"keeper" clues--for them and us!
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| Wed, 03-05-2008 - 12:30pm |
I thought these were cute articles--maybe something we already know but things to keep in mind when we're out there!
First date signs he’s a keeper
By Lisa Lombardi We’ve all had them—those “I can’t believe he did that!” moments on first dates. I once went on a dinner date with a guy who not only kept his cell phone on the table, but took a call from his mom during our meal. Another guy invited me out for coffee and asked for my share — all of $3 — when it was time to pay up.
Of course, being the open-minded woman I am, I wrote them off as total psychopaths. But can you really read that much into first-date behavior? Just about, says Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a psychologist specializing in relationships in New York. “Everything you want to know about someone is there for you right at the beginning,” she notes. And you’re more apt to pick it up in a first meeting than a second or third when “emotions get involved, and clear thinking diminishes,” she adds.
Fortunately, first dates are great for spotting character, too. We polled experts and frequent daters to help you detect early tip-offs he’s got serious boyfriend potential. Here, what to look for.
#1: He’s kind to the wait staff/taxi driver/doorman.
Does he thank the parking attendant as he hands over his keys? Make polite small talk with not only the waiter but the busboys, too? Consider that your good-guy alert. “A man who can treat people well no matter what their income level or ‘station’ in life will treat you in a more considerate way, no matter what your profession,” says Dianne Daniels, an image consultant in Norwich, CT. The guy who considers himself above the taxi driver or doorman, on the other hand, may soon act like he’s better than you (or your profession or your family). Plus, you’ll always feel mortified about his hideous manners. And if your date is gracious about a mishap (from his burned steak to that nick on his car), give him extra points: He’s likely to stay calm under all kinds of relationship pressure.
#2: He could pass for Jon Stewart.
Meaning: Instead of blathering on about himself, he asks smart questions that don’t come off as probing. And if, like a certain late-night host, he happens to be cute, smart and quick with a self-deprecating one-liner, marry the guy! But seriously: A guy who asks you questions rather than reciting his resume is “someone who is capable of caring about someone else,” says Sherman. On the other hand, she adds, “If you can’t get a word in edge-wise, either the guy is narcissistic or very insecure.”
Having gone out with both types, Kelly Jeffrey, 25, of Fountain Hills, AZ, now knows to tune her radar to what she calls The Ratio: how much he talks about you versus himself. “If he’s an active listener and follows up on questions he asks you, you know he’s genuinely interested and not just going through the motions,” she says. “Besides, the communications skills become oh-so-handy later on!”
#3: His cell is off.
Unless he’s an on-call surgeon or volunteer fireman, that Nokia should be nowhere in sight. “If he takes casual calls during your date, he has other priorities, and you may always come in second,” warns Daniels. Ask yourself this: Do you want to get involved with a guy who can’t go two hours without talking to his broker? Or his buddies? Or his ex?
For sure, lots of us take calls 24/7. But that’s why a guy’s refusal to text or yak during your date is so telling. “It implies you are more important than a random call, and he wants to be fully present for your night out,” says Daniels. Bottom line: He’s not the kind of guy who’s always hoping for better plans to come along.
#4: He mentions his mom (in passing).
“In passing” is the operative phrase here. Why? You want to know he has a strong relationship with the woman who gave him life (if he gets along well with her, he’s more likely to respect women in general, Sherman notes), but isn’t scary close to Mom.
So unless you see yourself asking for a table for three — you know, because she’s always along — keep your antennae tuned for the guy who considers his mother his #1 girl. (Bad signs: He brags that she used to be a beauty queen. Or mentions that they love taking cruises together.) And do we need to remind you of the big-picture danger of dating a mama’s boy? “You may one day have an intrusive mother-in-law,” says Sherman. “If he’s joined to the hip, he’s less likely to defend you or come to your rescue.” Do you want to turn into the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond? Thought not.
#5: He doesn’t mention that his watch is a Rolex.
Or that he made a killing in the real-estate market. Or how much his Mini Cooper set him back. “Guys who talk about how much things cost, especially to a virtual stranger, are basically insecure,” says Terri Sloane, a matchmaker and relationship coach in New York City. “They use money as a hook to catch women.” But you’re not landed that easily, right? Remember, Sloane adds, just because a guy spends a lot of money on himself, doesn’t mean he’ll lavish it on his girlfriend. In fact, people who have to tell you the price of everything are often cheap.
Ask Christie Rivers, 31, of San Francisco, her number-one first-date red flag, and she doesn’t hesitate: Bragging about expensive purchases or experiences, such as travel, she says. “On more than a few occasions, guys have name-dropped all the exotic and expensive places they’ve vacationed. They’re basically shallow and insecure. What a turn-off!’”
#6: He gazes at your face.
That’s instead of your décolletage, the mirror behind your head, or the 16-ounce porterhouse on his plate. “A man who focuses on your eyes when you’re talking may be looking for a deeper connection,” says Daniels. “By paying particular attention to your face and therefore giving himself the ability to pick up your verbal and non-verbal cues, he’s telling you that understanding you is important to him.”
Worst of all is that first-date who can’t help but check out every model type who trots by. It may be normal guy behavior — leftover from the cavemen past — but if he can walk upright, he can keep it in check while courting you. “If his eye wanders on your first date, imagine how his eyes will wander once he gets to know you,” says Sloane. “Buyer beware.”
A writer and editor in New York, Lisa Lombardi has written for Marie Claire, Maxim, Glamour and Cosmopolitan.
“She’s a keeper!”
By Kristin Bailey Murphy It happens to most men sooner or later: He’s dating someone, things are going well, then... wham! The woman does something small and seemingly inconsequential that makes him fall for her, hard. What, you may be asking yourself, is that special element that changes his thinking from “She’s fun” to “She’s The One?” Well, it turns out men are more than happy to walk down memory lane and reveal those pivotal moments—and Catherine Cardinal, Ph.D., dating expert and author of The Cure for the Common Life, explains what women everywhere can learn from their stories!
“She got my weird sense of humor”
The case history: “Not long after we’d begun dating, Anneli unexpectedly showed up on the set of a short film I was making. The scene we were shooting was… how can I put it? A little bit crude. I’ve dated girls that have been kind of uptight about stuff I think is hysterical, so after the scene was over I didn’t know what to expect. I was relieved — and kind of surprised — to see that it made her laugh. In fact, she was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face and she could barely breathe. That’s when I knew I had a good one. Two months later I proposed.”
—Matt Ballard, 35, New York, NY; married to Anneli for two years
Love lesson learned: A shared sense of humor is essential
Let’s face it: No matter how much you love someone, your life together will get dull if you can’t laugh your way through it. “Choosing someone who is not rigid and who can let go with a good belly laugh, especially over the same things you find funny, is a win-win situation,” says Dr. Cardinal. “It ensures you’ll have an animated, lively life.” And how great is it to know your mate finds you fun and entertaining? In other words, she gets you!
“She challenged me to do the right thing”
The case history: “I knew Marianne was The One when she encouraged me to work through a tough situation I was having with a co-worker. She allowed me to vent but also challenged me to see things from another perspective and not take the easy way out and ignore the situation, which was my impulse. Because of her influence, I was able to approach my co-worker and get a better understanding of where he was coming from. After that I knew Marianne would never be someone who walked behind me, but someone who would always stand next to me.”
—Ken Kish, 33, San Clemente, CA; married to Marianne for six years
Love lesson learned: Disagreements can help you grow closer
It’s easy to unconditionally support someone’s every decision. Challenge your date to live up to certain standards, though, and you’ll gain even more points by showing you’ve got a backbone—and that he or she will become a better person as a result. “Anyone who encourages you to face a challenge is more likely to be a consistent, predictable partner—and one who realizes that unless you grow, you both get held back,” says Dr. Cardinal.
“She allows me to pursue my passion, even though it takes time away from her”
The case history: “I knew Marnie was a cool girl when she never gave me grief about being a surfer. That was a big deal because my previous girlfriend was always mad when I went surfing instead of spending every nanosecond with her. The clincher? Once, Marnie drove eight hours with me from Atlanta to Florida just so I could get in the water. After that, how could I not fall for her? Even now, she’s still OK with me taking off to the beach every weekend. She lets me do my thing because she knows it keeps me centered and happy. I don’t know many guys — or any surfers — that get away with that!”
—Dirk Aulabaugh, 36, Los Angeles, CA; married to Marnie for ten years
Love lesson learned: Respecting someone’s interests creates greater intimacy
Everyone needs a personal passion or two; otherwise life can become unfulfilling. Allow your partner to find inner satisfaction this way, and he or she will be happier with life, him- or herself and with you. “As far as spending time together, remember this: It’s quality, not quantity that matters,” says Dr. Cardinal. A person who values you, who makes the most out of the time you spend together and doesn’t whine about separation, is a grown-up. That’s someone to plan a life with.
“She’s not put off by my bad habits”
The case history: “Marissa is the only girl I’ve dated that doesn’t get grossed out by my bad habits. I’ll put the empty OJ carton back in the fridge, and I’ve been known to make certain bodily noises at inopportune times (like when I’m standing right next to her). I knew she was a keeper, though, while I was clipping my toenails in bed one night. A toenail flew out and hit her on her eyebrow! Most girls would have freaked out, but she just laughed and punched me in the arm. Obviously, I have some bad traits… so for her not to hassle me about them? I’m the luckiest guy I know.”
—Danny Murphy, 31, Clarksville, TN; dating Marissa for three years
Love lesson learned: Accept him flaws and all, and he’ll love you for it
Each of us has a version of cutting our toenails in bed and wants to be loved in spite of it: It’s all part of being human. We’re not saying women shouldn’t speak up if something truly bothers them, but that they should do so gently, pick their battles—and be at peace with the possibility that he may not change. “Tolerance is vital in a relationship,” says Cardinal. “We all have bad habits, but with tolerance, you’ll share days together that feel safe and comfortable.”
“She preferred take-out and TV to a night on the town”
The case history: “I knew Dana was special when she took a seven-hour bus ride from NYC to come visit me in Richmond, VA. That may not sound like a big deal, but let me tell you, anyone who’s spent the night on a Greyhound can attest to how hellish it is. But she did it for me and she did it without complaining. As if that wasn’t enough, when I picked her up, she told me she’d rather get cheap beer and take-out and watch 80s movies all weekend, instead of going out on the town. Man down! Now we have two kids and a mortgage… and I love her more than I ever have.”
—Marcus Ashley, 34, Austin, TX; married to Dana for five years
Love lesson learned: Men go gaga for low-maintenance gals
It’s cliché but true: High-maintenance women who need to be wined, dined, and paid attention to every moment will wear a guy out. “You shouldn’t have to tap dance for your mate!” says Dr. Cardinal. So before you insist on receiving flowers every month or going to the most expensive restaurants in town, ask yourself: Do all these trimmings really matter if you’re with someone you truly adore? And trust us, he will adore you all the more when he sees he can kick back and be himself.
Kristin Bailey Murphy has written for Tokyopop.com and Realfamiliesrealfun.com.
Life

I so totally AGREE on these points!
Great points for both males and females!!! ITA with all of them! How could a man or a woman NOT like someone of the opposite sex with those qualities?
I'm glad I fit into the ones men like in women. :-)
Hiker doesn't have all of those that men should do, but that's okay. I totally understand him and why. (Like the cell phone thing- he has a son at home, so he can't shut it off during a date
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<