Just so frustrated with friendships...

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Just so frustrated with friendships...
24
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:28am

Gah!!!!


Seems like every friend I have is just either very far away, very busy or much older than me (I need some PEERS for crying out loud!) OR...they are on the mommy track. They can't talk about anything else.


I am stumped. Even my sister, who was formerly my best friend, is now just so obsessed with her kids that she can't carry a conversation about anything else. We talked about this this morning. She does...NOTHING...except stay home. (she only has two kids. One in school full time, one that's 2. Not like it's a houseful. Ty never slowed me down. I took him with, if nothing else) Nothing at all really. Unless it revolves around her children. Taking them to the park, library, birthday parties, etc. I knew that about her, and it's been a little irritating. But I didn't realize it showed until this morning when we were discussing the fact that she might join me in Indianapolis this weekend for a day (it'll be 4 hours from her house) and w/out the kids and just have FUN. SHe sounded excited about it.....and now she's got all kinds of excuses for not wanting to go. (The neighbor kid's birthday party. She doesn't want to spend the gas money, she doesn't want to drive alone, doesn't want to leave the kids.....) and I just feel like crap. I feel SOOO unimportant to her. And that's when she finally said "I feel bad because I know you've been frustrated with me lately" and it occured to me "YES! I AM frustrated. Frustrated because you used to be fun, vibrant, enjoy life, have interests. You used to want to be a writer, you were creative. You liked to travel...Now? Who in the hell are you?" She doesn't know. But she SAYS she's happy. She doesn't feel like doing anything. Doesn't really want to talk to anyone. But that's ok with her. (Can you SAY "clinical depression"????)


I am irritated beyond all belief. My last good time fun girlfriend here just had an infant. She can talk about nothing else. And I can't blame her. And she's breastfeeding. Attached w/in a few feet all the time. I TOTALLY understand. But I am feeling pouty about this because I just don't have ANYONE HERE anymore that I can hang out with, talk to and have fun except J. And while we are mutually one another's best friends, I need a girlfriend!


Anyone else go through a phase like this? What is with women that get so absorbed in their families that they lose themselves and become boring shadows of who they used to be????

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:52pm
haha, another thing we have in common. :)

I'd be going to school, getting 2 or 3 degrees, if I had that kind of help...

Even then I'd feel guilty.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:05pm

Ok, devil's advocate here.


You said: But if you are rich and your wife has a nanny then she looks and acts like a wife - stays in great shape, beautiful hair, clothes, the house is always gorgeous and the wife is in a good mood no matter how many hours the husband works. ....


Does this mean that because I work full time, and the house isn't always perfect and I am not always in a great mood, and my hair and face has less than perfect days that I am NOT "looking and acting like a wife"????


;) I am SURE you didn't mean it that way, but I guess this is one of those "To each his own" type of things. Were I that rich, I would STILL not have a nanny. A personal shopper and a house cleaner YES! LOL BUT, I love to cook and I'd do my own cooking. And I love my child, so I'd do my own parenting. And sometimes, I'd be stressed/wore out when hubby came home. But, he'd know that his children were being parented by his "woman who acts like a wife"


But I agree 100% that at least she isn't married to and being abused by a jerk.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:23pm
also, rich and jerk are not mutually exclusive. I'd bet there ARE rich jerks controlling their country club wives as well.

It's hard to judge by appearances what is going on inside a person, I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:55pm

"You said: But if you are rich and your wife has a nanny then she looks and acts like a wife - stays in great shape, beautiful hair, clothes, the house is always gorgeous and the wife is in a good mood no matter how many hours the husband works. ....


Does this mean that because I work full time, and the house isn't always perfect and I am not always in a great mood, and my hair and face has less than perfect days that I am NOT "looking and acting like a wife"????"


Just adding two cents to this......


If a woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:03pm
I guess I should clarify!! :-)

"Does this mean that because I work full time, and the house isn't always perfect and I am not always in a great mood, and my hair and face has less than perfect days that I am NOT "looking and acting like a wife"????"

I see many women here who become moms and they totally let themselves go. They don't care how they look or dress and they are not fun to talk to. It is like they shift from wife to mommy - I believe you have to be both. Everyone has bad days for sure.

It is great that she can have a little bit of her own interests and she always looks a lot more put together than I did when my son was small and I was doing EVERYTHING around my house plus starting a business and staying home with him.

I guess I commented on how I thought having a nanny was good because when my son was growing up I made big sacrifices NOT to have a nanny or day care and to give up my former career. I was a proud stay at home mom on a tight tight budget. But when I saw my sister and her friends with their situations I got a more open mind and opinion - I could see the positive of having a nanny if you could afford it.

And no, rich is not mutually exclusive to being nice. I have dated guys with money who were jerks. But her husband is wonderful in addition to being a good provider.

I am happy for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:14pm

"I see many women here who become moms and they totally let themselves go. They don't care how they look or dress and they are not fun to talk to. It is like they shift from wife to mommy - I believe you have to be both."


I get that...it's very true, about the obsessive mommy mode that many women fall into.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:23pm
"the wife is in a good mood no matter how many hours the husband works"

I meant that to be a small benefit of having a nanny when you don't work - on the few days where my sister's husband travels or has to work late she is not stressed out the way I was when my ex would come home late because I had no help and a colicky baby.

AND NO - it is never good to have a guy married to his job or anything but you.

I have had a wild day - too many word docs going at once on this computer.

PLUS we are watching for the big hurricane FRANCES:

http://weather.sun-sentinel.com/tropical/tracking/at200406_5day.html

I am south of where the "hit" should be - but not taking the 5 day forecast for granted. We are busy getting caught up here just in case.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:04pm

Obsessive Mommy Mode. That's my sister.


Me? I work full time, and clean the house (J helps), Cook, Grocery shop, and help Ty with Homework, AND STILL manage to put on

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:23pm
Hang in there! We'll be thinking about you as you weather yet another storm!!!
Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:49pm

One word, guilt.