Just so frustrated with friendships...

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Just so frustrated with friendships...
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Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:28am

Gah!!!!


Seems like every friend I have is just either very far away, very busy or much older than me (I need some PEERS for crying out loud!) OR...they are on the mommy track. They can't talk about anything else.


I am stumped. Even my sister, who was formerly my best friend, is now just so obsessed with her kids that she can't carry a conversation about anything else. We talked about this this morning. She does...NOTHING...except stay home. (she only has two kids. One in school full time, one that's 2. Not like it's a houseful. Ty never slowed me down. I took him with, if nothing else) Nothing at all really. Unless it revolves around her children. Taking them to the park, library, birthday parties, etc. I knew that about her, and it's been a little irritating. But I didn't realize it showed until this morning when we were discussing the fact that she might join me in Indianapolis this weekend for a day (it'll be 4 hours from her house) and w/out the kids and just have FUN. SHe sounded excited about it.....and now she's got all kinds of excuses for not wanting to go. (The neighbor kid's birthday party. She doesn't want to spend the gas money, she doesn't want to drive alone, doesn't want to leave the kids.....) and I just feel like crap. I feel SOOO unimportant to her. And that's when she finally said "I feel bad because I know you've been frustrated with me lately" and it occured to me "YES! I AM frustrated. Frustrated because you used to be fun, vibrant, enjoy life, have interests. You used to want to be a writer, you were creative. You liked to travel...Now? Who in the hell are you?" She doesn't know. But she SAYS she's happy. She doesn't feel like doing anything. Doesn't really want to talk to anyone. But that's ok with her. (Can you SAY "clinical depression"????)


I am irritated beyond all belief. My last good time fun girlfriend here just had an infant. She can talk about nothing else. And I can't blame her. And she's breastfeeding. Attached w/in a few feet all the time. I TOTALLY understand. But I am feeling pouty about this because I just don't have ANYONE HERE anymore that I can hang out with, talk to and have fun except J. And while we are mutually one another's best friends, I need a girlfriend!


Anyone else go through a phase like this? What is with women that get so absorbed in their families that they lose themselves and become boring shadows of who they used to be????

Becky

Becky

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:34am
OH Beck! I wish you were here!!!

Yep, I do go through phases like that...I think I'm in one now.

My best friends are all so busy I don't see them more than once a month.

And I'm doing the grad school thing, and my best friend is definitely on the mommy track still. I don't understand how she can be happy, her husband is a jerk and she's almost divorced him twice.

It's hard to find someone to go have dinner with, a trip would never happen.

Wish we could go shoot pool and have a burger!

Hang in there

Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:40am

Yikes Im sorry -- I notice with my best freind this happens too when she meets a new guy. She will call every day to chat when she isnt dating but as soon as she gets involved --- all too forgotten!


Women are natural nurturers and caregivers and most women consider everyone else but themselves as far as wants and needs-- its sad but true. I know I am guilty of it alot...and then I go so far as to complain about it. Its a viscious cycle...hey if you were in MN Id call ya up in a heartbeat and we could go hang out! Even if Im pregnant !! Im still in shock and not really wanting to talk too much about it and my twins -- well I love the break when I get it to talk about ADULT things!


HUGS


Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:52am

Wish we could go shoot pool and have a burger! ... Me too!


Thanks girls. I need to branch out some and find some interests.

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:55am
Acks - that is not fun. I can relate with the sister thing. I am a single mom with my own business and my sister is a stay at home mom WITH A FULL TIME NANNY!!!!! That is like being on two different planets.

I do miss the times we had when we were single but I try to accept her for who she is now. I just try to enjoy her in small doses - family birthdays/holidays, coffee a few times a year and phone calls once in a while. She lives in a very rich community now and tends to have strong opinions and pass judgements on people if they are not the same.

I know that one day she will come around but for now I just do the best I can. I don't want to debate whether or not we should send the kids to Ivy League colleges or where the best deals on Louis Vuiton bags might be.

As for friends - yes - most people in our age group (30s, 40s) are married with kids and that is different.

I have been lucky enough to find single friends and married friends without kids that share similar interests. I feel the more people you can meet the merrier - that way you always have someone to talk to. I belong to a couple of triathlete groups and a gym here and that has helped a lot.

And yes - I think I am like you - Nicholas has always gone everywhere with me and we never miss a beat.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 12:07pm
a stay at home mom WITH A FULL TIME NANNY!!!!....ooookkkaaay then. THAT, I do NOT understand. WHY? Why a full time nanny when you are home??? I think I'd have a very difficult time keeping my mouth shut over that. Of course, I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut in general. LOL
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 12:59pm
NO way! A full time nanny? And she's at home all day???? What does she do?

Man, I could not deal with that! I was climbing the walls to get back to work, even part time when Nicolas was little. I could not IMAGINE being home and having someone else take care of my children!

Must be nice!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:08pm
ya hearing that is kinda irritating isnt it? Heck I would have loved to have a nanny when I was at home with newborn twins---must be rough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:09pm
I understand. I used to be like that whien I was married to Scott. I became the mommy and wife. Nothing more. I had no creative outlets. I spent days and nights home taking care of Dylan, which in no way is unfulfilling, but I needed something. Scott went to work days and school nights. So I had nothing to do and no way to do it if I had the chance. Getting away from Dylan was impossible. Now he's older and I'm married to a mant hat actually likes to go out. I know for a while I'll have to slow down because of the pregnancy and after having the baby, but I don't ever intend on spending 24/7 just holding the baby. I want a life outside of motherhood then too. We have lots of relatives to watch the kids. We CAN go out and we WILL.

I have a friend here that has an 11 year old DS and he stays with her mother most weekends. Now she's backing off for some reason. I haven't heard from her for over a week. I hope she isn't thinking this pregnancy is a deal for our friendship. She was so happy to find out. I know I can't party, but I can go have fun. We can shop, we can have lunch on her days off. We can still spend time together.

I don't know, but I wanted to tell you I understand.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:49pm
Well, all of the people in the country club have that - and I can see where it is good if you have it if you can afford it.

She doesn't have to clean her house. And she has someone to watch her son while he takes a nap - that way she can play tennis or go to ride her horse.

She really does play a lot at home with the kids - doesn't "abuse her priveleges" so to speak. But if you are rich and your wife has a nanny then she looks and acts like a wife - stays in great shape, beautiful hair, clothes, the house is always gorgeous and the wife is in a good mood no matter how many hours the husband works. I can see why they all do that. I would, too, if I could!

I would rather see my sister that way than abused by a jerk. The trouble comes into play when she doesn't understand what it is like to NOT have all that. Although she is getting better about that now that she has 2 kids....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:49pm
>>But if you are rich and your wife has a nanny then she looks and acts like a wife - stays in great shape, beautiful hair, clothes, the house is always gorgeous and the wife is in a good mood no matter how many hours the husband works<<

Oh, I so disagree with this. Riding her horse, or playing tennis, or going to the gym have very little to do with "looking and acting like a wife" in my experience.

Beautiful hair, great shape, always in a good mood? Sounds more like it's a Stepford wife...

Most of the best moms I know go through some really grungey times and it doesn't make them any less attractive to their husbands, who love them. And, in spite of not being rich, you can look pretty damned good when it's appropriate.

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