This Just Sucks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
This Just Sucks...
6
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 12:40pm

Okay, here I go again...

So you all know that he drunk dialed me - that's not new. Okay, so I just drop it and leave it at that (after the phone call last Sunday). Well, he emails me and tells me that he's sorry that he called and that he was drunk out of his mind. He then states that he'll never bother me again, ok. (He always leaves his emails with some type of open ended statement, like he wants me to reply.)

I just don't get it. I could be over and done with all of this now if he would've just left it alone. But he continues to email me, his family continues to tell me that he's just confused about the fall of his marriage, etc. Well I don't care. All I know is that when people tell me crap like that it gives me some weird sense of hope, when I don't want it or need it. To be honest, if he came back into my life today I don't think I'd want him or let him. But the fact is that I can't get him out of my head. I think about him constantly, I want him to call me, I want him to email me, and it's driving me crazy. I know that I don't need him or want him, so why do I continue to do this to myself. And trust me, I've tried not too....it's just that I'm obsessing over this and I don't know why. Maybe it's b/c I just want him to want me, I don't know. But evidently through his behaviors and from what his family keeps saying, he misses me - and that irritates me too. I'd rather someone be hot or cold, not luke warm....either you want me or you don't, don't be confused about it.

I don't know....sorry to ramble, but I'm just so fed up with this and how I'm reacting to it.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 12:47pm

Oh gosh, I've felt exactly what you are feeling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:24pm

Kaitlyn:

I also know what you are feeling. I'm also trying to get over an ex, and its very hard. There are times I'm really good, then something will trigger a memory, then I can't stop thinking about him. I spent Saturday night and most of Sunday at my cousin's house trying to nurse him over a break up he is going through. Our situations are so similar, that it was hard not to think about my ex. By the time I got home I missed him so bad, I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I didn't. But I can't help missing him and thinking about him. I think only time will take that away. My friends tell me I'm better off without him, and I know that is probably true. And I'm sure it's the same thing for you. You are probably better off without your ex, you just need time to adjust to life without him. Try to distance yourself from his family and friends because I know it does not help to hear that he is confused. I heard the same thing from my ex, and it just makes things worse. If you can't distance yourself from them, then draw a boundary. When they start to talk about him, just say that you would rather not talk about it. Don't let yourself get sucked into their drama. I know it's hard, but it can be done (I've dealt with this experience in the past). I agree with Jennie. Posting here does help. It's helped me. There is always someone else besides yourself going through a problem, and we can help each other through it. The only advice I can give you is to try to do what I am doing. I am trying to keep myself super busy. I try to make plans for whenever I don't have my kids, because I know myself -- an idle mind is a dangerous thing. I'll be sitting around feeling sorry for myself and I don't want to do that. Besides, my ex isn't sitting around by himself. Just know that you are normal, not crazy, and be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break and time to mourn this loss and then you can start to move on. Try keeping busy and keep us posted. Good luck.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:17pm

No one likes to be strung along and you are obviously wavering from the pain that he dealt you the first time.

The others have said great things and I agree with them. You just have to somehow find the strength to NOT communicate with him right now. I know it is hard.

HUGS!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:23pm

Thanks for all the support, it really does mean a lot to me. I am going through a hard time right now and it's just hard knowing exactly how to deal with it. I just feel like I was thrown away like yesterday's news. It hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt I guess - one that's hard to explain. I just feel all jumbled up inside.

Oh well I guess...lol! I don't know. I'm just going to focus on my dd and myself at this point. Maybe if I just stop trying so hard everything will fall into place on its own.

Thanks again,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:53pm

AHA - GOTCHA....

The problem is that you feel "...like I was thrown away like yesterday's news."

THAT is what you have to change. You just got unlucky and found a guy who is not over his ex or ready for a relationship. For some reason he liked you and got caught up in the moment. That happens to the best of us. You were good enough to catch his eye for the moment - think of it that way.

BUT what you really want is someone who is into you - like totally gaga and feels lucky to have found you - AND he wants a relationship and all the good stuff. For this you have to get your self esteem back and be ready. This all takes time.

So - do you want to sit around with a bozo who is not going to be able to give you what you want and make you feel rejected? Or do you want to totally forget him - close the door - and get yourself ready for what you really need?

I liken him to some poor beef biscuit that is house hunting - he has bad credit and no money but he rejects this nice house that is too expensive (meaning you) - why would the house get upset? It just has to wait for the right owner. You have to see it as HIS LOSS, not yours.

I hope this helps. I think you have to turn it around and realize you are a great person just as you are.

HUGS!! We have all been through this. And I know you will feel better in time with no contact whatsoever from him. Try not to let yourself think poopy thoughts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:56pm

Judy:

What a great response, and an inspiration for all of us, especially me. Since my break-up with Mark, I have, at times, felt like Kaitlyn, like a piece of yesterday's trash. I know it's not me, it's him, but when you are grieving the loss of a relationship, a little bit of self-doubt can creep in. Especially when you have been replaced with another woman, like I have been. I try not to compare myself to her, because I don't even know her, but I do find myself wondering and comparing.

I try to stay positive, and like you said, tell yourself you are worth so much better. That can be frustrating at times. I know I am a nice person. Mark told me I treated him like a king. I know I can get along with people. I've had 3 long-term relationships since my exh left. My cousin and I were in the middle of a conversation at this party on Saturday about our bad dating luck. The host of the party joined the conversation and told me not to worry, I'll find somebody because I'm attractive. That was kind of nice to hear from a complete stranger. I know I have a lot to offer someone -- I just need to find that right person. And it's not always easy to stay positive and patient. Patience has never been one of my strong suits.

Donna