just venting, and crying

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
just venting, and crying
16
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 9:11pm

This just rips my heart out. S19 is going back to UT on Sun. So his dad calls him today to invite S19 to dinner, to see him before he goes back. He uses the “come see your grandparents, they won’t be around forever line and S19 responds with “If you will be there I can���t come.” “Why not?’ “Because if I see you I’ll get angry, really really angry, and I’ll have to leave, just seeing you makes me very angry.” PsychoBoy went on trying to guilty the kid into coming over- why doesn’t he get it? If he would just acknowledge the hurt he personally has caused S19 and if he would stop dictating and controlling his own parents’ relationship with the kid it would be huge. S19 has asked his grandparents to meet him for lunch, at times he knows his dad will be at work and they have TURNED HIM DOWN!!! Ack! They had reasons, but then why not offer a different time? I know it is my XFIL who thinks S19, once his absolute favorite grandchild - is some kind of traitor for “taking my side”.

I talked to S19 after he got off the phone and pointed out that at least his father was trying, that in his own way he is trying to improve things between them. I also pointed out that holding on to the anger was not good for S19 himself. He just got so depressed and upset, he went in the shower and just cried. I think he doesn’t realize I know he’s crying. When he came out again I asked him why it was so hard to see his grandparents, that my concern was for him and how this is obviously rough on him. I pointed out that his relationship with his grandparents was within his ability to maintain, without having to deal with his father- since he is not ready to deal with his father. He now admits there are issues with his grandparents that he is not ready to deal with either. He went on to explain how a lot of this crap is at the root of his going to UT and that inspite of the fact he did very well (they gave him a raise after 2 months, a $900 season end bonus and a full time year round position) he feels like a loser. He feels that no matter what he does it will never be good enough. This is at the center of his bad blood with his father. The constant criticism, no matter how well S19 did at anything, PschoBoy pointed out how so-and-so did better, how S19 just didn’t quite measure up. It is killing me to see S19 in such pain.

The whole freakin family just drives me nuts. PsychoBoy’s sister, who I had once had a very good relationship with, turned me down when I offered to stop by with the kids the last time I travelled through their town. She said they’d see the kids when they were with their father. WTF!!?? I have repeatedly told my XILs that they are welcome at my home, they can call the kids anytime- but noooooo.They ALLOW their tyranical psycho son to tell them when they will see their grandchildren. They never call, not even the kids’ cell phones- my family not only calls them, they e-mail, and my brother plays on-line games with them. My XILs didn’t visit us in AZ unless their son specifically invited them, which he stopped doing for about the last 7 years of our marriage. (Unlike my family who just call up and say, hey we’d like to come to AZ in XXXX, would it be convenient for you?) And PschoBoy refused to go to OH to see the relatives those same 7 years. S19 specifically mentioned this as part of the problem. When he needed the extended family, when we were trapped with his crazy dad spiralling out of controll, where were they? When they finally did show up after the big D, they would go to a concert, see S16 perform and LEAVE before S19 performed. They didn’t show up at his swim meets, even the freakin state championships. My family came if they were in AZ at the time.

I don’t know how to explain to S19 that his family is just that, his family- warts and all. He can accept that without having it effect him so deeply. He’s just better off in UT far, far away from the pain.

Sorry so long... just needed to vent...any and all out of the fire perspectives welcome.

QueenBun

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 5:55pm

I can't blame him for not wanting to put his heart on the line again.


Me, neither!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 10:30am

QB, so sad your story!! I am sorry your son has to have this pain of his father and all the insanity you have experienced.

The only thing I can really say now is that I would give your x-inlaws all the cold shoulder if I was you. I would not make any more attempts to contact your exh's family or include them. If they want to be part of things then they have to step up to the plate. And as for your son - he should do the same.

I agree with Soonee that time heals all and after time the reset button can be pushed - I think that is what you have to do now. If DS19 wants nothing to do with his father then that is his prerogative and I must say I cannot blame him. His own father should not make his life harder and that is what he has done in all of his words and actions, at least in my opinion from what you type. His father is being very selfish and hurtful to his kids. All he does is cause him pain. So perhaps all you can do now is validate your son's feelings and give him as much love and support that you can. Hopefully his dodo father will come around in time. But no one must hold their breath for that.

This is one of those "dust settling things" that I think every family goes through, to some extent, after a divorce. I think things will get better as time goes on. And hopefully when you distance yourself you will be relieved of the pain that the ex-inlaws have caused. I think they were very lucky with your most generous gesture to include them - but now they are not worthy of any more efforts by you. Nada is what they would get if they were mine. After a divorce you do not need anything or anyone around you that is not positive and supporting of you.

HUGS!! Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 10:42am

QB,


So sorry you and your son are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 1:53pm

((((((QueenB)))))


I just wanted to chime in. I agree with the others and can not say it any better. I'm just sending you my hugs. I feel for your S19. It hurts when our kids hurt. My heart ached when you said you heard him cry in the shower.


It just amazing me to no end that "adults" like your XILs can put pride over the feelings of a child. I just don't understand. I hope and pray things get better- I believe they will.


I'm sorry....


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 4:32pm
This is a very good point about setting boundaries! OMG - I cannot imagine life without boundaries!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:10pm

I don't mean to intrude on your conversation but I feel as though I can relate to your dilemma.


Your child is older than my son and obviously, I don't know any of your background.

Brenda

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