just venting, and crying

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
just venting, and crying
16
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 9:11pm

This just rips my heart out. S19 is going back to UT on Sun. So his dad calls him today to invite S19 to dinner, to see him before he goes back. He uses the “come see your grandparents, they won’t be around forever line and S19 responds with “If you will be there I can���t come.” “Why not?’ “Because if I see you I’ll get angry, really really angry, and I’ll have to leave, just seeing you makes me very angry.” PsychoBoy went on trying to guilty the kid into coming over- why doesn’t he get it? If he would just acknowledge the hurt he personally has caused S19 and if he would stop dictating and controlling his own parents’ relationship with the kid it would be huge. S19 has asked his grandparents to meet him for lunch, at times he knows his dad will be at work and they have TURNED HIM DOWN!!! Ack! They had reasons, but then why not offer a different time? I know it is my XFIL who thinks S19, once his absolute favorite grandchild - is some kind of traitor for “taking my side”.

I talked to S19 after he got off the phone and pointed out that at least his father was trying, that in his own way he is trying to improve things between them. I also pointed out that holding on to the anger was not good for S19 himself. He just got so depressed and upset, he went in the shower and just cried. I think he doesn’t realize I know he’s crying. When he came out again I asked him why it was so hard to see his grandparents, that my concern was for him and how this is obviously rough on him. I pointed out that his relationship with his grandparents was within his ability to maintain, without having to deal with his father- since he is not ready to deal with his father. He now admits there are issues with his grandparents that he is not ready to deal with either. He went on to explain how a lot of this crap is at the root of his going to UT and that inspite of the fact he did very well (they gave him a raise after 2 months, a $900 season end bonus and a full time year round position) he feels like a loser. He feels that no matter what he does it will never be good enough. This is at the center of his bad blood with his father. The constant criticism, no matter how well S19 did at anything, PschoBoy pointed out how so-and-so did better, how S19 just didn’t quite measure up. It is killing me to see S19 in such pain.

The whole freakin family just drives me nuts. PsychoBoy’s sister, who I had once had a very good relationship with, turned me down when I offered to stop by with the kids the last time I travelled through their town. She said they’d see the kids when they were with their father. WTF!!?? I have repeatedly told my XILs that they are welcome at my home, they can call the kids anytime- but noooooo.They ALLOW their tyranical psycho son to tell them when they will see their grandchildren. They never call, not even the kids’ cell phones- my family not only calls them, they e-mail, and my brother plays on-line games with them. My XILs didn’t visit us in AZ unless their son specifically invited them, which he stopped doing for about the last 7 years of our marriage. (Unlike my family who just call up and say, hey we’d like to come to AZ in XXXX, would it be convenient for you?) And PschoBoy refused to go to OH to see the relatives those same 7 years. S19 specifically mentioned this as part of the problem. When he needed the extended family, when we were trapped with his crazy dad spiralling out of controll, where were they? When they finally did show up after the big D, they would go to a concert, see S16 perform and LEAVE before S19 performed. They didn’t show up at his swim meets, even the freakin state championships. My family came if they were in AZ at the time.

I don’t know how to explain to S19 that his family is just that, his family- warts and all. He can accept that without having it effect him so deeply. He’s just better off in UT far, far away from the pain.

Sorry so long... just needed to vent...any and all out of the fire perspectives welcome.

QueenBun

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 9:56pm

Oh QB- big (((((((HUGS)))))))) to your ds!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 10:36pm

It hurts to see our children hurt. No matter what their age. Im sorry Sweetie.


WHY is his family like that? No matter how good they CAN seem, just like MY X's family, you have to remember that PsychoBoy & Taz came from THEM.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 11:04pm

((((hugs))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 12:08am

Thanks guys, I appreciate the validation. And especially the reminder Rlch, that PsychoBoy was raised by these folks so I have to expect a bit of out of kilter behavior. S19 has been so happy since going to UT, and he was enjoying his visit here until the last couple of days. He's been getting down since he had to deal with his dad face to face last thurs. S19 was staying with D4 the half hour between when I leave for school and PsychoBoy comes to get her. At least S19's friends all got together and are off to a film festival, so that should brighten his spirits.

M just called from the road, on his way home but with a pit stop at my house. I so need a hug.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 1:32am

Hey I hear you on this :/


My ex-inlaws ended up with my stepchildren, who I raised full-time

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 3:25am

Seeing your child in pain and the damage caused by your ex must be very painful.

Has your S19 been to therapy? It sounds like he can benefit.

Take care,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 9:03am

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 12:24pm

Yes, both of the boys were in counseling starting about 6 mos prior to my filing for divorce. They both requested to stop going after 2 years, felt it made them seem sick when they were fine. I did suggest to S19 that he find a counselor/psychologist in UT so he could work through being at peace with his family issues and these deep rooted feelings of not measuring up. He's not likely to make the effort, especially since once he's there he'll just feel better anyway. The ironic thing is, other people come to S19 with their problems because he is so empathetic and he gives good advice. But at 19, he really can't just step back and see his own situation objectively.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 1:02pm

Yeah, I've always been bothered by the insular, us or them mentality of PsychoBoy's family, even when I was "privledged" to be considered one of them. They don't hate me, actually my XMIL and XSIL have stated they know PsychoBoy is a nutcase and I did the right thing by getting out of the situation. It's just that they can't get past the idea that they are traitors if they openly defy PsychoBoy's wishes that they have nothing to do with me or S19. XFIL does act like I am the one in the wrong for leaving his son and S19 is a bad kid for not respecting his father. With S19,what really bugs me, is the attitude that it is entirely up to him to maintain a relationship with them. It is self absorbed PsychoBoy who is trying to manipulate S19 into a reconciliation by insisting all contact between his family and S19 be through him. His parents go along with it. They are adults, perfectly capable of picking up a phone and calling their grandson. They choose not to.

I really think it won't be until S19 is in his mid 20's that he will have the emotional maturity and fortitude to deal with these issues, to just accept that they are who they are, their issues/problems are THEIR issues and problems, it has nothing to do with his not being good enough. Everyone's family has its quirks, mine certainly does, S19 will need more time to let go of the hurt, and let the new missteps bounce off him as- well, that's just the craziness again. Right now from his perspective, every time he has made the effort, has tried to just move forward and let the past be the past, he just gets hurt again. I can't blame him for not wanting to put his heart on the line again.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 5:36pm
Oh sweetie!!!!!
 

Pages