Just Need Some Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Just Need Some Support
11
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 12:42pm

Yesterday Judy and Allison said that I could use this board as support for getting through a tough time. I need that right now.

I had a rough night. When I was in the car on the way home from the train, I got a call from Jeff, the guy I went to lunch with yesterday. We talked for a few minutes, and I told him I had a nice time at lunch, because I did. He asked me if I had any reservations about dating an Asian man as opposed to an American man (Jeff is Phillipino). I told him that I didn't want to date anyone right now. I said lunch is fine, but I can't do any more than that right now. I have to get past this break up before I start to date again. He said he understood. I think I made myself very clear, and I know now that when it comes to dating and relationships, everything has to be spelled out, loud and clear, so there are no misunderstandings.

Then when I got home, my babysitter and her husband stayed an extra half hour just to talk to me about what was going on (they came over on Sunday to cheer me up). It's really great to talk to them and they help a lot. As for a little background, they lived in my area all their life, but they lived in Florida for the past three years, and in the beginning of summer they came back. They are both reformed alcoholics. They spent three years at a Christian rehab center in Florida. When they finished their rehab, they stayed on there to work. I love talking to them because they are my age, and they have both been through a rough time in their life. I talked to them a little bit before I left this morning and I think they really get where I was coming from. I had a counseling session, but my other babysitter did not show up. The kids went to the park with my neighbors, and I went to my counseling place and told her that I didn't have a sitter and we would have to reschedule. I told her that Mark broke up with me and she figured I needed to talk, so she said she would call me at home later on that evening. When I got home, there were four messages from Mark on my answering machine. He kept getting cut off, so he kept calling back so that he could finish what he was saying. I had no intention of calling him back.

I was out in the yard grilling chicken, and my son came out to me with the phone. It was Mark. He started by saying that he wouldn't blame me if I hung up, but he wanted a chance to explain. I was shocked. I never thought he would call me. I know people would say I should have hung up, but I just had to hear what he had to say for himself. I needed to do that for me. After our conversation, my counselor called me, and it was great timing, because we talked about my conversation with Mark. I was feeling pretty good after that conversation. Then my sister called. She started yelling at me and she was so angry that she hung up on me. I called her back, we talked for a while, got no where and I decided to say good-bye. I just hate when I fight with my family. I just hate it. I love my sister, and we are very close, but she just doesn't get it. She's been married for 15 years to a guy she met when she was 19 and I can honestly say, she's had a rosy path her entire life. She doesn't know heartache like I do. She doesn't know what it's like to love someone and then lose them.

Anyway, I just need to spill some things out to the board because I am hurting right now, and I know that you will understand. You guys have been through what I am going through, and I know you have all loved and lost and you know how it feels. I needed to talk to Mark last night. I needed to hear that he was sorry, that he felt like he was a jerk. I'm not asking anyone to agree with me, just to try to understand where I am coming from, because I feel right now like I am going completely crazy.

I'm not going to type out the whole conversation. I let him talk, then I asked him some questions. Then I talked. I told him how I felt Friday and Saturday, how he hurt me. I needed him to know what he put me through. The bottom line of what he said was that he was a coward and a jerk and he knows he hurt me. He said he wants both of us. He wants to still talk to me and see me sometime. Or at the very least, could we be friends. My response was no. I said he could not have both of us. I said I needed to be with someone who wanted only me, period. I said I could not see him, because that would be too painful and so would talking to him. I asked him how he could do what he did, and he didn't have an answer except to say that he was insecure and a coward and a jerk. Then it was my turn to talk. I told him what an intimate relationship meant to me and how I never slept with anyone I didn't love or care about, but he already knew that. I told him why all this has hurt me so much. I poured out my guts because I felt he needed to hear it. How the conversation ended was that I could not take him back.

I said my peace, but I don't feel any better about it. I'm going to be real honest here. I love him very much. And it killed me to say that I wouldn't give him another chance, but I knew it was the right thing to do, but I don't feel good about it. It's a classic case of your heart and your heading telling you to do different things. I wish with all my heart that things could have been different, that I could turn the clock back and undo what he did and make things right again. I know this is going to sound stupid, and I know my sister does not believe in this kind of thing, but I believe Mark is my soulmate. I have a connection with him I have never had with anyone EVER, not even the man I was married to for 10 years. I can't explain what it is, there is just something about him that I can't let go of. That's why I took him back in the first place. All that time that passed between us, I never forgot him. That's why I said I couldn't see him because I know no matter how hard I tried, I would start out being an ice cube and end up a melted puddle. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is hard for me to get over him, to just shut the door and never think about him or us again. That will take time. My sister doesn't understand that. It wasn't all just fun, like my sister says. She doesn't know the things we shared together, and the connection I felt to him.

My babysitter believes in soulmates, she feels she has found hers in her husband, and this is her second husband. But she also said that there are some soulmates that never connect because other people get in the way. That's probably true in my case. All I can tell myself is that it must not be meant to be, and I can't change it. Her and her husband also felt that Mark still cares about me because if he didn't he would have just gone on with that other person and never called, never tried to explain or apologize. Her husband said it's hard for men to apologize. I think they are right. My sister thinks I'm a fool, and I may well me, but I refuse to believe that I meant absolutely nothing to Mark the past 1 1/2 years and I think he said we were just friends because that other person was there. They think he's mixed up and doesn't know what he wants, and my counselor agreed. They can understand because my babysitter's husband lost a 15-year relationship due to alcohol and drug abuse, and he knows what it's like to want to do the right thing, but you just can't.

I guess it's hard to understand how I can still love someone who hurt me. But I'm just being honest. What I have to do is talk to myself and remind myself of the hurt and the pain, and then I won't ever change my mind. When it comes to Mark, I don't know if I can be that strong. I've been through a lot in 8 years; but for some reason, Mark just seems to be my weakness. I need help staying strong. If anyone out there has any suggestions, please let me know. Or if anyone can relate to anything I said, let me know. I really think I'm crazy, but I just can't help the way I feel. I'm sorry I babbled on and on, I just am trying to come to grips with all of this and understand it, and it's very hard for me right now. I think this is going to be a long road for me. Thanks for taking the journey with me.

Donna

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 1:50am

HUGE (((((HUGS)))))))))


This is so hard but you really are doing great.

Photobucket

Pages