Just wondering...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Just wondering...
26
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 8:52pm
how women view being a single mom & debating a second marriage - and if anyone thinks like me & would even consider marriage again, but living separately until kids are older (saying that your children or under 5?) -hmmm...know of any men that would go for that, or is it completely unrealistic?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 10:37pm
I have heard that second marriages have a greater failure rate than first ones. And not living together? Then why get married at all? I thought you got married to be together under one roof?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 10:45pm
right - usually second marriages do have greater failure rate - could this be b/c of many of the blending family issues?? my children have a very active father in their lives - don't need another - and i do have resignation when it comes to putting another male figure over them - w/kids - i feel like it completely changes everything...and as far as marriage - doesn't necessarily have to be that - it could be serious relationship as well - people get married for all types of reasons - sure possibly to be under the same roof - but i suppose the only one that should really be a factor is whether or not they love each other - and if that's the case - then i suppose you should be able to make anything work & meeting someones needs in that area could be part of it i suppose - meaning my need to not blend any families - hmmmmm....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:23am

I used to think I'd NEVER get married again.

I have learned to never say never, though, and would consider it, with the right person.

I don't know how old I'd want my kids to be- they were less than a year and 3 when I divorced, and are now 6 and 8. I think for me, it would depend more on the relationship and how sure I was that marriage was something I wanted than how old my kids were.

Personally, I think if I found someone I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, who felt the same about me, I'd probably go for it- especially if my kids were younger, as I'd know they'd have an easier time coping than older children might.

Moody, who dislikes upheaval


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:17am

I have mixed feelings on this one. The other posters are correct that second marriages have a higher failure rate and especially when blended families are involved. It is a decision that is not to be taken lightly in my opinion.

My life is so good and I enjoy running my own show so much, that it will take someone really special for me to want to marry him. Getting married when you are young and want to build a life and family together is one thing - I believe it is easier because you can grow together. But what about when we get older and are set in our ways and already have the kids and do not want anymore? Or do not want our estate mingled with anyone else but only to our own children? My son is really important and I do not want to bring just anyone into his life - he is almost 12 now. And I don't want more kids. I am 45.

I contemplate the story of Jackie O. After her second marriage to Onassis ended with his death, she and her SO Maurice Tempelsman lived together for about 20 years and never married. And from reading her biography, it was her best relationship given that both marriages to Kennedy and Onassis were anything but bliss. Hmmmmm........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 10:10am
Call me crazy or a glutten for punishment..lol... But I'd consider marriage again... I know it will be a long time before that happens and I'm not in a rush.. but I know that I prefer to be married than single. I think of it this way... if I'm set in my ways, don't want anymore children and I meet the right person than there is less change involved. (and I think the cool thing is that the older the children get, the better my chances get... so i don't feel like I'm running out of time but rather my odds get better as time goes on...vs someone with no children who feels like the biological clock is ticking). I found that when I got married young, I changed and the other person changed and instead of growing together, we grew apart. For now, I will enjoy being single and learn about my self as an individual and when the timing is right, I'm confident i'll meet the right person. But my personal goal right now, is NOT to want what I don't have. I'm single and need to enjoy what it means to be single .. including a single parent. I am very bless!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 10:53am

Yep - that's the thing - and I believe why my marriage was a struggle - was b/c we both had our own lives we enjoyed when we met, own way of seeing things & couldn't compromise or create one together (at least not easily). Maybe w/counseling, we'll be able to negotiate some things - but I know for a fact that if kids & money weren't factors - ideally, I'd rather have my own life, then share it - hmmmmm.

For me, it's not even about someone being "special" enough - my current husband very much is, and I love him to death - and I felt that we shared alot of the same vision & goals - however when it came to the small stuff - that's where we could just never find common ground - and in order to make it work, you've gotta want it more than anything & do WHATEVER it takes - hmmmmmm...

So someone that maybe is really "compatible" and the joining of our lives was ideal - I would consider - but I'm just not sure that is realistic or possible - especially at this time in my life w/children. Maybe when I'm older & they're grown - but even then I would possibly have issue w/someone telling me what they would prefer etc. or feeling pressure to do anything I didn't want to do, just for the sake of the relationship - lots of food for thought at this time in my life...

Thx for sharing...

Laurel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:00am

Interesting question. This is an area where I may disagree with many of the women here. I do think it is important to be your own person and be a strong mom and put your kids first in most things. But, I don't know that my kids must or should be my one and only focus. Sure their needs must be met, I have to be sure they are safe and do my best to make sure they are happy and know they are loved and get to be kids.

I do however, think that as they get older and all my attention is on them with no adult relationship it can become a burden to them Of course they think they want their parents (mom) all to themselves, but they will grow up and leave and then what is mom left with. Children will grow to adults and have their own lives.

I think it is very important to put yourself first in a few ways. Make sure you have outside interests and friends that you can do things with. You have to have adult time and things that are just for you (not necessarily a man).

JMO
Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:03am

I do try to believe that just because my exh caused so much pain that the right person would not. But one of the things that happened in my marriage was that exh treated me very badly when I quit my job to stay home with DS - he felt that since I didn't earn a living I did not have worth and nothing I did was ever right plus we really struggled financially and then there was the issue of inlaws and their/his controlling ways.

And I subsequently went head over heels to launch my own business so I would have worth. And it is successful. And now that I can support myself as I wish, I don't want to give up this control over my life. I was thinking and telling my sister just yesterday that I am thankful he put that fire into my belly. Because now I am so much better off without him.

But maybe it is a good thing that the person who would be right for me would have to be better for me than me alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:10am
OH but that is the problem - I have a LOT of outside activities that I dearly love and am able to maintain because I am not a wife - at least not the wife of the man from before!!!! I just signed up for an IRONMAN!! And am training 20 hours a week with one of the best coaches and loving it. DS has a whole incentive package for me to train and cross the line. He is going to help me with dinners, be more independent in study and the cheerleader. I am taking him with me so he gets a great trip. And he loves my challenge - thinks he has the coolest mom!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:19am

thx for that post & i completely agree - i think we often (myself included) can put ourselves in a fearful state sometimes - i think ultimately i would struggle more w/just negotiating a life w/another individual & living circumstances & that's why i'm finding myself resistant to that option anymore...but i would like someone to "grow old w/" and could find that person now - however hold off on the co-habitation bit - for at least a while -

i'm actually still in counseling w/my husband & in the midst of a separation - and am sure i'm getting ahead of myself (as i often can & do) - however it's definitely a lifestyle that i'm holding in the back of my mind & love feedback of what other's are thinking on these matters & subjects - i really like yours b/c it has a great sense of freedom & truth - i think in our society we often make it TOO much about the kids & there are definite conseqences to that...

Laurel :)

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