Just wondering...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Just wondering...
26
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 8:52pm
how women view being a single mom & debating a second marriage - and if anyone thinks like me & would even consider marriage again, but living separately until kids are older (saying that your children or under 5?) -hmmm...know of any men that would go for that, or is it completely unrealistic?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:31am

YIKES!!!! Still in counseling with your husband? You are definitely getting very far ahead of yourself. You need to get through that and try things on your own for a while before thinking about a R with someone else. Find out what works for you and make your life happy before considering bringing anyone else in.

As for the kids not always being first, I have to agree that parents often don't tell their kids no anymore. Many parents make sure their child had everything they not only need but more specifically everything they want. I don't think that is a good lesson for kids to think that they will never hear the word no. They don't have to work for anything and their wants and needs are the most important things in the world. Disappointment is a part of life and I think that is an important lesson to learn. All parents must make some sacrifices for their children but I can't imagine that anyone would be happy living with a martyr.

Judy,
I know your life is busy with the training and all. I would enjoy having the time to train that you do. My kids are still too little for me to have the time for that. I didn't mean you specifically, I just meant in general. I do have friends IRL that don't understand that I get a sitter sometimes. They ask why I would go out and do something when I could be spending time with my kids. I say, because they go to bed at 8:00 (going out at 7:00) and I need to have a life too. (I do have to say that this friend does have a lot more time without her son than I do without my children as her ex spends at least one evening every week with him and takes him on vacations and such) and that life won't always fit neatly into a visitation schedule. Everyone certainly has their priorities. I have been without my ex long enough now that I need to start sorting out a life for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:38am

It's weird - but I can really relate to your story...

I had twins (after already having an older son) and felt like by having 3 children, I should have the right to stay at home w/my husband making enough - however he didn't feel that way...and yep - b/c I didn't earn a paycheck for over a yr, he didn't value me in the slightest.

So I as well - found something I could do from home w/the flexibility I needed w/the kids & am now able to support myself & the kids pretty well. I'm also venturing futher into the business side of things & hope one day I will be able to support myself quite well w/it, rather than still living check to check.

One of the things that I realized, is that it's not as much about the other person - as it is ourselves. And I totally credit my husband w/helping to give me the determination to create a life that fits me more. Now looking back on it - I know the mistakes I made concerning not understanding that all men think the same way & look at a wife that stays at home w/the children as something appealing - especially when it stretches out the income. It's not necessarily a bad thing in my book, it just is & was something that I learned to accept w/in the marriage, knowing I went into it blindsided. If I would've known I was going to have twins, therefore three kids - I would've made sure this was something that was agreed upon & he was okay w/- but live & learn - and ultimately, I'm much happier & secure in knowing that I have a paycheck coming in myself & don't need someone else's okay or approval on what I'm spending etc. Plus sometimes I had to ask myself what I was thinking to be someone that worked all her life - to end up being a stay at home mom...when work is the real break - lol!!

:)

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:42am
I agree with you a 100%. I could have written that!
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:49am
I have mine 24/7, except, as you know, for the summer. I HAVE to find me time. I have to get a babysitter and raise my girls to understand that I love them, but mommy has a life too. That I am not only a mommy. Sometimes I feel horribly guilty to leave them alone, but then I know, its better for all of us, if I get that break in-between. I think it doesn't matter if you have a partner or not, me time and partner time is just as important as children and family time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:29pm

They ask why I would go out and do something when I could be spending time with my kids. I say, because they go to bed at 8:00 (going out at 7:00) and I need to have a life too.


I loved that time!

Avatar for whyscracker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:52pm

It's kinda what I did by accident more than design, and I still let the two long term bf's a little too close in my life. We talked marriage and I even jumped over the broom stick with one, but when it came to the actual marriage, I always put it off. I think I did right by my kids by not remarrying.

I've been quasi dating a man who is very much the best friend I've ever had. One thing we discuss often is our mutual disinclination to share our homes, families, and futures, yet the topic keeps coming up..... On a generality, I don't want to be remarried. I have plans, Specifically, I'd marry this man in a second as soon as several circumstances change in the right way... IF they change the right way. He'd stand by my plans, which include living in China for a year or so, with my brother and daughter... My friend won't go with, but he'd let me go without a whimper.

Still, circumstances don't permit a real relationship, and circumstances may very well change in a way that will prevent dating at all. So we take our time as it is, we use what we have, we enjoy it immensely, we lean on each other, and yet we keep our lives separate.

My daughter loves him and has forbidden me to even try dating others. She loves his family too. Yet she is very clear about keeping our home and time with me as separate from time with him.

She's 12 and you should hear her go off about friend's parents who couple up and move in too quickly. She knows first hand how traumatic it is for the kids.

On the reverse side, when your kids are very young, assuming you have found a healthy relationship, it's a good time for remarriage. It's actually the school age kids who struggle most with newly blended families. If you have kids preteen and up, WAIT. Please. They need you.

Jeannie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:31am

thx for sharing - what you say makes sense - you're the second person who has mentioned remarriage when the children are younger b/c it's less of an adjustment etc. and i was thinking the opposite - however once again, it does make sense when you really think about it...hmmmm...thx for the food for thought :)

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 11:05am

I haven't responded before because I wasn't exactly sure just what it was you were asking. So you're currently married? And you and DH are in counseling to stay together? But you're asking what would happen if you found someone to date but didn't want to get married or live together? Or are you asking what would happen if you and DH decided to stay married- but live apart? I guess I'm a little confused.

When I first started reading, I thought you were single but dating someone- and was asking about getting married but living separately. That scenario, IMO- is nuts! Why even get married if you don't plan to live together and share a home and BE together? If you plan to live separately (for whatever reason- kids or not)- then don't even get married. But that's just me. If I was going to commit to marriage, I'd want to LIVE WITH that person and share a home together.

(I am happy to see Jeannie (whyscracker) here!!!! I haven't seen you in a LOOONG time!)

I also agree that to blend families, it would probably be easier to do with young children than older children or teens. With Hiker and I- we are committed to dating exclusively and not going anywhere or looking anywhere... but we are not talking marriage and blending families, either. He has a teen son and 20-something daughters, and all the daughters have children of their own. The only one who still lives at home is his son, but he still does alot for his daughters as Dad and he is still quite busy fathering all of them. And babysitting the grandchildren as well!

On the other hand, I have my 2 sons, 9 and 7. And they are getting closer and closer to that pre-teen stage and I don't want to shake up their lives either! We just have our own routines (Hiker and I) in how we run our own households and kids... and to try to blend families right now, just seems to be too much. We haven't really talked seriously about it, but I've definitely thought about it, and watched him when it comes to how he is around his kids... and I just think that it would be a BIG change for everyone involved if we were to get married and told everyone to start blending! So if we ever get married, I think it will be much further down the road, and when our lives have settled more as far as parenting goes. We've found our groove as single parents and not dying to have another co-parent (as a step-parent) in the mix.

We just like spending our time together (whatever bit of kid-free time we can carve out) and just DATE. But not to rush into blending. For now, that is enough.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? ;-) Sometimes you just DO- because buying the cow might mean buying a herd. I think that is somewhat the case for BOTH of us right now- we can date and have the benefits of a loving & secure relationship- but not with the family-blending or house-selling (in order to move in together- and to where? Who sells their current home?). So that's why we're in NO hurry to get married, but we do know that we love spending time together and that we match very well. There is more in our lives than just US, and the US of our relationship can wait. For now, we get what we can, while the kids come first. In our own worlds, separately.

I'm not sure if I even responded to the topics or not, or if I ended up on some other tangent... but there's the 2 cents I'm coughing up. ;-)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:42pm

I LOVE LOVE what you write Shrimps. Because I so understand where you are coming from. I don't want to shake up my house either. I have a lifestyle I have carved out for me and my DS and we are good. I don't want to blend households or kids either. I mean I am only dating my current guy for just under 2 months - so it is way too soon to tell any of that with him. But I mean in general.

I remember the movie, "Unfinished Life" with Robert Redford and one of my favorite lines is, "There are some things in life you just can't replace" and I think that means the whole concept of marrying and having kids and being a happy and whole family. It seems a bit overwhelming to have to think about blending a new spouse with kids (and mine is preteen) and a new house and stuff like that - it is just a reality thing.

Better to stay dating a long time and go slowly. Sure, to have a happy husband and household with happy thriving kids is anyone's dream. But to me that is a dreamy dream - there is the reality of thousands of dollars of real estate at stake (and where to live), kids who may not adjust or want to adjust to such change, differences of parenting attitudes, having to fight over who takes out the trash, money issues, inlaws and all the stuff that can be stressful about living together. Not to mention mixing household stuff and living habits when we are older and set.

AND I LOVE LOVE your statement about buying the cow and getting the whole herd!!!!!!

I have found that a preteen is actually harder in many ways than a younger child. Because his needs are definite and not so flexible. My son is a dream - honor roll and well behaved. But now he has social functions that cannot be changed. He has real projects with school that need my attention and cheerleading/prodding abilities. He needs supervision and a thriving environment - can be left alone but should not be unattended. He has likes and dislikes. Doesn't want to be shuffled anywhere. Doesn't go to bed early. Doesn't like to go to my parents or sisters house to be babysat because they have a different routine and he doesn't like being out of his room or away from his neighborhood friends. And I respect that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:46pm

Now that you say you are married and thinking, I wanted to add a few thoughts.

If you are getting divorced because you think you will find the man of your dreams, that could be the case - but dating is more difficult than you could ever dream possible. It WILL NOT be like it was in your teens/20s. Read all the threads here. I think it would be easier to fix what you have if it is fixable. I am not sure if you said it was - just putting that to be safe.

But if you are getting divorced because you are really at the end of your rope and do not want to be in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship - that is good for you. Because I know what that is like. As hard as dating has been, I would rather be alone the rest of my life than go back with a man who was never happy with me and made me miserable.

Divorce does fix that one problem - to get you out of an unhappy relationship. But unfortunately, it creates a thousand more problems that come afterwards.

Whatever you do and choose, we are always here for you.