, so she's very tough, although loving.

But I come from a LONG line of tough, Native American women. And I'm NOTHING LIKE THAT!! I DON'T BELIEVE GOING TO MY GRAVE, PROVING TO THE WORLD HOW TOUGH I AM!!

I work hard, and I get a lot done, but I TAKE BREAKS!! I have a degree in chemical engineering, something that my family never had. On top of being bipolar and a recovering alcoholic!!! I don't think mu family prays. I think they're all just going on SELF WILL!!

I pray ALOT to keep going and I truly believe that I am NOTHING without God. That's something my family just doesn't get. I've had such a heavier load than them, and when I'm feeling bad, they're the LAST people I need to call!

I'm nothing like them!! Because I'm not afraid to ask for help, from GOD!

They can do their own stuff. I just need to love and accept them as thehy are. Keither is really helping me with that, but IT'S CHALLENGING!!

Thanks for listening. I think you would like my mom and sister better. As for me, I need to seek out more Earth and Water signs. I'm just different, but I can reach the same goals. I'm just different.

Thanks,

SK

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 3:12am
Hi, I have a 9 wk old daughter and lately I have been seriously thinking of leaving her father. He financially takes care of everything, BUT emotionally he is worthless. Basically I would be happier raising her alone...he holds me back from being happy. Anyway, I came to this site to see what other single moms have to say, I sometimes feel like no real good man will want me when I have a child, especially so young...like why would they want to deal with that, I think it will be hard to date. It is nice to hear that a single mom like yourself is taking care of business, and staying strong. It is giving me more hope in my situation. Good Luck in the future!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 2:06am

Hey Nikki!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW BABY GIRL!!! Is she your first? Was she early? Was she breech? Are you breasting or bottling? How is the new adjustment going?

Are you home or working?

Keither was 3 weeks early and breech the whole time. The doctor was waiting to see if he would turn around and it was so funny! We waited through the whole pregancy for him to turn around and he never did, lol.

He said in our last appointment, "I can turn him around this Tuesday, but don't worry. It's not like you're going to have the baby on the way home today. You're a little dialated, but not much."

He was this REALLY FUNNY Jewish guy, who cracked jokes the whole time I saw him! He talked just like that salesman that was on Fred Flinstone cartoons, lolol. The guys that said, "WEEELLLL, may I help you??"

That was 11 am and my water broke at 5 pm that afternoon, lol!! And Keith was born 11:41 pm that night, lololol. My mom flew in THAT MORNING to take me to see him!! SO HE WAS WAITING FOR HER!!

I was ready to have him at 6 that night, but I HAD to go get gourmet pizza with my mom and best friend, lol. We had plans that night and I knew I couldn't get any good food for a while after that. Plus, I wasn't sure that I my water broke so I had to get to the hospital.

So I'm sitting there in the restaurant, in labor, lol, but just wincing. It felt like a really bad bachache, but it wasn't that bad. It would last for about 30 seconds every 5 minutes.

My mom told the waitress, "Can we make this quick? She's in labor." And the waitress got all panicky, lololol. IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!!!

We got to the hospital around 8:00 and there were ALOT of babies waiting to be born that night!! This was in Marietta, GA, just outside ATL. I was SO LUCKY to have gotten there when I did, but I was an emergency case.

The baby's heart and my heart were both racing and we were all worried. And a chemistry test confirmed that my water had broke. I called my midwife and she got there shortly after I did.

I think she would LOVE to meet my baby!! BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO SO SCOTTISH!! Blond hair and blue eyes!! LIKE HIS DAD!! And I'm a dark haired, dark eyed Native American, lol.

My midwife was an English lady and she took care of me throughout the pregnancy. She scolded me a lot for working too hard. I had REALLY bad bosses then, Asian men, who treated me really bad.

They made me stay late everynight and come in on the weekends. It was really bad and I could've sued them, if I left a paper trail. They had me doing things that were bad for me and the baby and no matter how big my ankles were, they wouldn't let me go home.

BTW, I am VERY VERY BLESSED to be working for the company I'm with now!!!! THEY LOVE MOMS and when I interviewed, the owner's son watched the baby for me!! They're Italians, lol.

Anyway, the midwife ordered some Nuvane, a narcotic that made me really relaxed. AND REALLY DRUNK!! I was laughing and joking with my mom and best friend. I was really scared before that.

The OB surgeon on call was coming in, but she had to put her kids to bed. And they had to wait for my stomach to empty. So we hung out and took pix of each other, and my belly, lol.

Ironically, the doctor was this sweet, VERY kind, Asian lady! She was so little and skinny that her arm disappeared when she was pulling Keith out of my belly, lol. It was kind of comical, like she was helping a cow give birth, lolol.

He was born at 11:41 pm on December 15, 2004 in Marietta, GA. Keith Michael Miller.

When he came out, my mom said he was folded in half! He was in a U shape inside me and they had to check his hips that they weren't dislocated. He slept with his feet straight up for the first three months!

The second he came out, that was the END of attention for me, lol. My mom was ON him right away, while they cleared out his lungs and cleaned him off. I was really zoned out, on morphine, but I'll NEVER FORGET THAT CRY!! HE SOUNDED SO MUCH LIKE HIS DAD!!!

They let us all stay in the same room and my mom left to go get some sleep. My best friend stayed all night and helped me with him.

I stayed up all night that night and held my angel all night long!! And when the sun came up that day, there was a BEAUTIFUL SUNRISE that shined right in our room!!! IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL NEW BEGINNING FOR US!!!

Those evil, nasty Asian guys fired me a month after I came back from maternity leave. They were planning it the whole time, I found out from one of the office girls. I was a formulator and was outdoing them, so they couldn't deal with it. BUT IT WAS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE!!!

They gave me a month's severance pay and I was on unemployment for six months. My parents helped me out AND IT WAS SUPER DUPER GREAT FOR KEITHER!!! He's a very HAPPY SECURE BABE!!

So that's my story.

From my experience, it's better to raise a baby alone than with someone who's not all into that. How does your H feel about the baby?????? That's the main question to ask.

Don't worry about the man stuff if you split. The RIGHT KIND OF GUY WILL ADORE YOUR GIRL!!! AND YOU TOO, ESPECIALLY!! I've noticed that the right kinds of guys will LOVE seeing you with her and the kind of mom you are.

I had Thanksgiving Dinner with my sponsor and they invited this cop guy to join us. He was 40, a year older than me, but HE LOVES LOVES LOVES HIS KIDS!!!! AND HE THOUGHT THE KEITHER WAS BEAUTIFUL!! He said that Newt was really missing out!!

He wasn't my type though, lol, a little too macho for me. But he wanted to go out sometime. I would, as friends, but I'm more into scientists and engineers, because that's what I am, lol. My ex fiancee was a sculptor, and very brilliant, but looking back, he wasn't my type, lol. Too Republican, lol.

If you end up getting divorced, the RIGHT kind of guy will be someone who is a single dad or has kids. I've noticed that guys who don't care about their kids will be the ones to stay away. I think it's a bonding thing.

Men who don't want to be tied down are men that you don't need anyway. So having kids is another blessing in that!!! THEY'RE CRETIN REPELLANTS, LOL!!

Tell us about your birth!! AND AGAIN CONGRATULATIONS!!

Just focus on this new adjustment first. The rest can come later. Just turn it all over to God right now. And do what's in front of you.

Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving!!

Love and hugs,

SK

 

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