Just wondering...
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Just wondering...
| Sun, 07-22-2007 - 8:52pm |
how women view being a single mom & debating a second marriage - and if anyone thinks like me & would even consider marriage again, but living separately until kids are older (saying that your children or under 5?) -hmmm...know of any men that would go for that, or is it completely unrealistic?

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I used to think I'd NEVER get married again.
I have learned to never say never, though, and would consider it, with the right person.
I don't know how old I'd want my kids to be- they were less than a year and 3 when I divorced, and are now 6 and 8. I think for me, it would depend more on the relationship and how sure I was that marriage was something I wanted than how old my kids were.
Personally, I think if I found someone I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, who felt the same about me, I'd probably go for it- especially if my kids were younger, as I'd know they'd have an easier time coping than older children might.
Moody, who dislikes upheaval
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I have mixed feelings on this one. The other posters are correct that second marriages have a higher failure rate and especially when blended families are involved. It is a decision that is not to be taken lightly in my opinion.
My life is so good and I enjoy running my own show so much, that it will take someone really special for me to want to marry him. Getting married when you are young and want to build a life and family together is one thing - I believe it is easier because you can grow together. But what about when we get older and are set in our ways and already have the kids and do not want anymore? Or do not want our estate mingled with anyone else but only to our own children? My son is really important and I do not want to bring just anyone into his life - he is almost 12 now. And I don't want more kids. I am 45.
I contemplate the story of Jackie O. After her second marriage to Onassis ended with his death, she and her SO Maurice Tempelsman lived together for about 20 years and never married. And from reading her biography, it was her best relationship given that both marriages to Kennedy and Onassis were anything but bliss. Hmmmmm........
Yep - that's the thing - and I believe why my marriage was a struggle - was b/c we both had our own lives we enjoyed when we met, own way of seeing things & couldn't compromise or create one together (at least not easily). Maybe w/counseling, we'll be able to negotiate some things - but I know for a fact that if kids & money weren't factors - ideally, I'd rather have my own life, then share it - hmmmmm.
For me, it's not even about someone being "special" enough - my current husband very much is, and I love him to death - and I felt that we shared alot of the same vision & goals - however when it came to the small stuff - that's where we could just never find common ground - and in order to make it work, you've gotta want it more than anything & do WHATEVER it takes - hmmmmmm...
So someone that maybe is really "compatible" and the joining of our lives was ideal - I would consider - but I'm just not sure that is realistic or possible - especially at this time in my life w/children. Maybe when I'm older & they're grown - but even then I would possibly have issue w/someone telling me what they would prefer etc. or feeling pressure to do anything I didn't want to do, just for the sake of the relationship - lots of food for thought at this time in my life...
Thx for sharing...
Laurel :)
Interesting question. This is an area where I may disagree with many of the women here. I do think it is important to be your own person and be a strong mom and put your kids first in most things. But, I don't know that my kids must or should be my one and only focus. Sure their needs must be met, I have to be sure they are safe and do my best to make sure they are happy and know they are loved and get to be kids.
I do however, think that as they get older and all my attention is on them with no adult relationship it can become a burden to them Of course they think they want their parents (mom) all to themselves, but they will grow up and leave and then what is mom left with. Children will grow to adults and have their own lives.
I think it is very important to put yourself first in a few ways. Make sure you have outside interests and friends that you can do things with. You have to have adult time and things that are just for you (not necessarily a man).
JMO
Priscilla
I do try to believe that just because my exh caused so much pain that the right person would not. But one of the things that happened in my marriage was that exh treated me very badly when I quit my job to stay home with DS - he felt that since I didn't earn a living I did not have worth and nothing I did was ever right plus we really struggled financially and then there was the issue of inlaws and their/his controlling ways.
And I subsequently went head over heels to launch my own business so I would have worth. And it is successful. And now that I can support myself as I wish, I don't want to give up this control over my life. I was thinking and telling my sister just yesterday that I am thankful he put that fire into my belly. Because now I am so much better off without him.
But maybe it is a good thing that the person who would be right for me would have to be better for me than me alone?
thx for that post & i completely agree - i think we often (myself included) can put ourselves in a fearful state sometimes - i think ultimately i would struggle more w/just negotiating a life w/another individual & living circumstances & that's why i'm finding myself resistant to that option anymore...but i would like someone to "grow old w/" and could find that person now - however hold off on the co-habitation bit - for at least a while -
i'm actually still in counseling w/my husband & in the midst of a separation - and am sure i'm getting ahead of myself (as i often can & do) - however it's definitely a lifestyle that i'm holding in the back of my mind & love feedback of what other's are thinking on these matters & subjects - i really like yours b/c it has a great sense of freedom & truth - i think in our society we often make it TOO much about the kids & there are definite conseqences to that...
Laurel :)
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