Just rambling . . . .
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| Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:00pm |
I've seen many posts lately that talk about how if you are dating a guy - and he runs because of your kids - that he's shallow, not worth your time, not a good guy, etc., etc. Now - I agree - he's not worth your time - as you are a single mom with kids and he isn't interested in kids. But I don't agree that he's shallow or not a good guy. It's possible, yes, but I don't think, at all, that just because a guy isn't interested in dating a girl with kids that he's automatically a "bad guy" - and I really feel like lately that's what women here are saying. If they are saying it to make themselves feel better, fine, but let's not propogate it as fact.
Before TT - I had a rule that *I* - a single mom, wouldn't get involved with a man who had kids. WHY? I had my own problems and drama to deal with - thanks - and thinking of dealing with another kid, another ex, custody, visitation, blah, blah, blah - did NOT sound appealing to me, at all. It doesn't mean I'm shallow. And I'm not a bad person. It just was something I REALLY did NOT want to deal with. And, it's MY LIFE. I have that right to set those parameters of what I do want and don't want in a partner.
When I started dating TT - he made it very clear that he had never dated a girl with kids before - and that he needed some time to see if he could accept it. He said "I know it might be hypocritical - but I have a hard enough time dealing with my kids, my exes, blah, blah, blah - I don't want anymore drama." I understood that. I respected that. NOT only that - but I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief that his kids were older and lived out of state! We had many discussions about it. Once he saw that my ex and I get along, that our visitation and custody schedule and all that jazz runs VERY smoothly, with very little drama, he felt much better about it. Once we got serious, we acknowledged that second relationships/marriages with kids from prior relationships being involved often caused hardships on the relationship. We tackled that head on.
If I were back in the dating scene again - I KNOW that I would NOT be interested in a man with a "psycho" ex - who was fighting his relationship with his kids every step of the way. I also would not be interested in playing an integral role in raising little kids.
To paint men who aren't interested because their kids in the picture as "shallow" and "bad" - nah. I can't go for that.

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Mindy:
I just had to comment about your post because I totally agree with it. Not wanting to be a step-dad to someone else's kids does not make a man shallow. My ex-BIL Kevin would love to fix me up with his friend J, who is a single dad. I've met J lots of times, and we have become great friends. His ex lives in another state and he has the kids 24/7. I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment, given that I have my kids except for every other weekend. Plus, I think he needs to get back on his feet, emotionally and financially after his breakup. But I don't think it makes me shallow that I don't want to support anyone right now -- I think it just makes me practical. I have a hard enough time with my stuff, let alone taking on someone else's. Besides, we really have become great friends -- we complain to each other and listen to each other and that's a great thing, and that's just the way I would like to leave it.
I think drama has a lot to do with things also. The guy I am dating now dated for 4 years a woman that had 3 kids. She was married twice, and there was 2 sets of ex's to deal with. The oldest was a teenager, and she had gotten into a lot of trouble: drugs, trouble with the police, and she ended up getting pregnant at 18. I don't know all the details, but I know between the two ex's and the troubled teenage daughter, there was A LOT of drama, and it got to be too much, and that's why they broke up. My ex can be a pain in the butt, but I try not to involve Mark in it at all. I try to take care of it myself. Mark got very attached to this woman's two younger children, and he said that was the hardest part of breaking up was leaving the kids.
Mark was over Friday, and he spent time with my kids for the first time, for about 1 1/2 before their dad came to pick them up. Things went smoothly, and there was no drama, thank God. Mark likes kids, and he thinks mine are great. However, because of the last experience that he went through, he told me that he wanted to proceed slowly and cautiously with my kids. He doesn't want my kids to get attached to him, or he to them. He doesn't want to get into a situation like he was in last time. I think he's testing the waters; like how will I handle things on my end with kids, ex, etc. What I do respect is that we were able to talk about it. He told me how me felt about kids/family, and I told him what my expectations/goals were. If at any point on this journey we aren't seeing eye to eye, either one of us can say, hey, this isn't working out or we need to do this differently. I believe everyone deserves a chance. And maybe some men or women don't give a single mom or dad a fair shake, but then again, it is their choice. They just might not be ready to. We ended up getting into a pretty deep relationship discussion, even though we didn't mean to. Mark told me what his concerns/fears were. He wasn't saying never, he was just asking for time to adjust and grow into the family role.
I've been alone almost 8 years, and I have a lot of my friends tell me that I'll never get married again because I'm too set in my ways and too used to being alone. Truly, I have adapted to being a single mom. I think if I had met someone 3 or 4 years ago, I probably would be remarried by now. But I'm pretty settled and established in my life, and it would be a big adjustment to live with someone or marry someone. I'm not saying never either, I just think it will be something I'll have to grow into as well. And as far as it pertaining to the topic, I don't think I'm selfish or shallow, but secure and confident in my own self, which I think is a good thing.
I readily admit that at this stage in my life, I'm not really sure what I want. I love my kids, my house and my life. I do like seeing Mark, but I can also maintain my space as well. And I've come to realize after our talk this weekend that there might come a time that the way we're doing things now might not work for one of us, and then we'll have to decide what to do about it. But until then, in the words of West, I'm going for a ride on this train, I'm enjoying the ride, and if it ends up in a train wreck, at least I had the experience of the ride. Just my two cents.
Donna
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