Just thinking out loud....
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| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:30am |
I'm just writing this to get things off my chest and out from the back of my mind. If you all would like to comment about something I don't see happening or give advice then you are more than welcome. If you just want to read and go to the next post then that will be fine too. :)
Things with E have been going well. We have done a day trip and, yes, things have gotten intimate. The kids have seen each other but not that often. My son knows him as my friend and that is all. We are going camping in a couple of weeks for a few days and I invited E and his girls to come with us. They are supposed to come but I'm starting to get uneasy because of something that happened last night. A different side of E.
Yesterday E took his 2 girls to a safari park during the day and his oldest daughter, not having a bathroom close by, wet her pants because she could not hold it and she would not go in the bushes that they were near (no one was around). Then last night we went to this kids museum that is in the area and went to Chic-fil-a to get a bite to eat. Well, his daughters had to go to the bathroom and his oldest one ended up peeing in her pants again. She told E that there were 2 stalls...one was occupied and the other had her sister in it. He got very angry at her. He wasn't yelling but he was trying to use the "embarassment" tactic with her in front of me, I guess to try and make her not do it again. He was asking her why she had 2 accidents in one day when she has never had one before. He also used some cuss words like the D word and H word. I got to see his temper last night that is for sure.
A friend of his was supposed to go by his dad's house to pick up something for him and the friend called after all of this to tell him he was lost and didn't know what street his dad lived on. Well E got mad at that and said that he needs to just keep being on his own and doing things himself to get it right.
Okay, I have problems with this...red flags definitely. For one thing, I don't cuss around my child or other children and my family tries not to even though they slip sometimes. It happens. I am NOT going to talk to my child and cuss at him or even USE a cuss word in the sentence that is directed towards him. I think it doesn't set a good example and that just makes it even more certain that your child will repeat the bad word. Now, I'm not a saint when it comes to cussing, I just don't use it around my son or anybody else's children.
His temper...did not know he had one. People have tempers yes but I don't think that he should have degraded his daughter for having an accident in her pants. He told me later that he was thinking that maybe she did it on purpose to get attention from her dad...thinking that he was paying too much attention to me. Don't know where he got that from because we don't hang all over each other nor do we even hold hands or anything. He said he ruled that out though. I asked him if he would consider calling their mom to see if they had done anything like that while staying with her. He said he didn't want to do that because she would say they don't do that at her house and then open up a can of worms. What made him so mad was that his daughter just clammed up and wouldn't tell him why she had 2 accidents in one day. He said that she usually clams up and I told him that she seemed to be a soft spoken child and maybe she doesn't know what to say.
I just don't know what to think now. Things were going so well and now all of a sudden this happens. I guess I am just more gentle in nature. I don't like confrontation unless the occasion calls for it and it has in the past. I am not going to try and embarass my son around other people for doing something that was an accident that he would truly be embarassed about already.
I DO NOT want someone with an anger streak because my ex had one and still does. I don't want E to cuss around my son or cuss TO him, which has not happened yet and better NOT ever happen.
I'm just trying to get this off my chest to mull over it and if y'all have any thoughts on this, please feel free to let them fly! :) I don't want to over analyze or jump to conclusions about these things too soon. Maybe when we go camping I will be able to see how he truly interacts with his girls and make more of a decision based on that.
There are some other little things that bother me but they are minor, not like this. For one, he is still smoking, not as much as he was but still smoking none the less. I don't want you all to get a bad impression of E because he really and truly loves his girls and would do anything for them. I guess we just have different parenting styles.
Thanks for letting me vent a little this morning.
Jennifer

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My six year old has had the occassional accident- typically, it's when she's engrossed in play and simply doesn't want to come in or stop what she's doing- and waits til the very last second, then can't make it in time.
It IS frustrating, but she's a child. I learned to be better about making sure she goes before going out, and calling her in specifically for that. It eases my frustration, teaches her that even though I don't love that behavior, I do love her, and will try to help her overcome something embarrassing for all of us.
I also happen to know where every public restroom in a 50 mile radius is located ;-)...
I would simply observe for now. If his behavior continues to get worse, you'll have your answer. If it was just "spending time with all of us" jitters and he doesn't repeat it, I think it would be safe to say it was a one time, or stressful time thing.
As for the cursing, I try very hard not to curse in front of my children, however, there have definitely been times when I've lost my cool. I still try not to curse at them or toward them, but the H and D words have been uttered.
Good lcuk, and have fun camping!
Moody, who is withholding judgement
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I don't believe in taking tough stands on things, but children are different. For me, this would be the end of a relationship if I saw a woman treat her children this way. Just absolutely completely end it, immediately.
Getting angry - maybe there were other things going on. I get angry sometimes over things that don't matter. But I don't rip into people about it.
But using shaming and embarrassment on a child is completely unacceptable. That cuts them to their spirit. It does damage that may never heal. I raised my kids without hitting or spanking, but I think that slapping them to the ground would be less harmful than shaming them.
He may be aware of his temper, but that seems pretty hard for a person to deal with even if they decide that they want to. But using shame and embarrassment on a child is something that people do not seem to be able to see. They do it and never acknowledge that they are doing it, never acknowledge the damage it does, and never change.
You can't change his behavior towards his own children, though maybe walking away from him and telling him why would start him on the road to change. I don't know. But if he does that to his girls, he WILL do it to your children, and no partner is worth that to me.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but children (all children, not just mine) are just so important to me. It was actually the biggest reason I decided to leave my wife. No matter what she did to me, I could not stand the way that she was starting to treat our children.
I agree that all parents have different parenting styles that may not be favorable to the next. I'm glad to know that you are conscious of his habits that you disagree with and not letting them fly by. Just keep your eyes open and remain observant ... it's when you close your eyes to them that you will find yourself in trouble. As much as I hate to be single and would love to be in a relationship, I also don't to to compromise my values.
Again, just keep doing what you're doing, observing the situation and don't compromise your values/morals for the sake of the relationship. He seems like he has potential so just maybe you can set the road map and eventually he get on the right path. I heard plenty of women who said their mates started out one way and as time went by, they changed for the better. And possibly, this can very be the case with him.
Best of luck with your relationship.
I have to agree with LizardDance on this one.
In mid-April of this year, Alec Baldwin had his visitation rights suspended by the LA County Superior Court
Thank you all for your responses! I appreciate all of the different viewpoints and ways to handle the situation.
I do want to clear up one thing though...he really does love his daughters and does not spank them. I think he just has a very deep, authoritative tone AND being an ex-military man, he comes across as being harsh. I know that at times I thought my exh was harsh on our son. Maybe it's a mother thing? I know for sure he wouldn't ever think of doing anything abusive towards his daughters. I got to see how they interacted with each other last night at a cookout (my son was not there). They love him to death. I'm not making excuses for him though and it still doesn't sit well with me. That is why I am going to keep observing and hopefully will find out something next week on the camping trip.
I did tell him last night that I was going to soften him up a bit. lol
Thanks again!
Jennifer
Keep us posted on the camping trip.
The thing about most men is that they don't read all of the parenting books that moms tend to read. And a lot of what they do might be what their own parents did. You will have to discern what is an occasional angry outburst from an overwhelmed parent versus all the time chronic abuse that is clearly very detrimental and to which you want no part. The best scenario is one where the father spends a good amount of time and is patient and teaches them things and lets them be themselves. My DS's dad is generally this way - but he does have an angry outburst sometimes - we had a case of this just recently at his family vacation where my DS was left to go hungry because he didn't like the food they were serving and stated so. His father cooks him everything he likes when they are alone here - but when they go to visit family up north his father wants our DS to just fit in and look good in front of his family - but DS doesn't like the food up there and expects to get everything catered as he has it here.
The bottom line is that my DS was upset for the night. And I did try to intervene on the phone with my exh and got in a fight with him. But when DS came home I explained that he has to realize that this is a push button for his dad - and that he could outsmart him in the future and I gave him ways to do that.
The world is not full of perfect people. And the lesson we have to give our kids is that you have to be able to cope with all of life's situations. I explained to my DS about how I had a very difficult boss that must have been the cousin of Hitler himself - and all the things I did to outsmart him and how the job really advanced my career overall and taught me a lot and presented a great opportunity. So, I turned this negative experience into a positive for my DS.
I guess I am giving you this scenario because it shows that while the situation was not great it is okay because DS's dad is usually extremely patient with DS and takes him to do a lot of fun things. But no one would know this unless they spent time with him.
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