Just rambling . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Just rambling . . . .
11
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:00pm

I've seen many posts lately that talk about how if you are dating a guy - and he runs because of your kids - that he's shallow, not worth your time, not a good guy, etc., etc. Now - I agree - he's not worth your time - as you are a single mom with kids and he isn't interested in kids. But I don't agree that he's shallow or not a good guy. It's possible, yes, but I don't think, at all, that just because a guy isn't interested in dating a girl with kids that he's automatically a "bad guy" - and I really feel like lately that's what women here are saying. If they are saying it to make themselves feel better, fine, but let's not propogate it as fact.

Before TT - I had a rule that *I* - a single mom, wouldn't get involved with a man who had kids. WHY? I had my own problems and drama to deal with - thanks - and thinking of dealing with another kid, another ex, custody, visitation, blah, blah, blah - did NOT sound appealing to me, at all. It doesn't mean I'm shallow. And I'm not a bad person. It just was something I REALLY did NOT want to deal with. And, it's MY LIFE. I have that right to set those parameters of what I do want and don't want in a partner.

When I started dating TT - he made it very clear that he had never dated a girl with kids before - and that he needed some time to see if he could accept it. He said "I know it might be hypocritical - but I have a hard enough time dealing with my kids, my exes, blah, blah, blah - I don't want anymore drama." I understood that. I respected that. NOT only that - but I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief that his kids were older and lived out of state! We had many discussions about it. Once he saw that my ex and I get along, that our visitation and custody schedule and all that jazz runs VERY smoothly, with very little drama, he felt much better about it. Once we got serious, we acknowledged that second relationships/marriages with kids from prior relationships being involved often caused hardships on the relationship. We tackled that head on.

If I were back in the dating scene again - I KNOW that I would NOT be interested in a man with a "psycho" ex - who was fighting his relationship with his kids every step of the way. I also would not be interested in playing an integral role in raising little kids.

To paint men who aren't interested because their kids in the picture as "shallow" and "bad" - nah. I can't go for that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:07pm
I totally agree with you. I don't want the same things you wanted when you were dating - BUT I do think that individuals should know what they are willing to deal with or not, and the fact that they are upfront about that is a *good* thing. It's better to walk away from someone who says he doesn't want to be a step-parent, than to try to make a relationship work and have you and your children suffer because he isn't that *into* the family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:28pm

I do feel exactly the same way you did when you were dating just before TT.

I do think that single moms have to do all they can to have a smooth relationship with the ex and to have the household moving along smoothly with the kids happy and doing well - this is good for everyone.

They also have to be aware that not all men will accept someone with children. I think this has more to do with the age of the guy and feeling ready for responsibility or being able to see a child as something special rather than a burden. Some younger guys tend to want less responsibility and they have more choices and possibilities in the dating field. And that is okay.

It does seem to me though that the extremely shallow guys want *nothing* to do with kids - I have run into one of those with whom I had an extensive phone conversation. And I chuckle when I think of him. He is still single. He doesn't want to spend any money on a woman and doesn't want to do any driving. He wants her to come to his house. And he doesn't want a girl friend or relationship, only sex!! LOL!! He actually told me all of this. He was trying to tell me that while he doesn't date women with kids he would be open to just having sex with me!!

I also remember one speed dating session where a very obnoxious man from Manhattan (NY accent, expensive suit and jewelry) made it very apparent that he was very shallow. He wanted someone very good looking with a great figure with no baggage. Only to be ready to be arm candy, a roll in the hay, and to be at his beck and call. He was in his 40s and had never been married. He was initially attracted to me because I do have the looks he wants. But as soon as he found out I had a kid he became very unpleasant - like he could not stand to spend the 3 minutes remaining with me. He started talking about why he hates kids. I found that very offensive.

You are right in saying that if a man does not want a woman with children that doesn't necessarily make him shallow. But I have never found the kid part to be an issue with a man in my age range unless he was very shallow and this was only in these 2 cases.

Every man I have dated has admired my son and my mothering skills. They have also admired how smooth my ex and I handle visitation.

I find the "suitable partner who wants to be married and settle down and has the same interests" to be the greatest challenge. Especially now that I am 43, very fit and work in a home office.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:32pm

The same here. My kids are grown, I don't want more. Of my own or anyone else's.


That doesn't make me shallow, it just makes me "where I am in life right now".

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:54pm

That's true. I agree.


I hadn't any notion for sure of how I felt about men with children, to be honest. BUT, Jas had never dated a woman with a child before. Not because he was against it, he said. But none of them were very appealing. My guess is that they weren't someone that jumped out as being stable in her "single mom status" and that they probably appeared to have very drama filled lives. That is NOT appealing to most people.


J and I did discuss my situation with Ty's bio dad alot. He wanted to know where this guy was in the picture and, as we got closer, how it would affect his relationship with Ty. You could tell he's rather (like most men I am sure) be the one and only, but obviously would encourage a relationship with his bio dad if bio dad was in the picture and things were healthy.


I think if my life had turned out to be one visitation/custody chaos after another, it would have been more than J would have been willing to deal with. And I wouldn't have blamed him. Not a bit.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:59pm

I agree. I also preferred to date a guy who didn't have kids of his own. Especially one who had custody. And I don't think I'm shallow. ;)

I do have a problem with the people (men or women) who start dating a single parent, get really involved and then expect him or her to choose them over the kids. Or even in a friend's case, give her kids to her ex husband so they can have a life together. Yep, he actually told my friend this and for some reason, she's still seeing him. That to me is totally beyond shallow. It's cruel. And I don't even know what you'd call her behavior for staying with him.

T

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:11pm
HOLY CRAP Tara! What is WRONG with your friend for staying with a self centered piece of work like that? What a sad thing.
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:25pm

I agree that those guys ARE shallow! OBVIOUSLY!

I do know three men who are in their late 30s who I would not say are "shallow" - at all - but they are not interested in a woman with children. They aren't interested in children, period. They don't hate them, but they don't want any. Ever. There own, or another man's. Doesn't fit into their lifestyle, at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:28pm
My ex's father is one of those people that just never wanted children, he doesn't want to be a dad. Too bad he had two of them. Very sad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:30pm

I agree. On all accounts.

I feel sorry for her kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:40pm

My sister never wanted kids. She has my 13 year old niece.

My brother doesn't have and doesn't want kids. He's 39. His last relationship of 7 months just ended. Great gal, she was in her early 30s. He has been telling her (for sure, I've been there) that he doesn't ever want to have kids. I don't know if she had it in her mind that once he met the "right girl" he would change his mind, or what. But after 7 months of him telling her that he didn't want to live with anyone anytime soon, that he he has no problem being in a committed relationship, prefers it actually, but doesn't want to get married anytime soon (he was with his exwife from the time they were 14 until he was 35), and that he NEVER wants children - she split up with him a few months ago and told him that she felt deceived and can't believe how shallow he is. Shallow because he doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married. He's not shallow. At all. It just simply isn't what he wants.

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