Kids' emotions
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| Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:31am |
I am feeling a little upset today about a comment DS (8) made last night. They had just come back from a weekend with their dad, who lives five hours away. The usual routine (every other weekend) is that he picks them up from school on the Friday at 3 o'clock and drives the five hours to his house, and then brings them back on the Sunday and they stay in a hotel near where I live, and near their school, and he takes them to school on the Monday morning. I think this is VERY hard on the children, but they love their dad and they want to spend time with him, and this is the only solution. It must be very tiring for them, but they look forward to it.
DS is very sensitive and deep. I know he loves me and my partner (who has been living with us since last October) and we have a lot of fun together. There is a lot of love in our house. DS was recently operated to correct his ears, which used to really stick out. He had suffered a lot from the taunts of other children and he told me last week that having his ears operated had really changed his life. So I thought things were just great for him at the moment. When the dad moved away last year, it was hard for DS as he could no longer see his dad in the week, but I thought he had got used to this.
However, last night, DS couldn't get off to sleep, and I went into his room to talk to him. He just said "I want to be with my dad". I didn't know how to reply, and he continued "don't think I don't love you mummy, I really do". How on earth can a mum cope with hearing things like that? It breaks my heart to think that I have put him in a situation in which is unhappy and suffering, and I can do nothing about it.
Afterwards, SO and I talked for a long time about the situation. Obviously, being with dad is more fun. It's always holiday time there, his grandparents are there, and they give a lot of support. It's always fun time. The dad doesn't have to cook a meal, or get the kids ready for school, or take them to the doctor, or to the dentist, or juggle around work schedules. When they are with him, the kids can stay up til late, get up when they want and just hang out having fun. With us, we have to get them up early for school, get them ready, take them to school, spend full days at work, dash home to pick them up, prepare dinner - you all know the routine. And, yes, I admit it's not nearly as much fun. But heck, that's life.
I guess this is more of a vent than anything else. Perhaps someone has been in the same situation and could advise me how to cope with the feelings of guilt. Sometimes it just all seems too hard. I am so lucky that my partner backs me up with all this - it really helped talking to him last night, and he managed to boost my morale a little. Sometimes I just feel like an evil, bad mum.
I don't blame DS at all; it's normal what he's feeling, it just makes me sad.
Clem xx

My son is also 8, and sees his father every other weekend. His father doesn't live far away, yet he chooses to nnot involve himself on a more regular basis.
He doesn't attend my son's sporting events, school events, or ever do anything beyond his weekend to have him.
I think for me, knowing that his father chooses not to play a bigger role helps me deal with any guilt I may have. I'm the one doing all the work, of course dad's house is more fun- he doesn't have to deal with the realities of having a child!
I don't ever say this to Droid, of course, but knowing it helps me.
The father chose to move away, you didn't make him. I think whether the NC parent lives around the corner or a thousand miles away, we all have to watch our children miss them from time to time.
I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I can definitely relate. It's no fun watching your child be sad, but knowing that you're doing the best you can is important.
Moody, in your shoes too
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I totally know how you feel. I think I went through this very thing with DS at the same age. He was just stressed from having to be in two houses and wanted us to be together so he could always see both of us. When he is with his dad he misses me and visa versa.
The only thing I can offer is what I said and the hope of how our situation has changed now.
I told him he has to be grateful for what he has with his dad - that his dad works hard and travels a lot - in your case this can be that his dad is living a little farther away so he can be in a job he loves and help support him. I explained to DS that his dad loves him a lot - we both do - and are always going to be there for him. IN a "married house" the kids do not always get as much quality time with each parent - he is getting a lot from both of us.
Perhaps you can encourage them to call more or send pix or something. And to say that the next visit is just around the corner.
But now at 10 and about to turn 11 we are in the throes of the preteen years. This intense parental bond is being enhanced and even replaced in part by his sports and social life. Sure, he loves being with both of us - but now he is developing his own interests. He loves playing outside with the neighborhood kids, going to football, inviting school friends over, playing with pets at both houses, etc.
I hope this helps. I think this is a very emotional torment we must all live with. I do regret what the divorce did to my son, for sure.
My DS is also 8. He sees his dad every other weekend, but he does not miss his father. He would prefer it if the visits ceased. The extended time he spends with his dad in the summer is like a job for my son. He dreads it.
You can take comfort in the fact that your son actually wants to spend time with his dad. When he says things like he wants to live with his dad, he's testing the boundaries. I would acknowledge that he's sad, but remind him that he will continue living with you.
Moody,
Thank you. You are right - it WAS the dad's choice to move away. I have to remember this.
As it was my decision to end the marriage, I sometimes feel guilty about how my choice has affected their little lives. I am sure many people here feel that too.
Onwards and upwards!
Clem xx
West,
Thank you for your empathy and advice. I have decided to take this advice, and ask the dad if he could call one time during the week to speak to the kids, and perhaps send DS an email from time to time.
Although it will make me feel less needed and important in their lives, I am looking forward to a time when the kids will be more independent - they already enjoy playing outside with the neighbourhood kids, but for the moment their sports activities are still fairly limited. They both do judo, but DS is not allowed to participate for a couple of months because of his operation.
One of my character traits that I need to curb somewhat is that I feel worthless if I am not looking after other people - I am sure this does not help the kids long-term, as I do tend to do way too much for them! That's something to work on...
Again, thank you for this precious advice.
Clem xx
Thank you for your comments and advice, fivesense.
Your comment about testing the boundaries rings true. My partner and exh both say the same thing. I know I'm a sucker for it.
I agree that it is nice to know that my son wants to spend time with his dad; it must be hard for you to see your son leave with a heavy heart. I am lucky.
Thanks again, I appreciate your response.
Clem xx
I've been out of town for spring break and just now trying to catch up on 277 posts since I read anything last! I know this is an "old post" but I'm bumping it back up just to let you know that it's the same here with me and my boys.
They spent the week with the ex and NW, and they had fun. I got them back and now we're back into the whole routine of school and homework and stuff... and no more vacation hours of staying up late, sleeping in, lounging around in the mornings in their jammies, watching tv or playing computer games on a whim, eating out... all that "fun stuff". Just like you said... now that they are back with me, it's bedtimes, wake-up times, rushing to get ready for school, deadlines and timelines, schoolwork, meals at home... all the "old grind" kind of stuff. And this week, both kids have had a hard time at different times. Both kids have had their moments of crying and wanting to go back to Daddy's house or missing Daddy. It sucks that I have to try to comfort them for having to come back to me and real life, when I know "vacation" is always more fun.
I have no advice, for I'm struggling with this myself, and not sure what to do. But I just hope that next week will be a much better one, once we all have had more time to get settled back into our regular routines again. They didn't "hate it here" (my words, not theirs) before Spring Break, but they are crying after Spring Break, so the only thing I can figure is that it's the post-vacation kind of thing getting to them.
Hugs,
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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Thanks for the support, Shrimpy. It is very hard sometimes, isn't it?
On Wednesday, I took the day off work as both kids' teachers were involved in a training day, and there was no school. I had the best day with the kids - took them up to a gorgeous resort, and did a fantastic 10km sledge run with them TWICE! We each had our own sledge and we really had the best time. It was like we were drunk on the atmosphere. They were telling me such sweet things, like how cool it was to have a mum to sledge with etc. etc.
In the evening, DS turned to me and said "I can't wait to see daddy". I tell you, it felt like a slap in the face. You know when you are so high, and something like that can bring you down to earth with such a bang. Monkey (my SO) said I physically crumpled. But I just swallowed it, and said to DS - "yes, great, only two days to go now"... when DS had left the kitchen, Monkey just came and gave me a great big hug, which is exactly what I needed.
What you said "It sucks that I have to try to comfort them for having to come back to me and real life" really hit home. I know exactly how you feel. I am sure for your kids it is the anti-climax of back to school after the break. We'd all prefer to be on vacation wouldn't we?!! ;o) I hope it settles down for you.
Thanks a lot for your support. My thoughts and best wishes for you in your situation, too.
Clem xx
When my ds was little I went through the very same thing. My dd would chime in as well.
I used to feel so hopeless and depressed over it, but you know life has a way of working
things out.
Now that my ds and dd are adults and parents themselves, they really appreciate me(about time) they are much closer to me than they are to their dad. Although they love and appreciate him too, they now see that I was the one doing the hard work all along.
So in the grand scheme of things, if I had to do all over again there's not much I would change. It wasn't easy, I cried many nights, but if that's what it took for my kids to have felt loved and emotionally secure, it was all well worth it, as I see the two terrific adults they have become.
Find strength and security in knowing that you are doing right by them. It's not easy, but in the end, it will have been well worth it.